Whew! Time is passing far to quickly. Only 13 days until Christmas and I still need to send out Christmas cards, finish decorating the tree, and actually go shopping! I'm not sure what it is, but this Christmas season has been missing some of the magic that I normally feel. Often times I have the tree up and done the weekend after Thanksgiving and a good idea of presents and so on; however, this year I just haven't felt very "Christmasy". It could be for a hundred different reasons; however, I am hopefully that once Rob and I finish the tree and gifts are starting to be purchased and wrapped the normal excitement will return.

So the other day, I went and purchased what I thought would be the entire Christmas Story and Sanctuary. I was so surprised the the whole setup was only $79.99. So I walked up to the clerk and said, "do you still have that?'" and pointed to the display. The clerk walked to the back and brings out this large box. She checks everything, I verify the price, pay, and off I go. I was so excited to get it home and set it up. Because of our budget, we have very few Christmas decorations. I have to use my imagination most of the time. I was sooooo happy to find it at such a bargain that I used my own money that I've been saving up. When I get home and finally get the thing out of the box, I notice that there are no people. I checked the box again, read the sides and the flier that was included...apparently, it really was just the sanctuary! I was upset because the lady forget to give me the people! What was I going to do with only a stable and no people!! So I get back into the car and drive back to Hallmark. I reread the sign and there it is...it's $79.99 each! Ugh! How did I miss that and why would the clerk think I would just what the sanctuary?! Since I never clarified what exactly I wanted and she never asked, I left with an $80 stable. *sigh*

Because I was so sure that she had made a mistake, I hadn't brought the sanctuary with me to exchange or return. Therefore, I had to drove back to the house and repack it. Granted most of the styrofoam was destroyed during the fight to get it out of the box. I used tape and reconnected each part and finally put it back in the box. It was late by this time, so I put it next to the couch so I could return in the next day. Well, it's still sitting behind the couch 6 days later. I read the receipt and am a little worried about being about to return it. It reads no returns on sale items and all seasonal items are final. While it is a seasonal item, they have had it in their story since as far back as July that I can remember and it's been marked down to $79.99 for several months as well. I'm really hoping for some luck here or maybe if I just get story credit I'll be able to exchange it for the smaller Willow Tree nativity scene. I'm hoping to get an answer sometime today.

Last night was Rob's company Christmas party. It was the second annual party that is given by his boss' wife at their house. I love going over there and Bob & Christine are amazing. Both Rob and I had a great time. Since it's a smaller company branch, you get to know everyone very quickly. We all talked and played some Rock Band. Christine made the best Sangria I have ever had! I'm going to need to get that recipe! I only had a little time to take pictures, but I've included them anyway.

One of my crafty and cheap Christmas Decorations

The mantel

Me before leaving for the party

Trying to get a good picture of the two of us

Everyone hanging out and the yummy Sangria

Charity and Austin

Saturday Nothings

With the year end right around the corner, I've been giving a lot of thought to the new year. This year has been such a weight on me and I'm finally feeling like I can breathe again. I have this determination that I've never had before and I love it!

I'm determined to make 2010 a year of purpose, achievement, and most of all...discovery. Slowly a bucket list for the year has been developing. Right now it's short, but I'm trying to add something to it everyday. By December 31st, I should have a pretty decent list going. This will be a first for me and I'm looking forward to it.

I'll be setting up everything for Christmas tomorrow. It is so unlike me to have waiting this long; however, with the family in town over the Thanksgiving holiday I had so much more to do. While Rob and I on our budget, we don't have much to decorate with yet but I manage. I can't wait until we can put more money toward the holidays. I'm going to go nuts...and it's going to be fabulous!

Yet again, I will be working both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It's good money; but I love the idea of getting to be with family instead. Melodie is having a big Christmas dinner with the whole family and we're going to miss it. That is one of the things about living here that I dislike the most. I'm so far from family. I never would have thought that I would miss the family get together's so much. I'm looking forward to the time when I'm in a job where  working holidays isn't even thought of and we're in a position to attend no matter where we are living. The Lord has definitely shown me through this move how important my family and friends truly are.

2009...

This year seems to have passed quickly. I've never been one to wait for a year to pass...months maybe...but never for the whole year. With it coming to an end though, I've been thinking about all that has happened or didn't.

This year Rob and I made the decision that we were going to do whatever (legal) possible to get out of debt. We were both tired of the paycheck to paycheck thing and I, personally, have always hated debt. The younger me was determined to have money and be able to travel and buy all the best gifts on birthdays and never have to worried about bill collectors. None of this is because I imagined being rich...or famous for that matter. It was just because the last thing I ever wanted was to be like my parents. Yet, here I am with a crap load of debt. Mind you, over a third of it was not mine to begin with. It has slowly been puffing out my dreams, so when Jennifer (MIL) gave us the book Total Money Makeover I was willing to try anything. I started that book and had it finished in two days! It was just what I needed and I pushed Rob it read it and by the end of February we were both committed. We haven't looked back!! We managed to pay for our entire wedding with cash and will have another credit card paid off by the end of January.


This year we were also married. After 3.5 years of living together and playing house, we said "I do." It was a beautiful wedding. The scenery was amazing, the photographers extraordinary, and guests...loved. I had my old girl scout leader/second mom marry me and my father give me away. He cried most of the time!! I think the absolute best part of the whole thing was getting to have my most cherished people there with me. I enjoyed getting to hangout with my friends from Oklahoma, as well as make new friends with wives...love you  Erin! It was a picture perfect memory.


This year was also my first year on the streets of Norfolk as a police officer. I spent the entire year battling evil. Ha ha...and have learned some things about myself that I never would have. 


This year hasn't been easy, but it has been educational. There was something missing and it's taken until recently to figure out what it was. It was me. It was the me that laughed at all things and didn't get stressed out. It taught me that I had lost myself during these last three and a half years. Similarly, I can recall so many times throughout the year that I had no direction and couldn't figure out what I wanted. I had no passion. I have no passion. I learned that I don't have a real passion for anything. I've never been so fascinated with something that I studied it, well, besides psychology. The only real hobby I have is reading...which I do love! I learned that I don't laugh as much. I learned that I'm angry and hurt. Mostly, I've learned that I'm unhappy with whom I've been/become. And it's amazing! It's such an empowering feelings to realize something of that magnitude and know that it doesn't have to be that way and it can change.


So for the last few months I have started taking steps to find the me that I've lost and not only reconnect with that person, but make her better! I'm impatient and selfish, but I want to change that. I don't express kindness to the people I care for outwardly like I want to...like I should. BUT I can change that. I can change all of that and that's what I am going to make 2010. My year of change and growth. I'm going to shed this fur coat and be all shiny and new...but like everyone knows, it will take brushing and brushing and more brushing. It's going to be uncomfortable, scary, and hard...but it's going to happen. "For the Lord did not give [me] a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 <= Life verse...thanks Kellie for the idea. ;o) 


 One of the blogs that I started following had the following questions posted as a question: Can 2010 be better than 2009? The author, Tess, was using the questions to help us change how we experience 2010. (Her words...not mine.) It made me think and thus this blog. I've included the questions and my answers.


What was the most important thing you've learned in 2009?
- The most important thing that I've learned this year is that I'm unhappy. 


What did you absolutely love about 2009?
- I love that this year Rob and I started our road to freedom by developing a solid budget and doing a total money makeover.


What do I want to do more of that I didn't do enough of in 2009?
- Laugh


What did I do in 2009 that I'll never do again?
- Apologize for being me

A Tribute to Those Who Wear the Shield

Dear Family, Friends and Fellow Colleagues,


Prior to November 29, the number of officers lost in the line of duty across this country stood at 107. One hundred and seven officers had given their lives in sacrifice so that others may sleep safely and securely in their beds each night. Today that number stands at 111. Some departments have been hit particularly hard, losing multiple officers. Any single officer lost is a tragedy that spreads grief throughout the ranks. Losing additional officers multiplies that grief many more times than the number lost. On November 29th, it happened again. We lost four heroes from one department in the span of mere seconds. Four brave officers who donned their shields every day to serve and protect their citizens. They rose each day and put on their uniforms. They put on their belts, their guns, their equipment, and their shields. They looked in the mirror before they left for duty to straighten this or shine that. They were four representatives of every law enforcement officer across the nation and they had to look their best. They were cops and that means something...something important.

Every officer knows the risks. They know each day when they pick up that shield that it could be the day they won't come home. Their families know the risks. The sorrow, grief, and enormity of their loss cannot be tempered by that knowledge. There are four more families in Washington tonight who know that sorrow, that grief, and what the enormity of that loss feels like; four families whose loved one did not come home that night because they were taken away. There are four friends who cannot be called on the phone to share a laugh. There are four co-workers who won't be there to back up their fellow officers, give them a pat on the back when they do good, or a nudge in the right direction when they do not so good. There are four guardian angels who gave their all for a city that depended on them. They were four of Lakewood Police Department's finest who were out on the streets every day, always putting their lives on the line, putting themselves between danger and those they protected. And now they're gone; senselessly slaughtered.

They gave their lives to the service of others and that service will never be forgotten. They will never be forgotten. There are no explanations. No amount of words can explain why this happened. We can only take solace in the fact that we know they were welcomed to Heaven by friendly smiles and warm handshakes of the brothers and sisters who have gone before them. We can take comfort in knowing that now they will patrol those golden streets on angel wings and nothing like this can happen to them there. They are safe now.

All four officers had been with the department for five years since its inception, and each one of them was a parent. Sergeant Mark Renninger was 39 years old and had 13 years of law enforcement experience. He is survived by his wife and three children. Officer Ronald Owen was 37 years old. He had a total of 12 years of law enforcement experience and he left behind his daughter. Officer Tina Griswold was 40 years old. She is survied by her husband and two children after a total of 14 years in law enforcement. Officer Greg Richards was 42 years old and had a total of 8 years of law enforcement experience. Among those mourning his loss are his wife and three children.

The staff of "The Shield" would like to express our most heartfelt condolences. Our thoughts and prayers are with these brave officers' families, their friends, their fellow officers, and their brothers and sisters in uniform across the State of Washington and the nation. We grieve with you and pray that God will hold you now in the palm of His hand and comfort you in your grief as only He can do.

May God Bless you and your families and our fallen brothers and sister of Washington.


Warm regards,

John A. Pasko
Founder/Chief Executive Officer

"POLICEMAN'S PRAYER"

When I start my tour of duty God,

Wherever crime may be,

as I walk the darkened streets alone,

Let me be close to thee.

Please give me understanding with both the young and old.

Let me listen with attention until their story's told.

Let me never make a judgment in a rash or callous way,

but let me hold my patience let each man have his say.

Lord if some dark and dreary night,

I must give my life,

Lord, with your everlasting love

protect my children and my wife.

A Police Officer's Prayer

Oh Lord, while I'm on my beat

May I know that you're with me,

And protect me as I go to guard

Other's lives and property.

Help me ignore those who scorn

And show me no respect,

But be mindful of all citizens

I've sworn to protect.

Be with my fellow officers

And guard their safety too.

May I always put duty first

In the work that I must do.

May I not disgrace the uniform

But bring pride to the badge I wear.

That I'd be a good policeman, Lord

Would be my only prayer.

Amen

Thanksgiving 09

So today concludes my Thanksgiving break...5 days off feels so great and it's depressing to have it end.

My new in-laws drove up from Georgia to spend the holiday with us. I always love having them around. Jennifer, my [step]mother-in-law, is such a blessing. Being a stepmom too, she understands my frustrations and is so willing to let me vent about the ex and the situation. She is also so much fun to have around and just to chat with. I think that's what I miss most about not being in Oklahoma anymore. I miss just hanging out with the girls and talking about nothing. While I tell myself that I need to give my girls a call, I often don't. So it's great when I get to spend time with Jennifer.

Bob's, father-in-law, company is good for Rob too. They think so much alike and have similar interests. Rob, I think, really misses having good friends around also. Having his dad here gives him the opportunity to debate and discuss things that I have little knowledge and interest in.

Then there is Becky, my sister-in-law. LOL! She is actually more like my younger sister than anything else. She just turned 19 and started college. She is the typical teenager and even though we don't speak often (she's usually online, listening to her iPod, and watching tv) I think as she continues to grow up, we are going to be good friends and I look forward to that.

I am so thankful that of all the things that couples fight about, family is not going to be one of them for Rob and I. I adore his parents...including his bio mom.

During their stay, Bob and Rob fixed the fence and siding that was damaged during the Nor'easter that came through on the 15th of November. Rob enjoys working on projects like that with his dad and it's good male bonding time. Jennifer and I cooked the turkey and...well...pretty much the entire Thanksgiving dinner. Rob did make mashed potatoes. :o) After dinner, everyone sat down to play the Ultimate game of Monopoly. Rob and Becky love playing and always have this competition thing going on. Who will beat who and whatever. I'm not a big conquerer of things, so that game isn't fun for me...unless I'm just paying with someone who doesn't play to dominate everyone else. Granted that is the game, but that's not fun. :o)

Black Friday had Jennifer, Becky, and Rob out of the house at 0320. I was not willing to get up and go shopping that early in the morning. It's not fun for me, so I slept in and spend the morning with Bob. After hitting like 6 stores, they finally came home around noon. Boy, there were bags everywhere! And of course, they were all exhausted, especially Becky...who didn't go to sleep the night before.

Other than that, the rest of the time was spent eating leftovers and hanging out. Their last night here we went to the Botanical Gardens to see the lights and sat out on the porch with the fire going to share stories. S'mores were attempted, however, it was so cold out that the chocolate was like a rock! I believe we all had two and called it good. The around 2300 we were all hungry for something other than turkey, therefore, we ordered some pizza.

They ended up leaving around 0430 on Sunday, which I missed because I was sound asleep and they didn't wake us. Instead they left a note. Either way, it was a wonderful holiday and great company. I am sad that they are gone and that they live so far away as I'm sure Rob is too. The house feels much emptier without them. Who knows, maybe one day soon we'll pack up and move closer...closer to them or closer to my family...closer to someone.

Oh, one thing I did forget to say is that on Saturday night Jack bit Rob. Jack, the cat, is always stressed out when we have company especially when Bob & them bring their dog, Belle. He was on edge the whole trip and on Saturday night while he was sleeping, Rob decided to pet him. That's not unusual and normally Jack is good to go. This time, he was so scared that he bit Rob's hand. He was literally hanging from his hand. Cat bites are dangerous because of the saliva, so Rob soaked it in Alcohol and Peroxide. He bandaged it and headed to the urgent care facility Sunday morning. He had to get a T shot and is on an antibiotic. He'll need to go back tomorrow for a check up. It's imperative that he keeps it clean and watches for infection. Luckily, Jack is an indoor cat and comes in contact with no other animals. There is no chance of rabies or anything like that. I'm just glad that it was Rob and not Becky or something. Rob knows Jack and knows that it was out of fear...whereas, Becky doesn't know him and might develop a fear of him. Everyone is good though...so it's a-okay!

Coat of many colors...

I am a newlywed...a wife. While I've been with my now husband for 3.5 years this January, I have only carried the title...or patch if you will...of Mrs for 2 short months. I'm growing accustom to my new last name and calling him husband opposed to fiancé. Furthermore, we have lived together for nearly the entire relationship, so there is not much different in our daily lives. However there was a huge change. The biggest and most stressful part of our union is another "patch" that was tacked on the minute I said "I do". I am now a new STEPMOM to two young children, Adrianna (7 yrs old) and Gabe (4 yrs old).

Going back to the beginning of my relationship with Rob, I had no idea he had children...let alone that he was married. Had I know about them, I can say that I would not have given him a second thought, which is part of the reason he chose not to tell me. Once I did find out, I had serious reservations, but let my heart win out. I loved him...well, love.

I could easily say that I am not a kid person. I've always liked my space and I really dislike whining. However, I don't detest children as a whole. Just like with adults, I find children that I adore. I've always been the type of person that as soon as I meet you, I either like you or I don't and that goes for both children and adults. So I can meet two children at the same time and like one and not the other. For instance, a fellow officer has a little girl, Rachel, and I absolutely love her. She is the cutest little thing and when I look at her I just smile all over.

So when Rob finally got around to telling me that he had children...not one, but two...I was devastated. Of course, there is so much more to that story. He knew that I wasn't a kid person, but he was positive that I would absolutely love his. They are smart and kind and polite and well-mannered. Pretty much the same spiel that you would get from any other loving parent. I have yet to hear someone say that their children are horrid little beasts. I, of course, was skeptical for more reasons than one. With the kids also comes a mom....but that is for another day.

After two years of being together, I finally met them and like with every situation there is good and bad. His children were attractive, mannered children like he had stated; however, that did not change my first meeting selection process. I found that I did not particularly care much for his daughter, but I was good with his son. I've labored over this for quite some time...is it because his daughter is a mirror image of her mother and his son, him? Is it because his daughter was all over him the whole time and constantly daddy this and daddy that? Or is it just my behavioral pattern? I find that it is probably a little of each...plus some.

Rob and I find his children and ex-wife to be the biggest and nastiest war zone in our coupling. It's near impossible to explain to your spouse, or anyone for that matter, what it is like having to share your partner with children that are not part of you. To share them with another woman and know that they have a bond that even you don't share. Through all the different situations that have arisen and fights fought, I've come to somewhat resent their existence in my relationship. What they represent both past and present.

I find myself miserable when trying to riffle through all the thoughts in my head. The logical vs. the emotional is a constant conflict. I can continuously tell myself that they are children and are not out to destroy my marriage or my life and give several intelligent reasons why that is true. But my emotions still flare up with hurt, loneliness, anger, and jealousy. This battle has left me drained, unhappy, and dreading the future. The battle has slowly, but severely, chipped away at me...at my affection for my husband...and at our overall relationship. His inability to understand where I'm coming from and mine to accept the inevitable.

Now with this new journey of mine, I have decided that the best policy is to be honest with my feelings about the situation, as well as, to gain as much insight as possible.

Over the last year and a half, I've spent more time with them and have grown to accept his son's presence much quicker than his daughter's. I've read a couple of books about stepmothering and searched the internet to find answers and most recently started finding blogs for stepfamilies and specifically for stepmothers. I need support to grow and mature in this new patch that has been sown onto my coat. I need a place with people that I can vent to without worrying about what kind of person they think I am...someone outside of my relationship and the children. While I have my friends, who I know will let me vent, I need people who have been in my shoes and understand my feelings. Through all the reading and research, I've come to realize that it's okay if I don't like them right away...or ever...we just have to show respect for each other and treat each other well. While I am not willing to give up on any positive relationship with my stepdaughter, I am okay with what it is and where is it for now.

And now it starts again...

So I finally finished bringing my old blog from xanga over here. There was no way to import it, since xanga uses RSS and only for the last few entries. I had to copy and paste everything to a word document and then transfer it in to an entry. Then I went through and reformatted everything. It still didn't turn out exactly right, but it will do.

I was surprised at the feeling of accomplishment that I had once I finished it though. It was as if the writer's block that I had was removed once I put all that here. I was able to go back and read all those old posts to see how I used to put things into words. It provided me the opportunity to reconnect with some of those feelings; mostly, the feeling of friendship. Those two years were rollercoasters, but I always had good friends to share them with. They were always there to brighten my day by laughing at whatever hardship I was having and to enjoy the good times. I miss that. I miss my friends and everything they each offered into my life.

So in the spirit of thanks...I thank each and everyone of you, my friends, for the many gifts your friendship have giving me. From dancing at Scooters, cherry bombs at Gerts, tattoos, Applebees, shells & cheese to road trips, photos, church and relationship talk...thank you. You are all in my heart and I treasure every memory.