Road to Rediscovery

Part 3

2010-09-06T08:30:00.010-04:00

It is September and classes are starting up again...to include Masters courses. UWM started on the 2nd of this month and I was not part of that group.

At the beginning of the year, I made the decision to pursue my Masters degree (MLIS) and do an online program from University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. I can't remember the last time I was that excited and I couldn't wait, but that's exactly what I had to do. I was admitted to the fall semester and it was only April when I found out. So there was nothing but time to kill. First it was just waiting to enroll. I was really excited...lol. As soon as the time came, I was enrolled. That morning at 8:20 I had all my courses picked out and the deed was done.

Well, then there was that whole job thing. You know, the one where I didn't have a job. Yeah, that. Ouch. The program that I was admitted into was going to be about $4300 a semester. That was for two courses/semester and then of course the cost of books. Initially, this wasn't a problem. Rob and I were pretty confident that I would be able to get a job and with his G.I. Bill, there would be no need to worry or take out loans. But seeing as how time was passing and I was still unemployed, my masters dream was going with it. The job at Back Bay was my last hope and when that didn't happen, I had no choice but to move my start date until the Spring semester. Surprisingly, it was fairly easy to do and everyone was great about it.

Do you know what time gives you? A lot of time to see stats and process information and decisions. It also gives you time to make changes in decisions that you were going to go with. Well, that is exactly what happened to me. During the time from April to now, I have read blog after blog about the MLIS and the outcome for people with those degrees. It wasn't looking promising, especially with the news of all the cutbacks in the library field...hours and closures and so on. While Rob and I were going over the money, it became apparent that my masters was going to cost us about 30K!! OUCH! I hadn't even thought about that. Over two years, I was going to spend 30K on a degree that I wasn't even sure I would get to use. I mean, come on. Here I am with a college degree, 23K in student loans, and unemployed!!! Was I freakin' insane?! Clearly.

After much thought, I decided that as much as I liked the idea of getting my masters degree I couldn't justify spending that kind of money on something that I might not even use. With that I made the decision to pursue something that I had been throwing around for awhile now...well, something that started around the time that I was in college and has resurfaced a few times since. After speaking with my dad and Rob, of course, the decision was made for me to get a skill. That's right...I am joining the medical field!

I started Tidewater Community College in pursuit of an A.A.S in Diagnostic Medical Sonography. Radiology was my long ago thought, but Sonography , Ultrasound to some, is where it eventually landed. It should be a third of the cost and a pretty solid career future. A good deal all around. I am currently enrolled in Medical Terminology and Basic Human Biology, since I only made a D in Biology during my college years...bahahah. What kills me about BHB is that it's being taught out of the Anatomy and Physiology textbook...but it's a prereq for A&P. Weird. Oh, well. Next semester I think I'm only going to take one course, A&P. Everyone has always said it is so hard and I don't want to mess up my stellar GPA that I am planning on starting this semester.

Now the only thing to do is see where the Lord takes us and enjoy the ride.

Part 2

2010-09-05T08:51:00.000-04:00

Following the lead of Part 1...I have applied for over 43 jobs since February of this year. Here is the story of how I finally got a job.

Last November, I started praying about a new direction and a new job. I have been praying ever since. During the time that passed between November and the beginning of January I had made the decision that I was going to pursue my Masters, as well as, it was time for me to leave the police department. I prayed and prayed and prayed about that and all I seemed to get was God telling me to wait. I was so unhappy and just hated life and honestly, I really didn't know if it was Him telling me to stay or something else. By the middle of March, with Rob's blessing, I put in my resignation. Come the end of the month, I would be unemployed if I didn't have something else. Of course, I thought that was ridiculous. Of course I would have something else. I was college educated and a certified police officer. Surely I was be able to get some office job. Besides, I had applied for an office position with the SS and a few other things that definitely would pan out.

Skip ahead to month 2 (May) of being unemployed: Julie, a friend from church, told me about a position that was opening up and her husband was the president of the board. Certainly, this one would pan out. As the time passed the more and more sure I was that the job was mine and God's plan was for me to work there. Decent pay, able to make my own hours, and raising money/planning parties, etc...the same things that I did in the sorority. Wouldn't you know, it took until the middle of July to finally get the board rolling on that. I had my first interview, then it was time for the second. Come to find out, they had to post it in the paper and after 30 applicants, they were having the top 3 return. Well, that was the best interview that I have ever had. I have never felt more comfortable and at ease. It was simply a great interview. Leaving there, I knew that God had to be working with this. It was mine...we were good to go.

The next more, I received my rejection call. :o( I was bet out by a woman who was already employed, making over 6 figures at her job, to take this position making 30K. Blah, but apparently it was incredibly close and I was told that if this woman did as she said she was going to and bring in the money that she was promising that they wanted to hire me too. It was be a few months at best, I was told. It was a nice rejection call and I knew that they really had to do what they thought was best for the organization, but boy was I crushed. I had put everything on that one job. While I was still applying and such, I was so positive that I was going to get that job. All my hope and faith that God had a plan was crushed. Even though there was a part of me that knew He was still going to take care of us...I just wasn't sure what I was going to do. I was too devastated to really know what else to do.

As I'm sure you can imagine the disappointment of being unable to get an interview...let alone a job...while being a college graduate and certified police officer. I was definitely dipping my toe in the sea of depression and my self-esteem was pretty much non-existent. It finally came down to a big crying out session with God Himself. Let me first say that it is not something I am proud of and find myself to be a bit foolish even...but there is that part of me that sees it as something that needed to be done. I needed to be honest with Him...not that He didn't already know what I was feeling...and it's okay to cry out to Him. Sometimes that's what you really need...to really let Him know that you are depending on Him.

So this past Tuesday, I had hit my limit. I told Him everything, from me praying for His direction to my frustration at where I was at. I told Him that I have been waiting for Him to tell me where to go and to point me in the direction of where He wanted me and all I was getting was silent. I told Him that if He was telling me, I couldn't hear Him and He needed to speak up...to try something us. I want to do His will and follow His plan for me, but I couldn't do it if I couldn't hear Him. I told Him that I was angry and hurt and I needed to hear from Him (pretty much asap without actually saying that, but it was sure how I was feeling).

The next morning, I was determined to go check on my job application at Pier 1. One Monday, I had went around to the local stores in the area and started putting in applications at the places that were hiring. Pier 1 just happened to be. :o) So I was up early since I wanted to get it down before going to Bible study and wouldn't you know, they were closed when I got there. I went on to the church, but as soon as it was over, I headed back to the store. I spoke with the manager and found out that they were hiring for a position to cover 12-20 hours a week. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but at that point all I was thinking was that a job was a job and any money coming in was a benefit and there was always the option of getting more hours or another part time job. She had me come back at 3 for an interview and she offered me the job at the end of it! She said that she liked me and I think that there is definite potential to move up.

So there you have it folks...I am employed. I work for Pier 1 and I am so grateful to God for having mercy on me and answering my pleas. This position has potential and I felt like He has me here to start over. To rebuild my work ethic and work history. To really improve on myself and teach me lessons that I need to be taught. With all the changes that have been made by the Potter's hand over the last year, I am in need of a place to use them and really continue to grow.

What else is new??? Check back for Part 3.

Part 1

2010-09-04T15:20:00.000-04:00

So as we all know the recession has took a major hit on the job market. Well, not so much here...mostly the employers are just far more selective, I supposed.

Since February I have applied for over 43 jobs...those are just the ones that I have written down. 28 of those where since April 1st. 13 since the the 23rd of August. Wow...you must be thinking. Well, so was I. How is it possible that someone with a college degree and a license to kill people couldn't even get a job answering the phone at Geico? Oh how I wish I knew.
Now if I had been smart, I would have been documenting this whole process; however, I was feeling pretty low and the mere thought just didn't seem that appealing.

One of the best things that has come out of this last 5 months is the opportunity to really grow in the Word and my faith. I was able to get settled into my church, attend the Women's Conference with no scheduling conflicts and join two Bible Study groups one on Wednesday mornings and one Thursday nights. I have also met wonderful people through church and have actually finally started establishing friendships. Rob and I have lived here 3 years now and at 2 and a half years I was still without those Go To friends...you know the ones...the girls (or guys) that you can call at the last minute to go to the movies or grab lunch or just hang out with. It's been since Seattle that I had one of those and we only lived there a short time, so it's really been since Oklahoma since I had my Go To friends. Boy, it has been very detrimental to my psyche. It has been such a blessing to have these women in my life and knowing that they are fellow believers is oh so much better! I am so grateful for each of them.

I have recently, within the last month and a half, started meeting with a mentor. Her name is Martha and God has blessed her with the gift of teaching. She loves the Word and is amazing at sharing it with others. She runs the Wednesday morning Bible study that I go to and I was really looking to go deeper and really get into it, so I asked one of the Pastors and he suggested Martha. She was so excited about it and it just really touched my heart. Since then we met every Thursday morning and I have never learned so much. God is doing amazing things for the both of us during that time. It is so awesome to see how far I've come in just the year that I have been working on rediscovering me and the fact that 85% of it has been within the last 5 months is crazy...and so much in the last two!!

God really does have a plan and maybe using these last 6 months of unemployment to strengthen and solidify my trust and love of Him were just that...His plan.

One a Month

2010-07-13T14:26:00.000-04:00

So one entry a month...not too terrible. LOL...which you would think would be a lot more since I don't have a job and spend the day working around the house. Priorities, priorities, priorities.

I am currently waiting to hear back about a position that a friend suggested for me. I met Julie at the Women's Bible Study group on Wednesdays and it just so happened that she was the head of the Thursday night bible study that I joined as well! A foundation that she is involved with is looking for a new executive director and she thought I would be perfect for the position. Who am I to argue? There are 3 individuals up for the position and the President and Vice President of the board had an informational meeting with each of us (individually) on Thursday of last week. They spent the time telling me what they were expecting from the new ED and what the job entails. I gave them a quick run down of my qualifications and a resume for each. We are supposed to be hearing back about an "official" interview sometime this week and I was really hoping for the beginning since the current ED's last day is Friday. There is really nothing that I can do besides wait, so no need to bother with worrying. God knows my heart and knows my strengths and if this is where He wants me, then it's going to happen. When it does, I'm taking it and running!!

Last night I was looking through Rob's class schedule booklet and I came across a few classes that I would love to take. One is Greek Mythology (perfect for a future Archivist) and the other...well, all...of the classes on religion. I am so hungry to learn more about the Word that I am eager to enroll in all of the classes offered (!!), however, I am feeling more lead to the Survey of the Old Testament followed closely by New Testament and Early Christianity. They both would provide me with so much understand, so I don't believe I could possible go wrong with either. Being able to take any of these courses on top of my courses for my masters is another problem. Getting Rob to agree to it is probably the biggest hurdle, because he is eager for me to get started and finish as soon as possible. I would have to just take one masters course to accommodate the two "just for the fun of learning and personal growth" classes. Of course, there would be no way we could afford both masters class and two other courses. So we will have to see....

God is doing good work in my life today.

2010-06-10T13:18:00.000-04:00

I am happy and amazed at all the Lord has done in my life (in general), but especially over these last few weeks. For the longest time now, I have been missing the comfort and companionship of a church home. I could feel the void inside me and would often think to myself...I really need to get back to church...I need to find a church and I really would like to get involved. These thoughts would surface ever so often and pass without much action on my part...even though I knew that it would leave an empty void.

Since I decided to rediscovery myself and make changes and so on...it has been a constant thought, but I would make excuse after excuse. Finally, I had enough. I knew that it was something I was longing for and that I really needed God in my life if I was going to make all the changes that I wanted and needed. The church that I had originally thought about attending was literally a block away, but you would not believe the number of excuses one could make for not going. My biggest and most frequently used excuse was one of being tired and having to get up early...I'm sure many have used this one. :) Yet, as I would justify to myself why I couldn't make it to service, I knew the true reason...I was afraid. I know, I know...who's afraid to go to church?! The absurdity of it is not lost on me, but nonetheless, it is it. I was afraid. I have always had the fear of being judged...low self-esteem/self-confidence...always worried that I would not be good enough. Being surrounded by a large group of people that I did not know and still feeling so new to the faith (even though it's been 6 years since I was saved...but 3 that I've been away from the church...eek!) freaked me out. The devil knows my insecurities and had no problem running them through my mind and I was quickly defeated time and again. Not completely though, I have still been studying the Word, reading my daily devotional, and listening to Joyce's [Meyer] podcasts. I love her!

A few weeks ago, I decided that I was tired of being afraid. I remembered my life verse 2 Timothy 1:7: "For the Lord did not give [me] a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind" and I made the decision to go to the 11:00 service the following Sunday. Every time the devil tried to sidetrack me with my fears, I just became more determined and would run my verse through my mind. I made it to church and no, no one attacked me...lol. In the bulletin, they were advertising the Women's Conference a couple of weeks later. It occurred to me that it was around this same time last year, that I had tried the church for the first time and attended very sporadically (maybe 4 times in the whole year) ever since. I had wanted to go to the Women's Conference then too, but with my work schedule and other reasons I didn't pursue it. Well, this year I was going to do it. I wanted more God in my life and more fellowship with others and to grow in my faith. I even took the time to call two Ladies' Bible Study groups to see if they had room for one more. I joined the Wednesday morning group and the Thursday evening group. Since then I have met several great women and have so many wonderful examples of women after God's own heart. I attended the Women's Conference last week and learned so much. It was such an awakening! I encourage everyone to try to attend one in their area. To be surrounded by so many fellow Christian women...it is just amazing!

I have been working over the last several months to pull the weeds and remove the overgrowth in my heart...making room to plant new seeds of humility, grace, peace,patience, love, and faith. Using a metaphor of Joyce's, there are several stones...mine are more the size of boulders...in my river of life. It's had to get the river flowing if it's stopped up with fleshy business. Through prayer, faith, and hope...I am working to make those boulders smaller, to stones, then rocks, then pebbles smoothed over by my river and at the bottom. Trust me, God has a lot of work to do within me...but I'm happy to say, I'm being made ready.

The reason I'm sharing this is because I have felt a change in my heart...one of peace and forgiveness take hold. Rob has even noticed that I seem happier, that I have been happier. My anger passes much quicker than it used to and when my frustration comes up, I look to the Word to replace it with love. The Lord is doing a good work in me and I wanted to let everyone know. I am growing roots...deep roots...and surrounding myself with like-minded ladies to help me continue to grow.

Right now, I am still without a job. We have no more money set aside to cover our budget and Rob is being to worried. Yet, surprisingly or maybe it isn't, I'm content. I know that I will find a job and we will be okay. I have faith in God and believe that this a trial set to strengthen and grow my faith. I have hope that a job I applied for will come through. Every time my worries start, I use my words in confirmation that He hears my prayers and will answer them. He will provide. For instance, a woman in my Thursday group has an unsaved husband...just like mine. She also had the book Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and she offered to loan it to me for Rob to read. God was working, because he is actually reading it and interested in it. I believe that God is going to use this book to open his eyes and plant that seed in his heart. By the way, for anyone who has not read this book...I would greatly encourage it. Even as a believer, I have learned so much from it and I'm only on page 60. He makes the argument so logical.

In summary, while my life is nowhere near perfect I am content and happy. I have peace in my heart and plan on continuing to sow and reap the good life. :o)

I know that this is already incredibly long, but I wanted to include this message from Joyce. It has been something that I have been focusing on for the last month or so, because it is the biggest boulder in my river and I believe that this will be helpful for everyone.

The Mouth Has a Mind of Its Own!

by Joyce Meyer

What if I told you that the source of most of your problems could be found within you—from the neck up? You’ll find it in the thoughts that come from your mind and the words that come out of your mouth.

We must realize and understand the power carried by our thoughts and words. They’re so powerful that they can bring either blessings or curses into our lives, depending on their nature. Our thoughts and words are like the rudder of a ship—they may seem small, but they affect the very direction of our lives.

Many years ago my life was in a state of chaos because of years of wrong thinking and speaking. I had encountered so many disappointments because of all the devastating things that had happened to me. I was afraid to believe that anything good might happen. In fact, my philosophy of life was, “If you keep your expectations low, you’ll never be disappointed.”

Over the years I became very cynical and negative. I often said that if I had two positive thoughts in a row, my mind would’ve gotten a cramp. My thoughts were negative, which caused my words to be negative…which all reflected poorly on my life. Finally, I decided to change my ways and stop talking so negatively. After a while I realized that I needed to do more than just not talk negatively. Cutting out the negative wasn’t enough; I had to begin to think and talk positively!

For example, a person sneezes and says, “Oh, I’m probably getting the flu.” Or someone hears a rumor that the company he works for is going to lay off some employees, so he thinks, That’s the story of my life. Every time things start to go well, something always happens. Then he says, “I’ll probably lose my job.” These types of negative statements seem to come so naturally to all of us. We need to discipline ourselves to be more positive—it’s not so easy!

When we react negatively, we allow fear to take over our thinking. We begin to dwell on things that haven’t even happened and may not happen. Our negative thoughts cause us to speak the words that’ll shape our future.

We’re constantly tempted to think wrong thoughts, but we don’t have to accept them! We have a choice! We need to purposely choose right thinking and speaking. In the Bible, Proverbs 18:21 says, Death and life are in the power of the tongue…. We must choose life generating thoughts. When we do, positive, powerful, life-giving words will naturally follow. I think some people try to control their mouths but do nothing about their thoughts. That’s like pulling off the top of a weed—unless the root is dug up, the weed always comes back. You’ll never control your mouth unless you first learn to control your mind.

Believing is the first important step to switching our thinking from being negative to positive. Remember, what’s in our hearts and minds will come out of our mouths. If our soul (mind, will and emotions) is full of negative things, we’ll find those things coming our way. On the other hand, when we hear, read, think and talk about God, the Truth and more positive things, we’ll find that those good things will come our way. The choice is ours!

Brewer and Palin-Secure The Border

2010-05-16T13:30:00.000-04:00

Racial profiling my ass...trust the officers and protect our boarders.

ASVAB

2010-05-07T10:05:00.000-04:00

Last night I spent a ridiculous amount of time taking the ASVAB. I was there at 5:30, waited with the others to move through the process of checking in, started the test at 6:30ish, finished around 9:20, and then stuck around until 9:40 to get my AFQT.

While being surrounded by a lot of younger individuals, I was thinking about how much they really didn't know. You would not believe the questions that were asked when filling out the bubble sheet. LOL. I was amazed. I'm not sure if they were just slow or if it's a common thing for recent high school graduates. I don't remember being that way, but I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they were joining the Army.

Okay, so I have never been good with math...especially fractions...so going into the test was going to be interesting. Most of the sub-tests were over things that I haven't studied since high school and for those of you counting...that was 10 years ago! I did try to brush up on everything before taking the test, but wasn't really sure what to expect. Here I am, 28, college graduate, starting my Masters and taking a test made for high schoolers. With all that, I expect myself to do well. Hello, college graduate...lol. However, I am also 10 years out of high school and most of that information has been pushed out of my head by the information that I use daily. When was the last time that you had to factor an equation or figure out how long it took Jim to get to his house if he drove 50mph for 150 miles then 40 mph for 210? And don't get me started on King Phillip's Class Ordered the Family-sized Gino Special!

Well, I managed to score at 90 (AFQT). Now here's the thing, I was excited that I did so well. I did some studying before hand, but most of the stuff I haven't seen in 10+ years. Then I started thinking...uh, you should have done well...you are in Graduate School! LOL! So my 90 means that I scored better than 90% of 18-23 year olds...hmmm....LOL! I'm glad that I did well, because I haven't seen that information in quite some time and it allows me the opportunity to pursue whatever AFSC I want and it also makes me feel smart again.

I'll find out my line scores sometime next week. That is when I'll know how well I did on each sub-section. I'm pretty confident that I will be quickly disqualified for any job related to mechanics (to include auto-shop) and electronics. Yeah, they were that bad.

So I'm going to pack my study books back up and enjoy my Friday.

Here's What Happened Last Month on "Road to Rediscovery"

2010-05-06T15:10:00.000-04:00

What I've learned about myself in the last month:

I am getting better at cooking: So with all the free time I have on my hands currently, that no job thing, I have been the one cooking dinner pretty much every night. I have my little list on the fridge with a menu for each day, which makes for easy referencing. With that, I have become much more aware of cooking times for different foods and much more experimental. I get so tired of eating the same meals weekly! While I am not a master of it yet, I have become quite good at having each dish cooked and ready at the same time. Nothing getting cold for the most part. Like I said, I'm still working at it, but it's so nice when everything comes together.

I love Glee: Okay, now I have known this since the series began...but...with the second season started, I am an even bigger fan! I look forward to Wednesdays when it's posted on Hulu for me to watch. Since we don't have TV, all the watching is done on the internet.

I need to loosen up a smidgen: Here I am at 28, with no kids and I feel like I'm chained to so much responsibility. Of course, as an adult you will have responsibilities, but nothing like how I feel. I married into a mountain of debt and because I HATE debt, I have been obsessed with it. It has been my goal for ever to get rid of it, but it has come at an even bigger cost...my happiness. I've been blaming Rob for us not getting to do all the things that we wanted to...it was his debt and his irresponsibility that has us tied to it...and it's my responsibility to make sure we pay things off. Well, we have. We have done nothing, but pay off debt for the past year and I am exhausted. There is still so much further to go, so while my friends are going on amazing vacations and holidays are passing without seeing family...we are pushing to pay off this debt and I'm over it! Blah! It has and is causing resentment between Rob and I...my own doing...and I need to remove that from our marriage. Don't get me wrong, I am not going to throw up my hands and walk away! I just need to bring more balance into it. I'm thinking we should make a point to schedule a vacation once a year...something big like a cruise or a 5 day stay somewhere either with friends and family or just the two of us. Also include a small trip to see family over a holiday weekend. I miss my family so much and would love to see friends more often. All part of getting back to me! A big part of me is travel....I love to travel and see knew places and I haven't done too much of that since we've been together and I am ready to change that!

I need a job: Yup, it's that time again and I need to find another job. Nothing has really opened up around here and while I hated my job as a police officer, I was making 40k a year. Granted, that really isn't a lot for what it involved; nevertheless, it was 40k a year. LOL...now I am back looking for something else and it is not looking promising. I did just applied for a position with South University as a Library Asst. I am most excited about that even though I'm sure I'll be lucky to get 30k a year. I believe mostly it's about 26k. Eek! I also half heartedly applied for a position as a Forensic Tech position with VBPD. Also, starting out at 30,800k a year...still involves shift changes and so on...but a girl has to work. I am also in the process of checking out the Air Force Reserve. They have Historian positions available, which is right up my alley and would really benefit my career goals in the long run. It's not a definite thing yet; but it is something that I'm working on. I like the idea.

So many thoughts and ideas to work through and more keep coming, but it has been great getting to know myself better and really figuring out what I want. The way I see it...I need to start praying about everything and fearing nothing....Jesus will be back before I know it and I'm not missing the boat!

THE BOOK OF AWESOME by Neil Pasricha

2010-04-17T17:21:00.002-04:00

1000 Awesome Things Check out this blog if you don't already. It is a great way to start the day. It will fill you with laughter, while looking at the person next to you and sharing your own awesome thing.

What are some of your favorite awesome things?

I Heart Libraries!

2010-04-13T20:33:00.001-04:00

So over the weekend, I was in Milwaukee for the MLIS orientation. While my program is online, I wanted to meet my advisors and some professors face to face. I felt like this would be the best way to start out a new path and quite frankly...I am so excited about this opportunity that I want to do it all!

Rob and I flew out at 5:55am on Thursday morning. We almost missed our flight actually. They had to hold the door for us! Luckily, we managed to get settled without really bothering anyone. Since Rob bought our tickets at different times, we weren't seated together on any of the flights. We made it to Detroit with no problems and were able to grab some breakfast before the quick hop to Milwaukee. That flight was fantastic...so short!

As I was exiting the plane there, I could already feel the difference in the weather. When we flew out of Norfolk the days had been in the 80s. In Milwaukee on Thursday it was a brisk 30 something! It even snowed a bit. We got our rental and went straight to the extended-stay hotel. We were so tired from the lack of sleep that we ended up grabbing lunch at Chilis and not leaving the hotel the rest of the night. Bedtime came pretty early for us. (Milwaukee is Central Time Zone.)

On Friday we were up at 7:00 and out the door at 7:50. The drive to the campus was wonderful. We took Lake Dr. so we could cruise past the lake and it was so pleasant. We started the day off with some great stuff...free t-shirt, water bottle, tote, and magazines. Plus we had a continental breakfast. I love muffins. :o) The orientation lasted until 4:30, but it went pretty quickly. I was able to speak with my advisor and meet some fellow students, some who will also be DE students. Turns out the student organization was planning a little get together afterward, so Rob and I joined up with them. They took us to a place called The Safe House. The idea behind the restaurant it awesome. It's this whole spy theme. You have to know the password to get in or you have to do some silly trick. The door is hidden and so on. It really was a lot of fun, but the food was sub-par at best. Afterward, a few of us went for drinks at Champions?? I think that's the name of the place. Nice out of the way place. It was great hanging out with them. We played a fantastic game of Apples to Apples and called it a night around midnight.

Saturday was pretty uneventful. We stayed close to the hotel, went grocery shopping, and just watched some TV. Rob and I don't have cable or anything like it, so it was fun to actually watch HGTV. On Sunday, we went to the Milwaukee Art Museum. It was so beautiful inside and Art in Bloom was taking place. Art in Bloom is where florist interpret pieces in the museum in floral arrangements. It was a wonderful exhibit to be able to see. Also the Woman with the Veil by Raphael was on display. Stunning! The museum had so many wonderful galleries, but there was no way that we were going to be able to see everything that morning. Rob was scheduled to flight out on Sunday. (Did I mention that our tickets weren't bought at the same time...lol) So after the museum, we grabbed lunch and headed back to the hotel. Basically, we hung around there until it was time to take him to the airport. That night I sat in front of the TV and watched Brothers & Sisters! I was so excited that I was able to do that...not to mention it was a 2 hour show!!! Awesome.

Monday was my day to fly out. I packed up and went to meet Morgan for lunch at 1230. It was good food and good conversation. We were there until 4:00. I think that was more my doing than hers. My flight wasn't leaving until 6:30pm, so I had nothing else to do but sit in the airport. It's been forever since I had lunch with a girl...I've missed it so much. There are so many things to talk about. She was so gracious to listen to me chatting away. LOL...I believe she was having fun too. :o)

From there I went to the airport, returned the car, and settled in for my two hour wait. Surprisingly, the time past quickly. The flight was ahead of schedule and we landed in Detroit in no time. We left there on schedule and landed in Norfolk ahead also. I had to actually wait for my ride instead of the other way around. Any frequent flier know how that goes. Jack was so excited to see me. Purrs nonstop. Because I felt sorry for him, I left him sleep in the room with me and he loved every minute of it. Today he has hardly left my lap. So spoiled.

This trip was the icing on the cake. I was already excited about the program and now I can't wait for it to start! September seems like forever away. Ugh! I get to enroll on the 20th, so I'm counting down. It's going to be awesome!! WOOO! Overall, it was the a fantastic opportunity and I was able to meet some really great people who I hope to keep in touch with.

Erin and Andrew at Champions

Allison and Morgan at Champions

18K Gold Tea Set by Tiffany & Co....how awesome it that!

Shopping!

2010-04-06T14:41:00.001-04:00

Whew...another week. Thank you! Yesterday was awesome. I spent the day shopping, which I don't do often. It takes me way too long to decide on something, especially when working within a budget. We have a clothing "envelope", so we can only spend what is in set aside. Luckily, I received an Express gift card for $100 for my birthday; plus, I had a coupon. Yes! I love coups. Rob agreed to meet me at the mall, since he really does have a good eye.

I have to admit, the beginning of the shopping experience was stressful. After about an hour and a half, I had an armful of items to pick from and I didn't "love" them. Now if I had the money to just buy what I want, then I would definitely have been excited about all of them. They looked good on me and I liked them; however, since I shop within a budget I really need to love whatever I buy. Besides, everyone knows if you don't love it in the store you're not going to love it when you get home!

So while standing in the side aisle trying to talk with Rob about what to get, take his thoughts into consideration, stay within my budget, and still get the stuff that I wanted and that was in my head when I walked into the store...I almost had a breakdown! I've never been so stressed out while shopping. I was at the point of just leaving and coming back later. I couldn't figure out what went wrong. I was excited to go buy a few spring/summer dresses and get some cute shoes to go with. I knew that I wanted a pair of plain black slacks and two cardigans (a black and a white). These were all things that I knew that I wanted. Yet, looking in my hand I only had one thing on that list. I realized that it all broke down when we first walked in and I found this great cream/off white long cardigan that I was drawn to. I loved it, yet I let Rob talk me into grabbing a short one. I love his input and while I had an idea in my own head, I was basing what I was picking up mostly on his opinion.

At this point, Rob had to be heading back to work. Turns out that this was for the best. Once he left, I started all over. I put back all but two skirts that I had been carrying around and focused on what I really wanting. Rob had mentioned before he left that I should buy what was on my list, since he knew that would make me the happiest and cut down on my buyer's remorse. Therefore, I went back to some of the things that I had in my head when I first walked into the store. I wanted some cute, summery dresses. In my head, they were short not long. I picked up a few to try on...I went back to the first creamy long cardigan...checked the sales rack...and grabbed a pair of crop wide waistband Editor pants in black. When I came out of the dressing room, I knew without a doubt what I wanted and better yet, I was happy about it!

I ended up with a purple dress, the Editor pants, a gray t-shirt from the clearance rack, my creamy cardigan, and a little black skirt that was 40% off. I then went to Payless and picked up three pairs of shoes. A light yellow colored slip on, a gold gladiator sandal, and a navy blue/grey wedge. The only remorse that I felt when I made it home was that I had spent my gift card and all of the money in the envelope. While that is what it's there for and Rob did say I could spend it, I felt bad that I spent it all and Rob ended up with none of it. I guess the next time it gets a nice chuck in there it will be his turn. Regardless, I look fabulous in all my new stuff. Below are a few pictures of my loot! I know the pants are khaki and the cardigan black in the picture, but pretend. :o)

Emails

2010-04-02T11:40:00.078-04:00

Am I ever going to be okay with it? Am I ever going to just move past the past?

This morning I woke up to find some forward emails in my inbox. One from the ex-wife, with hubby's reply, and one that he wrote to his children. Not the way that I want to start my day, but the fact that he remembered to send it was encouraging.

We have struggled with this aspect of our relationship. Having another female emailing your husband is unnerving, regardless of the "connection" and seeing how in the beginning...the frequency and emotional content...well, let's just say it can be very trying. There were so many times that I would read one and get angry, which led to a fight. I was furious that at his reaction to them, his replies, and the fact that he had an incredible hard time seeing anything she did as over the line. He was upset that I was so upset. That I was being understanding. That I couldn't just understand that she was the mother of his children. So on and so forth. There would be times when he wouldn't tell me about the emails. He would agree to things and bring it up later. More fighting. Anyway, we have worked hard to get to the point where he includes me in their exchanges. He still worries about my reaction, but pushes the emails through anyway. Surprisingly, I handle them better because I don't feel as left out. I don't feel like there is something going on behind my back.

So this morning, I read the email from the ex. It was about her newest boyfriend and how he has been hanging out with her and the kids a lot and it's getting serious....then it included hubby's reply. Same as all the others...asking basic details about the new guy and making sure that he knows his place in the kids' lives. In his reply, he chose to include a comparison or two with our relationship and it made me angry. They way he handles this sort of thing has always bothered me, but the comparisons really pushed me over the edge. Not once has he handled her new boyfriends anywhere close to how she handled our relationship and not once has she handled hers the way that she treated ours! How dare he compare her new fling with where we are in our relationship! We are married and have been together going on 4 years! How dare he invalidate our relationship in that manner. We were living together for over a year before I met his children. I had to have a meeting with her first. Then I had to go over to their house and spend a few hours there, so they could get to know me, before we took them with us. I spent the day at their house for his son's birthday party...while she and her friends talked about me in the kitchen. How dare he....

Needless to say, I have very strong feelings about the way that they each have decided to handle her relationships. He's "whatever" and she's introducing a new guy after only a few months when they aren't serious. I just don't get it.

So I am angry. I am hurt. I wanted to email him back and tell him how angry I was, but I didn't. I did not want to take another step back caused by something that cannot be changed. I just took a deep breath and reminded myself that he shared the email. He's trying. As for my feelings, I'll just share them here because he will never understand and it will never change. It's all about being accepting of the situation and not letting it bring you down. Not letting his past effect my future. Thankfully, bring my thoughts and feelings here has made me feeling better. Now when he comes home from work, we can have a good day with no fights.

Part II:

As I already mentioned, I also had an email waiting that he send to his children. Now this is the first time that I have ever had one of these, so I'm not really sure of his motivation. Never have I asked to be included in this correspondence and never has he shown any interest in doing so. These email was entitled Re: I love you. Surprisingly, it was quite a long one (about the length of Part I) and it turns out that the entire thing was him expressing his love to them. Anyone how has read my previous post Does He or Doesn't He, or any recent one for that matter, knows my thoughts, anxiety, and doubts when it comes to that area of our lives, so you can imagine how I felt reading an endless email about his love and devotion to them. After the first email, this one pretty much shattered what was left of my calm. I even cried a bit.

"I know the situation as it is now is not the best when it comes to us being together (you, Gabey and me) but you can trust in the fact that I am working on both ends (here and with your mom) to make it better."

and

"My heart is full of joy because I know you two live and breath. I work to ensure that mommy gets the money she needs to keep you two well taken care of because right now that is what I can do consistently do without fail, but you two [are] more than the money I send out, you are my children, my love, my life."

What am I supposed to say to that? How am I supposed to feel? I don't know what the correct way is, but I do know that it makes me feel separate, a third wheel, loved less...not like a beloved wife. That email torn at my most tender spot and I am left hurt and feeling alone. I know that he was not trying to hurt me with his words and chances are he was not considering my feelings at all when he emailed them. I know he doesn't read this blog, so I am sure that he is not anymore aware of my feelings than he was when we discussed them last. He was just trying to share with me, but ended up breaking my heart in pieces.

Will I ever feel loved like I need? Will I ever feel like my husband wants children with me and can love us like he does the children he already has? Will I ever feel most important to anyone?

Through Faith I Walk

2010-03-21T13:54:00.000-04:00

So it appears that I've been complaining a lot about my marriage...well, more so about my decision to get married to my husband. When I think back to the moment that I saw Rob, I was immediately attracted to him. He had the bluest eyes I had ever seen...strong jawline with great cheeks. I thought he was funny and confident. Those first few days spent getting to know each other was fun. I enjoyed that time; however, my intuition was telling me that something was wrong.

I am a big believer in intuition and for the most part have followed it; however, I was enjoying myself so throughly and wanted to believe that everything was alright, that I chose to ignore it. It did keep nagging at me right up until he told me all about himself. In that moment, after I had allowed myself to fall in love with him, my worse fears were realized. Nevertheless, I did not start listening. I continued to follow my heart and pushed forward with the relationship. Throughout our entire relationship, I held onto my hope, desire, and need for a loving relationship. I continued to have doubt, which I would pass off as my insecurities trying to overtake me.

Now I look at where I am and wonder why I never decided to listen to my intuition? I married a man who is really the complete opposite of me. We are not friends really, don't have much in common to talk about, don't have the same faith, and have yet to master the ability to communicate in a helpful manner or at all. LOL...what were we thinking?! Well, we were thinking that we loved each other and we both want this relationship. Now don't get me wrong here. We are not at each other's throats and anything close to that. We love each other and do enjoy each other's company; we just spend a lot of time sitting together without much to say.

Many of people believe that intuition is one of God's ways to speak to us and guide us. I, honestly, am of this belief too. So why, knowing that God wants only the best for me, did I continue to ignore His direction? Because I was afraid that He was going to tell me to wait! Afraid that I was still going to be alone! Afraid that I would never find that special someone, so I went with what was right in front of me and boy, have I paid for it. So many trials...fights...crying...yet, we always manage to come back together.

These thoughts have really been consuming my mind lately. Why am I with a man that has two children and an ex wife? Why am I with someone that I don't enjoy talking to? Why am I with someone who believes that science is god? How is it possible that I got so far from all that I wanted? Then I realize that I blame myself. I am angry at myself more than I very was at Rob. I felt that I did myself an injustice. With that I have guilt, something that I inherited from my Catholic father. Then I ask myself, why are all these thoughts coming to the forefront now? Well, for one...I am on this journey to find myself and two...I'm doing almost daily Bible study. I have my devotionals and am truly sinking deeper and deeper into the Word. As I do, I learn more and more about God, myself, and my relationship with others...especially my husband.

Now after weeks spend on these concerns, doubts, and would be mistakes, I am finding some peace this morning...more so as I started putting this post together. Something that has made its way from the back of my mind is the simple truth that God has a plan for me and it is in His control.

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG)

"You have searched me, LORD, and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely." Psalm 139:1-4 (TNIV)

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16 (TNIV)

Perhaps if I quit thinking about the past and all that I don't have, I will see all the He has before me. The Lord does not give us anything that we can't handle and everything that come our way is to shape us into the person that He intended us to be. God knew that I would marry Rob. He knew the trials and tribulations that both Rob and I would be faced with in this marriage. He has a purpose for us to be together.

Even throughout all the fears and doubts that I've had over the last few weeks, I never thought of ending it. Just walking away. Instead, I have been consumed with the what ifs...what if I can't handle not having my husband be my best friend....what if we can't learn to communicate...what if we can't learn to appreciate each other and handle one another with patience and kindness. I want our marriage to succeed and us to triumph.

And as obvious as it is now, it wasn't last night...we have to seek God and pray for each of these things to have them in our marriage. Putting my trust in Him and He will provide. He will give me the strength to continue and find those things that are missing in our marriage...in Him. God has provided me the opportunity to learn patience, kindness, and His unconditional love. Plus the opportunity to share His love with a nonbeliever. I can't think of more precious blessings that He could give. In this marriage, He will force me to deny my "fleshy" life and walk in faith. That's cool...not easy...but I'm thankful for this opportunity.

Does He or Doesn't He

2010-03-18T11:38:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow is my 28th birthday! Not really a milestone, but 28 is almost 30. LOL..but I'm not worried. The big 30 isn't scary to me. I'm hoping the closer that I get to it the more grown up I'll feel.

Life is funny. I was just texting with one of my greatest friends about that. We were talking about how far we've come since college. She is pregnant with her first baby! She is having a girl and due in July. I couldn't be happier for her. I know that she will be a great mom and I am excited to meet the little one...whenever that is.

My birthday approaching and talking with her made me think about my future plans. I can honestly say that I expected to have at least one kiddo by now. In my life plan I was going to be married by 25 (didn't happen until 27) and start with the family by 27 (turning 28 with no projected outcome). It seems like everyday another friend is posting a picture of a pregnancy test and announcing the good news. I can't help but feel left out. I finally understand that damn clock and I find it frustrating. LOL. What is more frustrating than that is my desire to have one. There is a part of me that is ready...wanting to take that step and begin; however, there is also that part that is worried that I am not ready yet. Still too selfish with too much to do. Finish my masters, travel, etc.

That wasn't always the case and I believe that my uncertainty comes from my situation with my husband. I remember this conversation that we had when we were first getting to know each other. We were in Alabama, walking from the car to the restaurant and talking about kids. This is how the conversation went:

Me: How many kids do you want?

Him: 2, a boy and a girl

Me: oh, weird. You're probably the only guy I know who actually has that figured out.

(My thoughts: "perfect...this is definitely my future husband.")

At that time, I was excited about all the possibilities that our relationship held and children were a big part of that. I can say that I was truly happy at that moment.

Then fast forward to the fact that he already had two children...boy and girl...to a conversation in Tacoma at the Melting Pot about 3 months after we started living together...now I don't remember the whole conversation, but we were once again talking about having children and he made a statement that has stuck with me. Probably because it was devastating to me...LOL. We were talking about having children and I'm sure that I was saying something about him waiting more children...bring up the conversation in Alabama. He said to me [paraphrasing] "well, I'm okay without having more children. I have fulfilled my need, but if you wanted to have children then I'd be will to." I think what made that statement so devastating was that while he wasn't saying that he didn't want anymore children, he was saying that his desire was filled.

Step ahead to the last year and when we discuss it, he has it in his head that we won't be starting a family for 3-5 years. He wants us to be ready. 3-5 years!! Can you believe that...he wants me to wait another 3-5 years. When "they" decided to have "their" children, "they" planned it out. Each child...yet "they" talked about divorce about a year or so after the first one was born and were having problems up until about 6 months to a year before "they" DECIDED to have the second. "They" talked about divorce again before that child turned 1! That was the final talk because after that we met and so on. "They" waited until "they" were ready, but apparently not really. It's frustrating.

I know bring children into this world is a big responsibility and can be a blessing to a marriage, but can also put a lot of strain on one. I understand that and I know we are not ready right now to have a baby. I would just like the opportunity to plan our family and life around us and not have to build off of his former one. He talks about how great it was that they planned it out and how he wouldn't change a thing and I am so glad it worked out for them that way. On the other hand, I feel like he might be trying to compensate for their issues by putting such a ridiculous timeline on us. But it also brings up fears that he really isn't sure about wanting anymore children, so he's putting it off. (**Note: during some of our recent talks this past year, he has assured me that he does, in fact, want children with me.) Not to mention, that while his need is met...mine isn't. So my clock is busy ticking away and he's perfectly fine because he no longer has that desire; therefore, waiting 3-5 years is nothing for him. You know...*sigh*

This is way we are not ready to have children yet and I believe that his statements and actions have caused me to be uncertain about what I want. I am worried that he really doesn't want more children and that it would be him just doing it to make me happy. Nice thought, but when I have children I want my husband to want them and not just go with it because I want them. He's always talking about what amazing children he already has and how great, special, etc they are...and I believe that if I told him that I didn't want to have children, he would be perfectly okay with that. He wouldn't push for us to display our love for each other through children. He really would be okay with it, which is bothersome for me. Again with the want thing.

So here I sit, going back and forth, about my future family. I know I have my insecurities about myself and my relationship and this could be less of a deal than I am making it. With each new pregnancy post though, I can't help but feel that I am missing out on something and that way our relationship started took something else away from me...something that I didn't realize until now...something very special.

ETA: While in the shower this thought hit me...Rob always tells people that we want children but not for a few years (told his boss just yesterday actually) and I find myself saying that we plan on having children when we're ready...then I actually look for things that I can do and we can do to be ready whether it takes us 6 months, 1 year, or 3 years...that's the difference in our thinking. I'm always looking for ways to make it happen because it is something that I want. A goal. A desire.

Is that you God?

2010-03-16T11:38:00.000-04:00

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,

knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.

But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

James 1:2-4

So as most of you know, I hate being a patrol officer. Spending 8 hours a day in a car is not fun...nothing like a road trip with friends. I drive in squares, use a 1/4 of a tank of gas, and get nowhere. If you include the crazy work hours, I would say that this job is sucking the happiness right out of me. I'm pretty sure Rob would tell you the same thing. Poor guy, he puts up with some much of my anxiety and depression brought on by this place that I'm at.

Back in February, I took a week off to figure out what I really needed. I spent that week putting in two resumes a day...10 that week. Rob and I agreed that it was time that I move on and regardless of the pay, if I was happy it would be worth it and the budget will be reworked. I committed it to prayer and left it at that; but, I had this unsettling feeling that God wasn't going to let me leave the police department. Whatever "work" I was suppose to do here was not finished. It was an awful feeling, bringing me to tears several times. How could He not see that I was so unhappy doing this job? Why would He not provide me with something else?

During that time I kept coming across different scriptures during my daily readings in Proverbs, Psalms, and James. The story about trials and tribulations being a river you have to cross in your boat. It's not easy to make it to the other side, but you have to stay in the boat! On the other side is a person with stronger faith. You can't leave the boat and with each trial you become more and more like the person God had in mind. So many of the scriptures and devotionals were talking about doing a great job at work for God and how God will reward those who do a good work. These all sound wonderful, but what if you truly are miserable at your job? Does that give you a pass? Will He provide you with something else?

With each of these scriptures running through my mind, I became more and more unsettled. I was fearful that I was going to have to stay in patrol. My flesh was fighting it even though I knew that if it was God's plan for me to stay there and complete His work that it was a good thing. God's plans are always for the best. I would tell myself that over and over. During one of my runs, I was listening to a Podcast from Joyce Meyer and I ended up crying full of frustration and hurt that God wanted me to stay was I was. I told Him that I was going to do His will even if it killed me, but I reminded Him (in case God could forget) that I had asked for a new job and deep in my heart I needed it. I said out loud that He had promised if I asked in His name, He would do it (paraphrased of course).

I continued working and that's when I took my week off in February. I thought that surely if I applied to all of those jobs, God would find one that suited me and His purpose. Rob and I made the decision that regardless of me having another job, I was going to resign either the 31st or the 4th of April. I'm even supposed to be following up with a HR manager at this company to work on setting up an interview. Everything is good right?

I still have this nagging "check" telling me that God isn't giving me the go ahead. Then on Friday of last week, I checked my work email and there was a vacancy in the Crime Prevention Unit! Monday through Friday, 8-4:30...perfect hours for my schooling and body clock. Paperwork, working with citizens in Neighborhood watch, civic leagues, etc. This would be perfect for me!! I would get to stay in the police department, still doing law enforcement (which still interests me), keeping my pay, and normal work hours. And it hit me...was this God's way of answering my prayers? Was this His go ahead?

I am excited about this opportunity; however, there is one small problem. To transfer, you have to have 2 years on the force as a sworn officer. I'm 9 months short of that. I will be with the department 2 years in July, but I wasn't sworn in until December. I now have to convince my LT to let me put in for it. He will have to agree to sign off on it for me to be eligible. I'll be meeting with him today and I have caught myself doubting it will work and questioning what will happen then, but then a thought pushes it back. If this is God's plan then who will be able to stop it? No one. If God wants me in this position, then surely the LT will say yes and sign off on it. If not, then maybe it's not God's plan after all or maybe He has a different way of going about arranging it. Who knows...and if it turns out to not workout, I always have my job interview with "Company A" to work toward.

So here I sit...sick with a head cold...and praying for courage and the right words to convince my LT about this new job opportunity. Sometimes I really wish that there was a definitely was to know if the path that I'm looking to go down is God's or my own....like a big sign that reads, "This way". That would be nice.

Path Taken

2010-03-15T18:38:00.002-04:00

These past few weeks have had me thinking a lot about the bonds between people. Everyone in your life you have some sort of bond with or they wouldn't be in your life, right? Makes sense to me. Well, what got me thinking about this is the bond between Rob and I. Husband and wife bonds are more unique than any other. The bond is love, but not friendship love or family love. It's the not love that you have for your best friends or your parents, sisters, babies, etc.; even though it is a very similar love. It's a special love that joins two people together including friendship love and family love all in one. Now the bond between husband and wife is strong. Built on trials, adventures, and lazy Saturdays. This bond starts from the very first date and strengthens with each passing day, fact learned, and fight forgiven. This bond is stronger and more important than all others. It's the first bond in a family. Husband and wife.

Now what happens when that bond isn't foster as it should? What happens when during the bonding moments something dramatic interrupts the connection? What happens to a couple when their bond is not woven together as it should be, but rather has loops throughout their rope?

Rob and I never had the opportunity to create a bond forged by dates and normal fights. When our coupledom started, we were already fighting the biggest battle a relationship could ever have. It was an awful situation and one that I should have walked away from. Any bond that had formed was ravaged and destroyed by his lies, yet, I fought for it. Why? Because of love? Because of fear of being alone? Because of fear of being wrong? All three I would say.

So our bond in the beginning...the most important part...was destroyed by selfishness. Yet we started again...however, it was never the same. That selfishness had destroyed everything. But we both fought for our love. Fought for what we both wanted building and destroying and starting over. Finally, building had started and was moving forward...making memories and taking small steps. Slowly building that bond. Then the moment of truth came...make the commitment or separate. We all know what happened.

Now here is the funny part. I've seen people come into my husband's life, friends he's had for years, and I see the bond between them. I see the strength that was forged through war and courage. Through a love of something that they believe in. Then I look at the bond between him and his ex-wife forged by their children. Finally, I look at ours and wonder to myself if it's as strong as these others. I ask this because deep down I have doubts. Doubts that I made the right decision. Doubts that he is who I am truly supposed to be with.

Now I don't doubt that I love him, because I do. I don't love the fact that he has been married before. I don't love that he has children. Mostly, I don't love that I will never be the most important person in his life...to my husband. Not at the beginning, not right after marriage, not right now, not ever. I found myself thinking about this every now and again. Why would I put myself in a situation that I didn't want? What was I thinking? How would my life be different if I had made a different choice? Would I still be alone? Would I ever find someone to love me?

Then I find myself plotting. Plotting to find that love and connection that we should have. I tell myself, "once we get to the point where we are ready for children, then we will have that connection. I will be the mother of his children. We will have that bond. That sacred bond that he shares with his ex, except ours will be better and stronger because we are married." Crazy, right?

I know that most of these thoughts and feelings are brought on by my own insecurities and exasperated by my search for who I am. When you don't have a full grip on who you are, it's hard to know where you fit in everyone's life. But should that feeling cross a bond as special and unique as a husband and wife? I don't know, but I do know that the more I discover about myself, the more I see areas in Rob that I don't appreciate. He'll tell me about my feelings and thoughts and actions and how they are wrong. He makes me feel uncomfortable with being myself at times. I know that I don't like that. It all comes back to me questioning if I made my choices for the right reasons. I hate feeling like the third wheel in my own marriage. I hate that I will never be the most important person to my husband ever. I hate that I feel like I'm competing for love and attention when my stepchildren are around. I hate that they are not mine and his. I hate that he has a sacred bond with another woman that we don't have. I hate that this whole other world existed before us.

One thing that I do know...I will not be making the same mistake twice. I will follow my instinct regardless. I will not quiet my voice because of fear. I am here. Married to my husband whom I do love and whom I do want to have my own children with. I am here. Pushing to find myself and to know myself. I am here. Determined to create a bond between husband and wife that is stronger than any title, based on the love shown to me by God. Loving my husband to the best of my ability and making our life the best that it can be.

Did I make a mistake by staying with Rob? Did I make a mistake by marrying a man who has two children from another woman? Did I make a mistake by putting myself in a situation where I would not be most important? I will never know, because those are the choices that I made and I am here now. Regardless of what could have been, this is what is and I am going to make the most of it. I will never doubt my "checks" again and that's how I am going to live my life. I am going to love myself, my husband, and our relationship for what it is, knowing that the Lord will bless it with happiness and love...regardless of anything else. I am right where I am supposed to be. A wrong turn or not. I just wish it wasn't so hard sometimes.

2010-03-10T23:11:00.000-05:00

I'm awful at this. The thought to write in my blog hits me regularly...about once a day actually...yet, I never make the time to put those thoughts done. It is frustrating and disappointing. I find myself blaming my work schedule...when I'm on days I'm exhausted (very true) and when I'm on evenings I have 3 hours a day to accomplish everything that I have to before going off to work (also true). Yet, I always find time to do other things in that time. Things that are still important to get done, like my Bible study or exercise. Here's how a normal "day shift" day works out...

0430: Get up
0510: Leave for work
0600-1430: Work...drive around in a car looking for law breakers...
1430-1500: Get off work and drive home

Then hope to be in bed before 2300 hrs and actually sleep. When we first switch over to days, I'll spend the first 2 days trying to adjust my sleep schedule. Getting to bed between 11 and 1am...spending the entire night tossing and turning from the expectation of the alarm. Wednesday I'm so exhausted I'm in bed by 1930 at the lastest. Then my Thursday and Friday are more even spread.

Between the time that I get home from work and got to bed I just veg out. My mental state is pretty much non-existant, more so on my Monday and Tuesday. This drain on my energy doesn't just effect my blogging, I often don't get my Bible Study or run in either. So okay, when I'm on day shift I don't get a chance to blog...but I still have my weekends!! Nonetheless, I don't make it a priority.

Now nights usually works like this:

0800: Get up
0900-1200: Bible Study, Run, Shower, Errands, Chores etc.
12:00-1300: Get Ready for work, pack lunch, make lunch, leave for work
1400:-2230: Work...see above
2230-2300: Drive home
2300-Midnight: Visit my husband
Midnight: Bed

Now if I have court that morning than I don't have time to do anything besides get up and go to court where I sit until I'm done then go straight to work. Without those days though, I how about 3-4 hours to get things done, however, I just never seem to have the time to get it all in there. Nonetheless, I don't make it a priority.

*sigh* Here is how I see my life with a new job schedule that doesn't change every other week and doesn't require me to work on my days off.

0600: Get up
0610-0640: Run
0645-0745: Shower/Dress/Breakfast
0745: Leave for work
0800-1700: Work...in an office with people who are not trying to kill me or anyone else.
1700-1715: Drive home
1800: Dinner
1845-2030: Free time
2030-2100: Get ready for bed
2100-2200: Bible Study
2200-2230: Bedtime

Now I keep going back and forth about the running and the Bible Study. I'm not sure if I would prefer to do the running after work and do my Bible Study in the morning to start the day or as I have it above. I enjoy starting my day off with the B, however, I also enjoy the run; but, I am not going to get up at a ridiculously early time to get it all in.

In this dream job fantasy, I have time to blog and do all the things that I want and need to do. In those hours of free time I can read or write or watch TV with the husband...the possibilities are endless. When that happens I'm going to stop making excuses for not writing and just write. When that happens I'm going to be all the things that I see myself being. Actually when that happens the Second Coming will probably be here. :o)

Either way, I hate that I don't make the time to write as often as I think about it. But I like that I just wrote a whole post on not liking it, yet still managing to make excuses that sound good enough to be okay with. LOL.

From Escapin' to Explorin'

2010-02-21T22:11:00.000-05:00

It's official. We sold my Escape. :o(

I bought that vehicle in 2004 brand new...right after I received my insurance money from my car accident. So many memories...so many adventures.

It was the vehicle Amy and I used to go to New Orleans. It was the vehicle Danyel, Jennifer Jones, and I used to go to New Orleans before Katrina hit. It was the vehicle that Amy, Jennifer, and I used to go to Sedona for Spring Break...the best ever! It was the vehicle that I drove cross country when I moved to Tacoma, WA from Oklahoma to start my life with Rob. It was my freedom. My chance to see the world...well, the US anyway. It was mine and no one else had any claim to it.

Back in early fall between August and October (don't really remember), it broke down on the way home from work. I made it 15 mins from home. I stopped at a stoplight and then went to turn right. As soon as I tried to accelerate it made the worse noise...like something was trapped and hitting my engine. Rob was out of town, so I ended up calling a guy friend from work. He met me at the corner and between several walks to and from the auto parts store, we discovered that a spark plug had come out...yeah, doesn't happen very often. We put it back in and used electrical tape to hold it in place until I got home. Once Rob made it home, he used plastic putty to secure it.

Well, in January it happened again! Of course, while coming home from work...this time in the ghetto. Well, that is where I work after all. It was Spark Plug #6. Last time #3. Basically, what was happening was the metal was failing and the spark plug was shooting out hitting the pistols. Since it was in the back, we had to have a mechanic deal with it. $600 later...it was fixed.

Then about 3 weeks ago the idol started revving up on its own while in park. That was Rob's last straw. He did not find it reliable anymore and I was beginning to worry myself. So his boss, knowing about our budget, offered to sell us his 2002 Ford Explorer for $1500. As hard as it was, I agreed to go through with it. Rob took the Escape to Car Max, who offered us $5000 for it. We sold it and bought the Explorer.

In turn, we put about $1500 into the Explorer for new tires, filters, belts, and so on. It's a nice vehicle and still in good shape, however, you can tell that someone was a bad smoker. Cigarette burns everywhere! Luckily, Rob cleaned it so well it doesn't have any smoke smell.

We put $4500 toward our debt and overall...I'm glad we did it. I know that I was too attached and God was letting me know. Plus, it was a great way to pay down some debt...which the Lord was also showing us. I'm going to miss that vehicle, but I still have the memories. I'll be one of those people reminiscing with friends with lines such as, "hey, remember that drive to Sedona in the Escape..."

Like Rob says...I'm no longer escaping life, I'm exploring it. I think he's probably right.

Sunshine Award

2010-02-21T21:20:00.000-05:00

I received my first and probably only blog award from Chelsea at From Japan to Germany.

Friends are constant rays of sunshine in my life and she definitely was in that psych class...ugh!

Here are the rules for the award:

Put the logo on your blog within your post. (check)
Pass the award on to 12 other Bloggers. (Hmm...don't really know 12.)
Link the nominees within your post.
Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their post.
Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

I hope you enjoy these blogs:

Positively Present

The Happiness Project

The Bold Life

It's All About Joy

Work Happy Now

From Japan to Germany

Our Everyday Blessings

Sorry...not 12, but these are the best and I read them daily. I only have 2 followers, but I know there are several more folks that read this sporadically. Take a few minutes and check these out.

2010-02-07T10:02:00.000-05:00

"Satan trembles when he sees the weakest saint upon their knees."

-William Cowper-

Month Number 2, Here We Come

2010-02-01T19:39:00.001-05:00

Wow, I can't believe it is already February! How exciting. January passed so quick, I hope I didn't miss anything. What a month is was too.

Rob's good friend and fellow AF EOD moved down here from Seattle. Rob's company was hiring and she needed a job. She's been staying with us since the 17th of January. We got her all set up with the Total Money Makeover and she should be out of debt by the end of this year!! She found a place about 5 miles from work and is getting settled in tonight. Yesterday, they found that the pipes cracked during the big snow storm that came in on Saturday morning.

Those last two were taken when I was starting my car to held off to work on Sunday. I had to work through the entire storm and it was less than fun! As you can see, Rob's truck was not moved the entire time. All the snow on mine is just from Saturday afternoon and evening. Quite a difference!

Anyway, we celebrated both Kristie (Jan. 23) and Rob's (Jan. 25) birthday with some friends of ours at Outback on Rob's B-day. Rob loves that place and it was nice to have everyone together.

He was in Vegas from the 19-23 and then he left again on the 26th for New Jersey. Kristie and I spent the time bonding. Lol.

I finished my application for UWM. Everything was due today. I'm very unsure of my chances. I did less than awesome on the MAT and right now, I'm just hoping that I get admitted on probation. I could live with that and definitely make up for it with my grades. All I need is a shot.

Overall, January passed with no real changes to our lives. I am looking forward to another month and am praying for a change in jobs.

The Blame Game...I'm sure you're heard of it

2010-01-23T22:42:00.001-05:00

My, oh, my...what have I done. I can't stop thinking about yesterday and all that played out. Of course, my night didn't end as I had hoped. Rob ended up calling me at 10:50 p.m. in a cab with half a dozen drunk guys yelling in the background. I had asked him to call me in the afternoon and would think that it would be common sense to call before going out and getting hammered. What do I know. Either way, I was very irritated and upset at the situation. I was looking forward to getting to talk with him and that did not go as planned. But that is not what I wish to write about.

I was thinking and rethinking about my thoughts yesterday. Seeing them in word form made the implications behind each one more venomous...more angry and more finger pointing then I ever thought I was capable of. I was really blaming Rob for where I am today. Granted, it's not all bad; but it's definitely not where I expected to be!

The one statement that has stuck out at me the most questions why my life has be on a downward spiral while Rob's seems to be pointed to the sky. Whether it was noticed or not, the tone in that statement was accusatory. Since I've been with Rob I have become increasingly unhappy and for good reason. I moved away from my "go to" girls. I had my people who I could call for anything, to go to the movies, hang out, travel...you name it and I had someone to do it with. I settled in Washington reasonable well, with a new possible "go to" girl. Then we packed up in route to Virginia. I believe that it's at that point that everything really heading down.

From day one I was unhappy here and with each passing day it remained unchanged. I found a job and worked with some girls that I enjoyed. On occasion we would get together right after work for some drinks, but nothing really came of that. I soon found myself without any real friends here. I believe that's when I started to sink into a mild depression. I was unhappy where I lived. I was unhappy where I worked and there was still our relationship to deal with. When I quit FBA I was at a complete loss as to what to do with myself. I had no direction, but needed to do something to bring in money. Rob was getting antsy too. He knew we needed the income and was started to stress out about it a bit. That was the time that I made the decision to apply to the police department.

Fun how desperation clouds one's judgement. I remember being on vacation in Asheville and thinking about pursuing the police department. I was constantly trying to talk myself into it. When you have to talk yourself into a job, it's probably not the right one for you. I also remember telling Rob on several different occasions about never wanting to be a police officer. I didn't want to work on the weekends or at night. I didn't like the idea of having to deal with all the crap that they deal with. Plus, not admitting it to him or really to myself...I was afraid. The job was dangerous! However, I managed to convince myself that it was a good stepping stone to get where I was trying to go...federal.

I half-heartedly went through the academy and now here I sit. Dreading work...hating the hours, going to court on my days off, riding around in a car alone for 8 hours....and I tell myself that I knew better. Well, I did. I did know better and had I actually knew myself then things would have played out differently...in so many ways.

When putting those thoughts down and putting everything that I have learned over the last several months together, I realize that I have been blaming the wrong person this whole time. I've been angry at Rob for bringing his debt into our lives. I've been angry at Rob for making me move here. I have been angry with Rob for my misdirection/no direction and for him doing so well. Talk about walking with blinders on!

Yes, Rob did bring a lot of debt into our marriage. I blindly accepted it without really considering what it would mean to me. That was my fault. That was not Rob's doing. While it still makes me angry on a bad day, I have accepted that it is there and we, as a couple, are working to pay it off. Yes, without his ex-wife's help or even acknowledgement...but that also is not his fault, well, not completely anyway. :o)

Yes, it was Rob's job that had us move here. However, I was the one who told him to look for a new job and I agreed to move here. He did not drag me. Of course, if I knew then what I know now...he would have. I don't like it here, but until either one of us finds something better somewhere else or we are out of debt...we're here. Regardless, it's at least another 2 years. When the next move comes, we will look for a place that will be a mutual destination enjoyed by both parties.

My misdirections and lack of a direction has nothing to do with Rob! Period! I had been just walking through life for so long now that I don't even know myself. I don't know what makes me happy, what makes me feel bad...I don't really know why I do half the things that I do. That is why I couldn't pick a direction for my life...it has nothing to do with Rob. It's hard and frustrating and depressing to feel so lost. When you look around and see everyone enjoying their lives and continuously doing one thing after another...it makes you wonder what's wrong with you. Talk about a total self-esteem killer. Of course, realizing that you just don't know yourself well enough to take the steps you need to to achieve that helps a lot.

The last several months have really been an eye opener for me. I have found, on the blogs that I follow, lessons that have truly changed the way that I view myself and life. You would not believe the time that I have started spending on getting to know myself. Being honest with myself about what I enjoy and what I don't enjoy has been a struggle. Just being honest with myself is hard!

I know that this year holds wonderful new things for me. It's only January and I have already changed so much. I am eager to continue this journey and I think that I've made my first stop at SELF discovery.

I am the only one who can change me.
I've found that I would often sit around and say to myself, "oh, I wish I was like her." "I really want to be [this way]." "I don't like [blank] about myself." But I would never do anything to really address those thoughts. I wouldn't even really ask myself why I was doing [blank].

I am solely responsible for life's outcome.
I cannot blame Rob anymore. I am where I am because I chose to be there. It's not fair to him or our relationship for me to constantly point fingers. While he might have been the one to start the car, I agreed to go along for the ride. I have to start paying attention to my body's signs and my emotions so that I can better understand myself, so when something comes up I can make a decision based on how it is going to effect me. I have to accept that if I get into a car with someone, it's because I made the decision to do so. It seems like the smartest thing for me to do before getting into the car is thinking about who I am and how it could effect me.

Get to know Jonique
To make decisions at a fork in the road, you have to know where you want to go. To do that, you have to ask yourself. To have an answer, if have to know what you want and to do that...you have to know yourself. I don't want to someone else to know "me" better than I do. Of course, there will always be things that others see that you can't. But that is mostly because you choose not to. The more I know about me, the more I will be able to make educated choices in my daily life. Not to mention, be able to get to know other people. Knowing me and what I like will put me into a position to meet others who enjoy similar things.

Stay Connected and Get Involved
I have to stay connected with my people. I have to make the time to call and write and even text. While I still don't have any close friends here, I still have my close friends back in Oklahoma. There is no reason that I still can't nourish our friendships from here. It could still provide many benefits. I also have a great sorority that is always looking for volunteers. Doing things that put me out of myself and provide me the opportunity to be around others (and make friends) is a great way to learn about myself. Being involved with the sorority and church could only bring new things to my life.

This blog took a different turn then I had expected when I first thought to address my feelings and thoughts from yesterday. I can't believe how blind I have been and how that has caused such awful feelings to grow within me. I feel horrified to see what I have become. Oh how Rob must love me to put up with my crap. But I see it now. I have identified it and have acknowledged that it is me. My eyes are wide open and I am not liking what I see, but that means I can change it. I have actively make the decision to do differently when those thoughts strike again. I can take responsibility for my role in every choice I make.

I see it clearer now and oh how the opportunities are unrolling. I think I will be in SELF town for a bit before moving on. Where? I don't know yet, but half the fun is getting there.

Oh jealousy...What a nasty little thing you are

2010-01-22T23:34:00.000-05:00

Main Entry: jeal·ou·sy
Pronunciation: \ˈje-lə-sē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural jeal·ou·sies
Date: 13th century

1 : a jealous disposition, attitude, or feeling
2 : zealous vigilance

“Jealousy is the only vice that gives no pleasure”
-anonymous

“If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness and fears.”
-Cesare Pavese

While I am definitely not proud of it, I must admit that I have a problem with jealousy. Yuck! It's awful to have to be so truthful. No one likes to believe that they can be a jealous person. Everyone likes to think of themselves as great people, with kind hearts, and likable. Get real...not everyone is all those things. If it were, in fact, true...we would be living Heaven on Earth and that clearly is not the case. At least not from the street that I'm on.

So my jealousy tends to appear about the time that something is happening with my husband. Most recently it was when he announced that he had a "business" trip out to Las Vegas. Really?! A last minute business trip that is not planned at all, but with the purpose of having a board meeting one of the days out there. So when he first tells me about it the second thing out of his mouth is, "So Jim likes to go to strip clubs, if that happens I want to go." Not really sure how that fits in with a business trip, but whatever. The mere fact that he's telling me that he wants to go is a whole other blog all together.

Well, I resigned to just go with the flow. There was nothing that I could do about it and really when I thought about it, what was the big deal anyway. I made the decision that I was going to be supportive of the trip and continue with my personal changes. One of them is to express my love for my spouse through how I talk to/with him. So he leaves on a jet plane on Wednesday and honestly, I was okay with it. When I would feel it trying to creep up on me, I would take a deep breath and be resolved to move forward. It was working and I was doing well. Then last night I was exchanging texts with my husband right before bed and this is how it went:

"don't be jealous, but Jim is talking about taking a select few to see Garth...I'm stoked."
"Who? Garth as in Garth Brooks"
"You know it...I'm excited"

Now anyone who is from the Midwest, especially Oklahoma, knows who Garth Brooks is. It's his home state and whatnot. If you're a country music fan, Garth Brooks is like the Hank Williams of our generation. He was retired and there was talk about him coming out of retirement. Apparently, he did and is in Vegas. Seeing as how I enjoy country music and was, well, raised on it...seeing Garth Brooks would be an amazing opportunity. My husband...well, Garth Brooks is about his extent of country music. I'm exaggerating here...but his country music taste is limited. First, to start the text with "don't be jealous.." that is a clue and who would not be jealous when you hear that someone you know is might get to see Garth Brooks in concert!

Needless to say, I was jealous. I was angry and jealous. I was quickly becoming a very unhappy wife. Angry thoughts were rushing through my head.

"Why is it always him? Why am I the one who is always left home.
I am the one who hates living here. Why am I the one who has be stuck here.
When we got to together my life just kept going down and his has just kept getting better.
How is that possible?
Because of this debt...that was created by my husband and his ex-wife...I am not doing what I want to do. They were irresponsible, not me.
She should be the one helping to pay of this debt and he should be the one sitting at home.
But no, she's not paying and he's not at home.
His job has him traveling all over the place, all the time!

I did try to take some deep, calming breaths to regain focus. For one, he said talking about seeing Garth...it wasn't definite. With all these negative thoughts pushing their way around my head, I had to sit and read for a bit. I had to take my mind off of it and relax again or I was never going to get any sleep. Of course, before that I sent my sister a text asking about their cruise I thought they were going on in February. If he was going to get to go on all these mini-vacations, then I was taking one too. Screw the budget. I'm not going to sit here anymore!! Fast forward...read my book and then fell asleep.

Now last night, Rob had sent another text stated that Garth was sold out. When I got around to reading it, I had two rather different feelings...one was of vindication! Ha, teach you. But that one was quickly replaced by guilt. Awful, awful guilt. What kind of wife was I? What kind of person was I? Why would I not want my husband to have a good time and enjoy himself? Did I not what him to? Of course not. I want him to be happy. I want him to be able to enjoy things. What I don't want is for him to enjoy things without me. What I don't want is for him to get to have all these amazing opportunities without me...and I get left behind. Still never experiencing anything. Still stuck in unhappiness. That's what I didn't want. So I felt bad about it, but decided to forgive myself. I thought it would be a good idea to talk to Rob about it and go from there. Throughout the day, however, my thoughts of unfairness were bubbling below the surface. I was still blaming him for my unhappiness and an occasionally accusation would push into my active thinking. I was still determined to talk to him about it, to apologize for my behavior.

When he finally woke up and called, he sounded kinda down. We talked a little about this and a little about that. It was bothering me that he seemed upset, so I asked him about it. He wasn't having the best of time. While the trip was a company "get together", the company wasn't offering any money to do anything. He could use his company card for necessities, but not for activities like going to a show or gambling...anything like that. Because of our budget and it not being planned for...he has no money to do anything. If he is not doing something with the group, then he was back at his hotel room; which is not one of luxury. Incredibly slow internet, small t.v., no fridge.... He was frustrated that the company insisted that they come out, but didn't think to include money for activities. Unlike the other guys, he's not getting an extra retirement checking coming in and we are living on a budget. Overall, I think he was feeling a little left out; as well as, frustrated that the company didn't think of such things.

Hearing him talk about how he was feeling made me feel even more guilty than before. He was having to deal with the constraints of the budget and feeling a bit left out too. He wasn't having the amazing vacation that I was picturing in my head. It did help put it more into prospect.

Looking back on my behavior, especially my thoughts, I am more embarrassed than ever. I am ashamed of my behavior and can't believe I was so childish. How could I find even the slightest bit of enjoyment out of my love's disappointment?! How awful jealousy can be. How terrible that I let it get the best of me.

I have made it to the point of being able to recognize it and do what I can to address it right away or deal with it after the fact. I love my husband...but I don't love my jealousy. I long to be rid of it. I know that it would be silly to believe that I will never feel a slight pang of jealousy again; but, if only a slight pang every now and again was all I felt...I would be embracing the difference. I look toward the future in hope of these feelings being long past...but until that time comes, I will be raging a war on it...winning some, losing some...but continuing regardless. The battle will be won and I will be victorious.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. (Romans 12:15)

Only Thursday

2010-01-18T11:15:00.001-05:00

My week is slowly, and I mean snail pace slowly, moving along. I can't believe that I am only on "Thursday" of my work week. Weeks like this drain me. Every fiber of my being is dry and cracked, however, I am encouraged. Yesterday the wind that blew through the windows of my patrol car were pleasant. The air smelled fresh and the rain only came sporadically. I prayed fiercely yesterday before work, asking God to show me His path and making the resolve to go to work and be the best officer that God made Jonique to be. I told myself that I was doing God's work and until He was ready for me to move on that I had to do my "chore" as best as possible. It did work. I had a sense of peace throughout the shift.

Today I sit with the same feelings of dread heavy on my heart. I am trying to comfort myself with the knowledge that soon my "weekend" will be here and that it will be 4 days, since I took two extra days off. I will pray and make the same resolve as yesterday. Setting out on my assignment once again.

I long for the call from the HR of pending applications to setup an interview, but until that happens...I will soldier on.

Monday Morning Pressures

2010-01-16T10:54:00.001-05:00

I have made the commitment to make this a year of change. I believe that I am doing a good work and each day I feel a bit better about myself and the journey that I have started. All the knowledge that I've been gaining about happiness has been eye opening; however, there is one thing that I find myself coming across daily. Happiness at work/in your career. Everyone talks about this and there have been several posts on the blogs I follow, as well as, KLove about people who really dislike their jobs and have found such happiness in quiting...either to start their own business or to pursue a life long dream. It is written everywhere that one important part of being happy is finding happiness in the things you do, to include your job.

And that's where I am at now. I am trying to make the necessary changes in my life and the biggest hurdle that I have is my job. My "Sundays" are full of anxiety about returning to work the following day. I spend the time before work dreading my departure. I can't imagine spending another 8 hours in a car, driving around, by myself. We hardly ever have partners...so it makes for a very long day. My weekends don't come soon enough, but even those aren't sacred. I often find myself going to court on those days. Just this past 3 day, I spend 2 of them in court.

I long for a Monday through Friday job with regular hours. I can't keep doing this constant changeover. Every two weeks going from days to evenings. It's reeking havoc on my body clock. The stress of the job is enough to worry about without the stress of going to work and changeover.

One night after a rather upsetting evening at work, I came home to find on the computer a few jobs that Rob had pulled up for me. Both Library Technician positions in the Norfolk area. Be still my heart. I applied to both even though they are requesting experience in Libraries and knowledge of that nature; however, I figured that there was nothing left to lose. It's been a week and I really am anxious to hear from either of them. One is with the National Defense University and the other is with USR. Since both companies are with the government, I like to tell myself that they will require at least two weeks to look through all the applications and go from there. With that mindset, it gives the companies about three to four weeks to setup an interview. It also gives me hope...day after day. For instance, today is a Saturday so I can safely say that I will not hear from anyone today or tomorrow. Then my anxiety goes away until Monday. :o)

I find that I pray daily for the Lord to open this door for me, letting me out of the grind that I am now in; however, I fear that I might not have finished whatever task He has me in this job for. Resulting in my prayers going unanswered at this time and me dragging myself to and from work for what feels like eternity. I want to let Him lead...but boy, oh boy, it is hard!

Pray that the Lord will have mercy on me and provide a new opportunity for me soon and for the strength for me to continue on this path until He does open another door.

01/01/10

2010-01-01T19:00:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year! Wow, I can’t believe it’s 2010. It seems like time is passing quicker than ever. My ten year high school reunion is this year, which really amazes me. I cannot believe that I graduated so long ago and yet I don’t feel old at all. Sometimes I find myself still thinking, acting, and feeling like a 22 year old.

I’ve often found it hard to “feel” like an adult. Here I am about to turn 28 in March and I have yet to think of myself as a career woman and still find myself stuck in the typical college wear. Poor Rob is constantly pushing for me to dress more like a woman, as he calls it, then a college student. I guess I have to admit, to myself more than anyone else, that I am stuck on campus. I’ve been afraid to move into adulthood and take control of my life and turn it into what I want it to be. But not anymore!

Today is the start of my journey of rediscovery that I’ve been working toward for the last few months. I am ready to get behind the wheel and take full control of my life…with God’s map…and hit the road of life with the top down and radio blasting.

A couple of days ago, I went through my closet and removed several items that I no longer wear and no longer need to wear…my husband was so supportive that he helped picking the items…lol. I replaced many of my t-shirts (not all of them…I love them too much) with more confidence, power, and grown up inducing apparel.

I’m still embracing my immature, college girl; however, that’s to learn and grown. Teach her new things and gradually become the adult that I know I can be, so I don’t feel like I’m faking it.

This is going to be a great year with amazing changes and growth for me. I know that there will be many struggles, but I know that they will be worth every learning experience that they bring with them. I pray that this is also a start to a happy and prosperous new year for my friends, family, and you, who are reading this. I am exciting about my journey and am so happy to be here…ready to change…ready to grow and learn…and most of all, ready to be happy…happy with my life and happy with me.

2009-12-30T11:06:00.001-05:00

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.” ~ Bob Moawad

What's this...Excitement?

2009-12-23T10:46:00.001-05:00

It has been so long since I have really been excited about life. When I think back, I can remember being excited about moving to Washington. Man, that was a great feeling...driving across country with just the cat and all the snow. It was beautiful and it was thrilling to be starting something new and so completely unknown. It was the beginning of something wonderful and something crazy. I was starting out on my own and beginning my adventure. At the time, I felt like it could only get better.

When we got the news that Rob got the job here in VA, it wasn't the same. It was exciting that he had a new job that was going to pay such good money and great benefits; however, the excitement and exhilaration that I felt packing up my Escape and heading west was not there.

I've never thought of living in Virginia. One thing that I had been taught about this state is that it was humid and I hate humid. I came from Oklahoma for goodness sake. When the humidity hits 30%, I'm dying...so a place where the humidity is at least 90% all the time was not appealing.

With the truck changes and so forth, it took us a week to move from one coast to the other. We arrived here and spent out first night on Ocean Naval Base. Rob went to work the next morning and left me to pack up the room including the cat back in the car and then go entertain myself until he got off. Upon getting to my vehicle, I notice that some jackass had bent my antenna. That was the beginning of loathing this place I know call home.

In the two years that we've lived here, I can't say that I've learned to love it...matter of fact, I've barely learned to tolerate it. 95% of the people are rude, self-centered, and terrible drivers. The traffic is atrocious every day and I find getting to work more stressful then work itself...and I'M A POLICE OFFICER. I deal with the stress of the lazy and crazy all the time...not to mention the possibility of death. That's saying something! Not to mention the terrible weather. It's hot and humid most of the time and it rains...they have hurricanes, Nor'easters, and tornados...wtf?!

Anyway, with the move here I've lost or let go of the excitement of life's possibilities. I wanted experience, so that I could finally move on to the career that I had pictured myself in since I was like 7. With that, I applied to the police academy. No, I've never wanted to be a cop, but it was the experience that I needed. I went through the academy less than half-heartedly. It was an accomplishment to graduate and it did feel good, but I can honestly say that I was not excited....and pretty much everyday since has been just another day at work. Just working toward something better. However, that something better was not sparking the excitement that I was lacking either.

In October, Rob and I talked about our future and where we wanted to go. It was at that time that we decided it was time to get the show on the road. Secret Service here I come! But wait, there was one thing in my way...my eyesight. I needed to be 20/60 uncorrected and I can tell you that I am nowhere near that. LASIK...law enforcement discount and done deal. Scheduled the surgery for the 28th of this month. Saved the $2900. We were ready to go...but why wasn't I happy?

During that time, Rob was traveling a lot for work and that's really when I started this blog. I wanted to find my happiness again and I've been working on it ever since. So why was the life long dream of becoming a federal agent no longer exciting to me? What was exciting to me? How had I lost all of my excitement?!

I started thinking about hobbies that I had and things I loved to do. I always came back to one thing...books. I love to read and I love libraries. Oh all the books and all the possibilities. You can be a pirate, princess, wizard, or time traveler all in one day, one place! But to be a librarian, you need a masters...crazy right. I started looking into it and I found so many disciplines within that one area of study. I went to the local library and spoke to one of librarians there. She told me about the Virginia Librarian Conference in Williamsburg...it was in October. Rob was home that weekend and I was off, so we headed up there to check it out. I spoke to Florida State and University of Texas about their programs and gathered up as much info as I could.

Then I felt it...but what was it...? The more I learned and researched, the more the feeling grew. It was my friend, EXCITEMENT! It had returned and with everyday it was growing.

Finally, I had to tell Rob. So last week, I asked Rob to check into a school for me and from there we just took off. I told him how law enforcement, even federal, wasn't doing it for me anymore and how for once in forever I was looking forward to something and truly excited about it. I informed him that I wanted to get my Masters in Library and Information Systems with a concentration in Archives. He was in totally agreement.

While I would love to get my eyes done...I'm over contacts and hate glasses...I agreed to cancel my LASIK. Man, it was at such a great cost...$2400 after rebate. But to move toward my new dreams, we still needed to pay off the debt and pay for the classes. I've decided to apply to University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee, which has a deadline of February 1, 2010 for the fall semester. Online, of course. I'm busy working on my applications, letters of recommendations, and taking the MAT...I'll worry about the GRE later. I only need one for the application and the MAT is so much easier. :o)

(Best part yet...with a new direction comes a possibility of a new location!)

Everything is moving fast, but it's filled with my old friend EXCITEMENT and I couldn't be happier. It looks like 2010 is shaping up to be all that I been looking for and that is something to exclaim! And I found it a library.

"Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning." Gloria Steinem

If you just listen...

2009-12-15T17:59:00.000-05:00

Amazing. That's all I can say. This morning I woke up and did my usual. After breakfast, I took my shower and decided that that would be the perfect time to spent talking with God. I've been trying to put a little God and I time into my days and I thought that the shower would be the perfect place. You're alone and you really don't have any distractions. At least, I don't...I could take a shower in my sleep.

So I spent my shower time conversing with the Big Guy and I told Him that I was listening and that I was waiting to hear from Him and I waited.... Then a thought popped into my head: I should go to the church. I've been needing to take my tithing in for some time and I've been telling myself to do it...but like normal, I've put it off. So I thought it was something that just crept in and was interrupting my listening time. I pushed it out of my mind and continued with my shower. I finished up and got dress, but the urge to go by the church kept coming up. That's when I figured it was probably God talking to me and I was definitely going to listen. I said out loud...okay, I'm going to the church. I asked Him to make sure that someone was there and to make me brave.

Now that's a weird request when you're on your way to church, right? Well, the thing is I haven't been attending regularly. I would imagine that it's been over 3 months since I last went. I have been active or a regular in a church, since I left Oklahoma. I attended one on and off in Tacoma and I just started going to this church at the beginning of this year. I feel very self-conscious, so I get a lot of anxiety. Why? Mostly because I feel like I'm way behind everyone there. I'm only a born-again Christian of 5 years...which to some would seem like a very long time...but I've been away from "my" church since 2007. So it really isn't that much experience and then not knowing anyone there is also stressful. Since I'm not the type of person to strike up a conversation with a stranger in an unfamiliar place, it takes me awhile to meet people. However, I have been setting aside money every month for tithing and have been meaning to go to a service to give it.

Anyway, I keep telling myself that I need to get back into church and start meeting people and it's one of the things that is one my list of things to do in 2010. It's a stop on my road to rediscovery!

So back to my day...I grabbed the money and walked out with the same feeling that I needed to go to the church. I decided that since the gas station was on the way, I'd fill up my car for tomorrow too. I stopped at the station, filled up, said a silent prayer, and headed the half of block to the church. There were several cars in the parking lot, so I knew that someone had to be there. I made it to the door and there was a sign that said "This door is locked. Please knock." I knocked my police knock...lol...and two people opened it. They were very welcoming and pointed me in the direction of the office.

I was given a tithing envelope and I filled it out, stuffed the cash in, and licked it close. I went to turn it in to the Pastor in the office and she was so friendly. She introduced herself as Katie. She is the pastor of women's ministry. We talked briefly about Rob's job and my attendance, then she said she wanted to give me something...so she went out into the hallway and pulled three services on CDs that she thought were just wonderful and she didn't want me to miss out. She gave them to me. Normally, you have to purchase them. Then she told me to give her a call every know and then, so that I can stay caught up. (With my work schedule, I can't make it to services when I'm on day shift.) She was so open and nice and it really made my day. I actually gave her a hug to show my gratitude. <= Not normal for me!

I am so grateful to have been there today and that I listened to what the Lord wanted me to do...it was good. :o)God is great! He does know what is best for us and what we really need and I really needed that encouragement. I told her that I would be in service on Sunday, so I must be there!

Oh a different note....Rob and I had a very productive conversation about the ex and there was no yelling or fighting or hurt feelings. Let me tell you, that doesn't happen. It was as if we were actually on the same page! I thanked the Lord a million times for that last night. Had He not been at work, I'm sure it would have been a huge failure. So Rob had heard what my friend was saying the other night and while some things had transpired yesterday morning that prompted the conversation, we were able to be open and honest with our thoughts and come up with a good solid plan to make everyone feel better. One win.

Validation!

2009-12-14T13:44:00.001-05:00

Wow...it was so good to hear those words leave her lips..."as a single parent you have to do what you have to do." (Ahhhh and the clouds open with a bright light)

Last night, Rob and I went to dinner with a friend of mine who is currently starting the divorce process. She has a little 3 yr old and I think she is the most adorable kid ever. It was a great time with yummy food and some tasty drinks. We spent the time talking about how things were going with her and the new apartment and so on. Through that conversation she said two statements that were music to my ears. The first one is that at 3 years old, Rachel, helps with the chores around the house. She helps pick up, do the dishes, and so on. Now of course she is only 3 so her helping is limited...but it was the mere thought that my friend believes that even at that young age she should learn to do the chores with picking up the house and taking the dishes to the kitchen. I have always believed that at the age of 2 a child should start to learn the importance of cleaning up after themselves by simply having them help pick up their toys with you. As they grow they can eventually do it by themselves. I'm of the mind that children need to be taught to take responsibility for themselves as they grow and develop, so that at the age of 18 they are capabily of caring for themselves when going off to college. I thought I was crazy for thinking that at such a young age it was okay to encourage the children to help around the house and as they get around 5 to give them actual chores that are their sole responsibility like feeding the cat. Age appropriate things, of course. It will build a strong work ethic, which so many people...especially young people...lack. It was wonderfully to hear an actual parent say that they do it.

The second statement was the one quoted in the beginning...as a single parent you have to do what you have to do. She's been taking part time work a couple times a week to make sure that the bills are covered and when she has Rachel, she spends quality time with her. While she would love to be able to stay at home and spend more time with her little girl, she knows that she has a bigger responsibility to that child to provide for her. With that said, she made the decision that with the time they spend together to make it quality. It's what I've always had in my mind with all the people that I know who are single parents. You have to do something. You cannot just wait around for someone else to do it for you.

Rob's ex-wife is not a doer. They have been divorced for 3 years and she is still living at home with her parents. She has been working on her degree since 2007 and yet she is nowhere close to finishing. At first she was just taking one class at a time and until the beginning of 2009 it stayed that way. She finally started taking two classes. The woman does nothing else. She lives at home with no job. She lives off of her dad and Rob's child support. You would think that given the situation...the children are sharing a room, she's 31...that she would be working her butt off and doing whatever she could to make changes; however, that is clearly not the case. Personally, I would go mad living at home with my parents at the age and I would like to believe that I would be doing what I could and taking every advantage available to me to do it with. Rob and I are even providing her with the perfect opportunity to get ahead. When they divorced, we ended up with all of their debt. Rob wanted to give her a chance and didn't want them to have to struggle. So she was debt free and living at home free of charge...what else could a new single mom ask for? It was the perfect setup to move forward. Her parents changed their schedules to help with the kids and help financially and yet here we sit 3 years later and no closer to anything.

It's so frustrating to see someone with no determination and no ambition. Especially someone with two small children.

I was hoping that Rob heard what my friend was saying. That he was listening to a fellow parent in a situation much worse than that of his ex and how she was determined to do what she needed to do; as well as, the fact that children as young as 3 can help out. I have always felt like I was being ridiculed at saying such things and he would often say that I didn't understand because I didn't have children of my own. Well, vindication is mine!

While I know that neither I nor Rob have any real say in the way that his ex lives her life and the everyday activities of the children, I hope that it will give Rob courage to push his children to take more responsibility for themselves and that when the opportunity presents itself...again...to encourage the ex to put some effort forward. If not for herself, but for those children that she claims she makes every decision for.

2009-12-12T11:23:00.000-05:00

Whew! Time is passing far to quickly. Only 13 days until Christmas and I still need to send out Christmas cards, finish decorating the tree, and actually go shopping! I'm not sure what it is, but this Christmas season has been missing some of the magic that I normally feel. Often times I have the tree up and done the weekend after Thanksgiving and a good idea of presents and so on; however, this year I just haven't felt very "Christmasy". It could be for a hundred different reasons; however, I am hopefully that once Rob and I finish the tree and gifts are starting to be purchased and wrapped the normal excitement will return.

So the other day, I went and purchased what I thought would be the entire Christmas Story and Sanctuary. I was so surprised the the whole setup was only $79.99. So I walked up to the clerk and said, "do you still have that?'" and pointed to the display. The clerk walked to the back and brings out this large box. She checks everything, I verify the price, pay, and off I go. I was so excited to get it home and set it up. Because of our budget, we have very few Christmas decorations. I have to use my imagination most of the time. I was sooooo happy to find it at such a bargain that I used my own money that I've been saving up. When I get home and finally get the thing out of the box, I notice that there are no people. I checked the box again, read the sides and the flier that was included...apparently, it really was just the sanctuary! I was upset because the lady forget to give me the people! What was I going to do with only a stable and no people!! So I get back into the car and drive back to Hallmark. I reread the sign and there it is...it's $79.99 each! Ugh! How did I miss that and why would the clerk think I would just what the sanctuary?! Since I never clarified what exactly I wanted and she never asked, I left with an $80 stable. *sigh*

Because I was so sure that she had made a mistake, I hadn't brought the sanctuary with me to exchange or return. Therefore, I had to drove back to the house and repack it. Granted most of the styrofoam was destroyed during the fight to get it out of the box. I used tape and reconnected each part and finally put it back in the box. It was late by this time, so I put it next to the couch so I could return in the next day. Well, it's still sitting behind the couch 6 days later. I read the receipt and am a little worried about being about to return it. It reads no returns on sale items and all seasonal items are final. While it is a seasonal item, they have had it in their story since as far back as July that I can remember and it's been marked down to $79.99 for several months as well. I'm really hoping for some luck here or maybe if I just get story credit I'll be able to exchange it for the smaller Willow Tree nativity scene. I'm hoping to get an answer sometime today.

Last night was Rob's company Christmas party. It was the second annual party that is given by his boss' wife at their house. I love going over there and Bob & Christine are amazing. Both Rob and I had a great time. Since it's a smaller company branch, you get to know everyone very quickly. We all talked and played some Rock Band. Christine made the best Sangria I have ever had! I'm going to need to get that recipe! I only had a little time to take pictures, but I've included them anyway.

One of my crafty and cheap Christmas Decorations

The mantel

Me before leaving for the party

Trying to get a good picture of the two of us

Everyone hanging out and the yummy Sangria

Charity and Austin

Saturday Nothings

2009-12-06T17:50:00.000-05:00

With the year end right around the corner, I've been giving a lot of thought to the new year. This year has been such a weight on me and I'm finally feeling like I can breathe again. I have this determination that I've never had before and I love it!

I'm determined to make 2010 a year of purpose, achievement, and most of all...discovery. Slowly a bucket list for the year has been developing. Right now it's short, but I'm trying to add something to it everyday. By December 31st, I should have a pretty decent list going. This will be a first for me and I'm looking forward to it.

I'll be setting up everything for Christmas tomorrow. It is so unlike me to have waiting this long; however, with the family in town over the Thanksgiving holiday I had so much more to do. While Rob and I on our budget, we don't have much to decorate with yet but I manage. I can't wait until we can put more money toward the holidays. I'm going to go nuts...and it's going to be fabulous!

Yet again, I will be working both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It's good money; but I love the idea of getting to be with family instead. Melodie is having a big Christmas dinner with the whole family and we're going to miss it. That is one of the things about living here that I dislike the most. I'm so far from family. I never would have thought that I would miss the family get together's so much. I'm looking forward to the time when I'm in a job where working holidays isn't even thought of and we're in a position to attend no matter where we are living. The Lord has definitely shown me through this move how important my family and friends truly are.

2009...

2009-12-03T17:36:00.001-05:00

This year seems to have passed quickly. I've never been one to wait for a year to pass...months maybe...but never for the whole year. With it coming to an end though, I've been thinking about all that has happened or didn't.

This year Rob and I made the decision that we were going to do whatever (legal) possible to get out of debt. We were both tired of the paycheck to paycheck thing and I, personally, have always hated debt. The younger me was determined to have money and be able to travel and buy all the best gifts on birthdays and never have to worried about bill collectors. None of this is because I imagined being rich...or famous for that matter. It was just because the last thing I ever wanted was to be like my parents. Yet, here I am with a crap load of debt. Mind you, over a third of it was not mine to begin with. It has slowly been puffing out my dreams, so when Jennifer (MIL) gave us the book Total Money Makeover I was willing to try anything. I started that book and had it finished in two days! It was just what I needed and I pushed Rob it read it and by the end of February we were both committed. We haven't looked back!! We managed to pay for our entire wedding with cash and will have another credit card paid off by the end of January.

This year we were also married. After 3.5 years of living together and playing house, we said "I do." It was a beautiful wedding. The scenery was amazing, the photographers extraordinary, and guests...loved. I had my old girl scout leader/second mom marry me and my father give me away. He cried most of the time!! I think the absolute best part of the whole thing was getting to have my most cherished people there with me. I enjoyed getting to hangout with my friends from Oklahoma, as well as make new friends with wives...love you Erin! It was a picture perfect memory.

This year was also my first year on the streets of Norfolk as a police officer. I spent the entire year battling evil. Ha ha...and have learned some things about myself that I never would have.

This year hasn't been easy, but it has been educational. There was something missing and it's taken until recently to figure out what it was. It was me. It was the me that laughed at all things and didn't get stressed out. It taught me that I had lost myself during these last three and a half years. Similarly, I can recall so many times throughout the year that I had no direction and couldn't figure out what I wanted. I had no passion. I have no passion. I learned that I don't have a real passion for anything. I've never been so fascinated with something that I studied it, well, besides psychology. The only real hobby I have is reading...which I do love! I learned that I don't laugh as much. I learned that I'm angry and hurt. Mostly, I've learned that I'm unhappy with whom I've been/become. And it's amazing! It's such an empowering feelings to realize something of that magnitude and know that it doesn't have to be that way and it can change.

So for the last few months I have started taking steps to find the me that I've lost and not only reconnect with that person, but make her better! I'm impatient and selfish, but I want to change that. I don't express kindness to the people I care for outwardly like I want to...like I should. BUT I can change that. I can change all of that and that's what I am going to make 2010. My year of change and growth. I'm going to shed this fur coat and be all shiny and new...but like everyone knows, it will take brushing and brushing and more brushing. It's going to be uncomfortable, scary, and hard...but it's going to happen. "For the Lord did not give [me] a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 <= Life verse...thanks Kellie for the idea. ;o)

One of the blogs that I started following had the following questions posted as a question: Can 2010 be better than 2009? The author, Tess, was using the questions to help us change how we experience 2010. (Her words...not mine.) It made me think and thus this blog. I've included the questions and my answers.

What was the most important thing you've learned in 2009?
- The most important thing that I've learned this year is that I'm unhappy.

What did you absolutely love about 2009?
- I love that this year Rob and I started our road to freedom by developing a solid budget and doing a total money makeover.

What do I want to do more of that I didn't do enough of in 2009?
- Laugh

What did I do in 2009 that I'll never do again?
- Apologize for being me

A Tribute to Those Who Wear the Shield

2009-12-01T20:22:00.001-05:00

Dear Family, Friends and Fellow Colleagues,

Prior to November 29, the number of officers lost in the line of duty across this country stood at 107. One hundred and seven officers had given their lives in sacrifice so that others may sleep safely and securely in their beds each night. Today that number stands at 111. Some departments have been hit particularly hard, losing multiple officers. Any single officer lost is a tragedy that spreads grief throughout the ranks. Losing additional officers multiplies that grief many more times than the number lost. On November 29th, it happened again. We lost four heroes from one department in the span of mere seconds. Four brave officers who donned their shields every day to serve and protect their citizens. They rose each day and put on their uniforms. They put on their belts, their guns, their equipment, and their shields. They looked in the mirror before they left for duty to straighten this or shine that. They were four representatives of every law enforcement officer across the nation and they had to look their best. They were cops and that means something...something important.

Every officer knows the risks. They know each day when they pick up that shield that it could be the day they won't come home. Their families know the risks. The sorrow, grief, and enormity of their loss cannot be tempered by that knowledge. There are four more families in Washington tonight who know that sorrow, that grief, and what the enormity of that loss feels like; four families whose loved one did not come home that night because they were taken away. There are four friends who cannot be called on the phone to share a laugh. There are four co-workers who won't be there to back up their fellow officers, give them a pat on the back when they do good, or a nudge in the right direction when they do not so good. There are four guardian angels who gave their all for a city that depended on them. They were four of Lakewood Police Department's finest who were out on the streets every day, always putting their lives on the line, putting themselves between danger and those they protected. And now they're gone; senselessly slaughtered.

They gave their lives to the service of others and that service will never be forgotten. They will never be forgotten. There are no explanations. No amount of words can explain why this happened. We can only take solace in the fact that we know they were welcomed to Heaven by friendly smiles and warm handshakes of the brothers and sisters who have gone before them. We can take comfort in knowing that now they will patrol those golden streets on angel wings and nothing like this can happen to them there. They are safe now.

All four officers had been with the department for five years since its inception, and each one of them was a parent. Sergeant Mark Renninger was 39 years old and had 13 years of law enforcement experience. He is survived by his wife and three children. Officer Ronald Owen was 37 years old. He had a total of 12 years of law enforcement experience and he left behind his daughter. Officer Tina Griswold was 40 years old. She is survied by her husband and two children after a total of 14 years in law enforcement. Officer Greg Richards was 42 years old and had a total of 8 years of law enforcement experience. Among those mourning his loss are his wife and three children.

The staff of "The Shield" would like to express our most heartfelt condolences. Our thoughts and prayers are with these brave officers' families, their friends, their fellow officers, and their brothers and sisters in uniform across the State of Washington and the nation. We grieve with you and pray that God will hold you now in the palm of His hand and comfort you in your grief as only He can do.

May God Bless you and your families and our fallen brothers and sister of Washington.

Warm regards,

John A. Pasko
Founder/Chief Executive Officer

"POLICEMAN'S PRAYER"

When I start my tour of duty God,

Wherever crime may be,

as I walk the darkened streets alone,

Let me be close to thee.

Please give me understanding with both the young and old.

Let me listen with attention until their story's told.

Let me never make a judgment in a rash or callous way,

but let me hold my patience let each man have his say.

Lord if some dark and dreary night,

I must give my life,

Lord, with your everlasting love

protect my children and my wife.

A Police Officer's Prayer

Oh Lord, while I'm on my beat

May I know that you're with me,

And protect me as I go to guard

Other's lives and property.

Help me ignore those who scorn

And show me no respect,

But be mindful of all citizens

I've sworn to protect.

Be with my fellow officers

And guard their safety too.

May I always put duty first

In the work that I must do.

May I not disgrace the uniform

But bring pride to the badge I wear.

That I'd be a good policeman, Lord

Would be my only prayer.

Amen

Thanksgiving 09

2009-11-30T14:27:00.001-05:00

So today concludes my Thanksgiving break...5 days off feels so great and it's depressing to have it end.

My new in-laws drove up from Georgia to spend the holiday with us. I always love having them around. Jennifer, my [step]mother-in-law, is such a blessing. Being a stepmom too, she understands my frustrations and is so willing to let me vent about the ex and the situation. She is also so much fun to have around and just to chat with. I think that's what I miss most about not being in Oklahoma anymore. I miss just hanging out with the girls and talking about nothing. While I tell myself that I need to give my girls a call, I often don't. So it's great when I get to spend time with Jennifer.

Bob's, father-in-law, company is good for Rob too. They think so much alike and have similar interests. Rob, I think, really misses having good friends around also. Having his dad here gives him the opportunity to debate and discuss things that I have little knowledge and interest in.

Then there is Becky, my sister-in-law. LOL! She is actually more like my younger sister than anything else. She just turned 19 and started college. She is the typical teenager and even though we don't speak often (she's usually online, listening to her iPod, and watching tv) I think as she continues to grow up, we are going to be good friends and I look forward to that.

I am so thankful that of all the things that couples fight about, family is not going to be one of them for Rob and I. I adore his parents...including his bio mom.

During their stay, Bob and Rob fixed the fence and siding that was damaged during the Nor'easter that came through on the 15th of November. Rob enjoys working on projects like that with his dad and it's good male bonding time. Jennifer and I cooked the turkey and...well...pretty much the entire Thanksgiving dinner. Rob did make mashed potatoes. :o) After dinner, everyone sat down to play the Ultimate game of Monopoly. Rob and Becky love playing and always have this competition thing going on. Who will beat who and whatever. I'm not a big conquerer of things, so that game isn't fun for me...unless I'm just paying with someone who doesn't play to dominate everyone else. Granted that is the game, but that's not fun. :o)

Black Friday had Jennifer, Becky, and Rob out of the house at 0320. I was not willing to get up and go shopping that early in the morning. It's not fun for me, so I slept in and spend the morning with Bob. After hitting like 6 stores, they finally came home around noon. Boy, there were bags everywhere! And of course, they were all exhausted, especially Becky...who didn't go to sleep the night before.

Other than that, the rest of the time was spent eating leftovers and hanging out. Their last night here we went to the Botanical Gardens to see the lights and sat out on the porch with the fire going to share stories. S'mores were attempted, however, it was so cold out that the chocolate was like a rock! I believe we all had two and called it good. The around 2300 we were all hungry for something other than turkey, therefore, we ordered some pizza.

They ended up leaving around 0430 on Sunday, which I missed because I was sound asleep and they didn't wake us. Instead they left a note. Either way, it was a wonderful holiday and great company. I am sad that they are gone and that they live so far away as I'm sure Rob is too. The house feels much emptier without them. Who knows, maybe one day soon we'll pack up and move closer...closer to them or closer to my family...closer to someone.

Oh, one thing I did forget to say is that on Saturday night Jack bit Rob. Jack, the cat, is always stressed out when we have company especially when Bob & them bring their dog, Belle. He was on edge the whole trip and on Saturday night while he was sleeping, Rob decided to pet him. That's not unusual and normally Jack is good to go. This time, he was so scared that he bit Rob's hand. He was literally hanging from his hand. Cat bites are dangerous because of the saliva, so Rob soaked it in Alcohol and Peroxide. He bandaged it and headed to the urgent care facility Sunday morning. He had to get a T shot and is on an antibiotic. He'll need to go back tomorrow for a check up. It's imperative that he keeps it clean and watches for infection. Luckily, Jack is an indoor cat and comes in contact with no other animals. There is no chance of rabies or anything like that. I'm just glad that it was Rob and not Becky or something. Rob knows Jack and knows that it was out of fear...whereas, Becky doesn't know him and might develop a fear of him. Everyone is good though...so it's a-okay!

Coat of many colors...

2009-11-29T15:42:00.000-05:00

I am a newlywed...a wife. While I've been with my now husband for 3.5 years this January, I have only carried the title...or patch if you will...of Mrs for 2 short months. I'm growing accustom to my new last name and calling him husband opposed to fiancé. Furthermore, we have lived together for nearly the entire relationship, so there is not much different in our daily lives. However there was a huge change. The biggest and most stressful part of our union is another "patch" that was tacked on the minute I said "I do". I am now a new STEPMOM to two young children, Adrianna (7 yrs old) and Gabe (4 yrs old).

Going back to the beginning of my relationship with Rob, I had no idea he had children...let alone that he was married. Had I know about them, I can say that I would not have given him a second thought, which is part of the reason he chose not to tell me. Once I did find out, I had serious reservations, but let my heart win out. I loved him...well, love.

I could easily say that I am not a kid person. I've always liked my space and I really dislike whining. However, I don't detest children as a whole. Just like with adults, I find children that I adore. I've always been the type of person that as soon as I meet you, I either like you or I don't and that goes for both children and adults. So I can meet two children at the same time and like one and not the other. For instance, a fellow officer has a little girl, Rachel, and I absolutely love her. She is the cutest little thing and when I look at her I just smile all over.

So when Rob finally got around to telling me that he had children...not one, but two...I was devastated. Of course, there is so much more to that story. He knew that I wasn't a kid person, but he was positive that I would absolutely love his. They are smart and kind and polite and well-mannered. Pretty much the same spiel that you would get from any other loving parent. I have yet to hear someone say that their children are horrid little beasts. I, of course, was skeptical for more reasons than one. With the kids also comes a mom....but that is for another day.

After two years of being together, I finally met them and like with every situation there is good and bad. His children were attractive, mannered children like he had stated; however, that did not change my first meeting selection process. I found that I did not particularly care much for his daughter, but I was good with his son. I've labored over this for quite some time...is it because his daughter is a mirror image of her mother and his son, him? Is it because his daughter was all over him the whole time and constantly daddy this and daddy that? Or is it just my behavioral pattern? I find that it is probably a little of each...plus some.

Rob and I find his children and ex-wife to be the biggest and nastiest war zone in our coupling. It's near impossible to explain to your spouse, or anyone for that matter, what it is like having to share your partner with children that are not part of you. To share them with another woman and know that they have a bond that even you don't share. Through all the different situations that have arisen and fights fought, I've come to somewhat resent their existence in my relationship. What they represent both past and present.

I find myself miserable when trying to riffle through all the thoughts in my head. The logical vs. the emotional is a constant conflict. I can continuously tell myself that they are children and are not out to destroy my marriage or my life and give several intelligent reasons why that is true. But my emotions still flare up with hurt, loneliness, anger, and jealousy. This battle has left me drained, unhappy, and dreading the future. The battle has slowly, but severely, chipped away at me...at my affection for my husband...and at our overall relationship. His inability to understand where I'm coming from and mine to accept the inevitable.

Now with this new journey of mine, I have decided that the best policy is to be honest with my feelings about the situation, as well as, to gain as much insight as possible.

Over the last year and a half, I've spent more time with them and have grown to accept his son's presence much quicker than his daughter's. I've read a couple of books about stepmothering and searched the internet to find answers and most recently started finding blogs for stepfamilies and specifically for stepmothers. I need support to grow and mature in this new patch that has been sown onto my coat. I need a place with people that I can vent to without worrying about what kind of person they think I am...someone outside of my relationship and the children. While I have my friends, who I know will let me vent, I need people who have been in my shoes and understand my feelings. Through all the reading and research, I've come to realize that it's okay if I don't like them right away...or ever...we just have to show respect for each other and treat each other well. While I am not willing to give up on any positive relationship with my stepdaughter, I am okay with what it is and where is it for now.

And now it starts again...

2009-11-28T17:24:00.001-05:00

So I finally finished bringing my old blog from xanga over here. There was no way to import it, since xanga uses RSS and only for the last few entries. I had to copy and paste everything to a word document and then transfer it in to an entry. Then I went through and reformatted everything. It still didn't turn out exactly right, but it will do.

I was surprised at the feeling of accomplishment that I had once I finished it though. It was as if the writer's block that I had was removed once I put all that here. I was able to go back and read all those old posts to see how I used to put things into words. It provided me the opportunity to reconnect with some of those feelings; mostly, the feeling of friendship. Those two years were rollercoasters, but I always had good friends to share them with. They were always there to brighten my day by laughing at whatever hardship I was having and to enjoy the good times. I miss that. I miss my friends and everything they each offered into my life.

So in the spirit of thanks...I thank each and everyone of you, my friends, for the many gifts your friendship have giving me. From dancing at Scooters, cherry bombs at Gerts, tattoos, Applebees, shells & cheese to road trips, photos, church and relationship talk...thank you. You are all in my heart and I treasure every memory.