God is doing good work in my life today.

I am happy and amazed at all the Lord has done in my life (in general), but especially over these last few weeks. For the longest time now, I have been missing the comfort and companionship of a church home. I could feel the void inside me and would often think to myself...I really need to get back to church...I need to find a church and I really would like to get involved. These thoughts would surface ever so often and pass without much action on my part...even though I knew that it would leave an empty void.

Since I decided to rediscovery myself and make changes and so on...it has been a constant thought, but I would make excuse after excuse. Finally, I had enough. I knew that it was something I was longing for and that I really needed God in my life if I was going to make all the changes that I wanted and needed. The church that I had originally thought about attending was literally a block away, but you would not believe the number of excuses one could make for not going. My biggest and most frequently used excuse was one of being tired and having to get up early...I'm sure many have used this one. :) Yet, as I would justify to myself why I couldn't make it to service, I knew the true reason...I was afraid. I know, I know...who's afraid to go to church?! The absurdity of it is not lost on me, but nonetheless, it is it. I was afraid. I have always had the fear of being judged...low self-esteem/self-confidence...always worried that I would not be good enough. Being surrounded by a large group of people that I did not know and still feeling so new to the faith (even though it's been 6 years since I was saved...but 3 that I've been away from the church...eek!) freaked me out. The devil knows my insecurities and had no problem running them through my mind and I was quickly defeated time and again. Not completely though, I have still been studying the Word, reading my daily devotional, and listening to Joyce's [Meyer] podcasts. I love her! 

A few weeks ago, I decided that I was tired of being afraid. I remembered my life verse 2 Timothy 1:7: "For the Lord did not give [me] a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind" and I made the decision to go to the 11:00 service the following Sunday. Every time the devil tried to sidetrack me with my fears, I just became more determined and would run my verse through my mind. I made it to church and no, no one attacked me...lol. In the bulletin, they were advertising the Women's Conference a couple of weeks later. It occurred to me that it was around this same time last year, that I had tried the church for the first time and attended very sporadically (maybe 4 times in the whole year) ever since. I had wanted to go to the Women's Conference then too, but with my work schedule and other reasons I didn't pursue it. Well, this year I was going to do it. I wanted more God in my life and more fellowship with others and to grow in my faith. I even took the time to call two Ladies' Bible Study groups to see if they had room for one more. I joined the Wednesday morning group and the Thursday evening group. Since then I have met several great women and have so many wonderful examples of women after God's own heart. I attended the Women's Conference last week and learned so much. It was such an awakening! I encourage everyone to try to attend one in their area. To be surrounded by so many fellow Christian women...it is just amazing!

I have been working over the last several months to pull the weeds and remove the overgrowth in my heart...making room to plant new seeds of humility, grace, peace,patience, love, and faith. Using a metaphor of Joyce's, there are several stones...mine are more the size of boulders...in my river of life. It's had to get the river flowing if it's stopped up with fleshy business. Through prayer, faith, and hope...I am working to make those boulders smaller, to stones, then rocks, then pebbles smoothed over by my river and at the bottom. Trust me, God has a lot of work to do within me...but I'm happy to say, I'm being made ready.

The reason I'm sharing this is because I have felt a change in my heart...one of peace and forgiveness take hold. Rob has even noticed that I seem happier, that I have been happier. My anger passes much quicker than it used to and when my frustration comes up, I look to the Word to replace it with love. The Lord is doing a good work in me and I wanted to let everyone know. I am growing roots...deep roots...and surrounding myself with like-minded ladies to help me continue to grow. 

Right now, I am still without a job. We have no more money set aside to cover our budget and Rob is being to worried. Yet, surprisingly or maybe it isn't, I'm content. I know that I will find a job and we will be okay. I have faith in God and believe that this a trial set to strengthen and grow my faith. I have hope that a job I applied for will come through. Every time my worries start, I use my words in confirmation that He hears my prayers and will answer them. He will provide. For instance, a woman in my Thursday group has an unsaved husband...just like mine. She also had the book Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and she offered to loan it to me for Rob to read. God was working, because he is actually reading it and interested in it. I believe that God is going to use this book to open his eyes and plant that seed in his heart. By the way, for anyone who has not read this book...I would greatly encourage it. Even as a believer, I have learned so much from it and I'm only on page 60. He makes the argument so logical. 

In summary, while my life is nowhere near perfect I am content and happy. I have peace in my heart and plan on continuing to sow and reap the good life. :o)

I know that this is already incredibly long, but I wanted to include this message from Joyce. It has been something that I have been focusing on for the last month or so, because it is the biggest boulder in my river and I believe that this will be helpful for everyone. 

The Mouth Has a Mind of Its Own!

by Joyce Meyer

What if I told you that the source of most of your problems could be found within you—from the neck up? You’ll find it in the thoughts that come from your mind and the words that come out of your mouth.

We must realize and understand the power carried by our thoughts and words. They’re so powerful that they can bring either blessings or curses into our lives, depending on their nature. Our thoughts and words are like the rudder of a ship—they may seem small, but they affect the very direction of our lives.

Many years ago my life was in a state of chaos because of years of wrong thinking and speaking. I had encountered so many disappointments because of all the devastating things that had happened to me. I was afraid to believe that anything good might happen. In fact, my philosophy of life was, “If you keep your expectations low, you’ll never be disappointed.”

Over the years I became very cynical and negative. I often said that if I had two positive thoughts in a row, my mind would’ve gotten a cramp. My thoughts were negative, which caused my words to be negative…which all reflected poorly on my life. Finally, I decided to change my ways and stop talking so negatively. After a while I realized that I needed to do more than just not talk negatively. Cutting out the negative wasn’t enough; I had to begin to think and talk positively!

For example, a person sneezes and says, “Oh, I’m probably getting the flu.” Or someone hears a rumor that the company he works for is going to lay off some employees, so he thinks, That’s the story of my life. Every time things start to go well, something always happens. Then he says, “I’ll probably lose my job.” These types of negative statements seem to come so naturally to all of us. We need to discipline ourselves to be more positive—it’s not so easy!

When we react negatively, we allow fear to take over our thinking. We begin to dwell on things that haven’t even happened and may not happen. Our negative thoughts cause us to speak the words that’ll shape our future.

We’re constantly tempted to think wrong thoughts, but we don’t have to accept them! We have a choice! We need to purposely choose right thinking and speaking. In the Bible, Proverbs 18:21 says, Death and life are in the power of the tongue…. We must choose life generating thoughts. When we do, positive, powerful, life-giving words will naturally follow. I think some people try to control their mouths but do nothing about their thoughts. That’s like pulling off the top of a weed—unless the root is dug up, the weed always comes back. You’ll never control your mouth unless you first learn to control your mind.

Believing is the first important step to switching our thinking from being negative to positive. Remember, what’s in our hearts and minds will come out of our mouths. If our soul (mind, will and emotions) is full of negative things, we’ll find those things coming our way. On the other hand, when we hear, read, think and talk about God, the Truth and more positive things, we’ll find that those good things will come our way. The choice is ours!

Through Faith I Walk

So it appears that I've been complaining a lot about my marriage...well, more so about my decision to get married to my husband. When I think back to the moment that I saw Rob, I was immediately attracted to him. He had the bluest eyes I had ever seen...strong jawline with great cheeks. I thought he was funny and confident. Those first few days spent getting to know each other was fun. I enjoyed that time; however, my intuition was telling me that something was wrong. 

I am a big believer in intuition and for the most part have followed it; however, I was enjoying myself so throughly and wanted to believe that everything was alright, that I chose to ignore it. It did keep nagging at me right up until he told me all about himself. In that moment, after I had allowed myself to fall in love with him, my worse fears were realized. Nevertheless, I did not start listening. I continued to follow my heart and pushed forward with the relationship. Throughout our entire relationship, I held onto my hope, desire, and need for a loving relationship. I continued to have doubt, which I would pass off as my insecurities trying to overtake me.

Now I look at where I am and wonder why I never decided to listen to my intuition? I married a man who is really the complete opposite of me. We are not friends really, don't have much in common to talk about, don't have the same faith, and have yet to master the ability to communicate in a helpful manner or at all. LOL...what were we thinking?! Well, we were thinking that we loved each other and we both want this relationship. Now don't get me wrong here. We are not at each other's throats and anything close to that. We love each other and do enjoy each other's company; we just spend a lot of time sitting together without much to say.

Many of people believe that intuition is one of God's ways to speak to us and guide us. I, honestly, am of this belief too. So why, knowing that God wants only the best for me, did I continue to ignore His direction? Because I was afraid that He was going to tell me to wait! Afraid that I was still going to be alone! Afraid that I would never find that special someone, so I went with what was right in front of me and boy, have I paid for it. So many trials...fights...crying...yet, we always manage to come back together.

These thoughts have really been consuming my mind lately. Why am I with a man that has two children and an ex wife? Why am I with someone that I don't enjoy talking to? Why am I with someone who believes that science is god? How is it possible that I got so far from all that I wanted? Then I realize that I blame myself. I am angry at myself more than I very was at Rob. I felt that I did myself an injustice. With that I have guilt, something that I inherited from my Catholic father. Then I ask myself, why are all these thoughts coming to the forefront now? Well, for one...I am on this journey to find myself and two...I'm doing almost daily Bible study. I have my devotionals and am truly sinking deeper and deeper into the Word. As I do, I learn more and more about God, myself, and my relationship with others...especially my husband.

Now after weeks spend on these concerns, doubts, and would be mistakes, I am finding some peace this morning...more so as I started putting this post together. Something that has made its way from the back of my mind is the simple truth that God has a plan for me and it is in His control.

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG)


"You have searched me, LORD, and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely." Psalm 139:1-4 (TNIV)



"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16 (TNIV)


Perhaps if I quit thinking about the past and all that I don't have, I will see all the He has before me. The Lord does not give us anything that we can't handle and everything that come our way is to shape us into the person that He intended us to be. God knew that I would marry Rob. He knew the trials and tribulations that both Rob and I would be faced with in this marriage. He has a purpose for us to be together. 


Even throughout all the fears and doubts that I've had over the last few weeks, I never thought of ending it. Just walking away. Instead, I have been consumed with the what ifs...what if I can't handle not having my husband be my best friend....what if we can't learn to communicate...what if we can't learn to appreciate each other and handle one another with patience and kindness. I want our marriage to succeed and us to triumph.


And as obvious as it is now, it wasn't last night...we have to seek God and pray for each of these things to have them in our marriage. Putting my trust in Him and He will provide. He will give me the strength to continue and find those things that are missing in our marriage...in Him. God has provided me the opportunity to learn patience, kindness, and His unconditional love. Plus the opportunity to share His love with a nonbeliever. I can't think of more precious blessings that He could give. In this marriage, He will force me to deny my "fleshy" life and walk in faith. That's cool...not easy...but I'm thankful for this opportunity.

Is that you God?

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,

knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.

But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

James 1:2-4

So as most of you know, I hate being a patrol officer. Spending 8 hours a day in a car is not fun...nothing like a road trip with friends. I drive in squares, use a 1/4 of a tank of gas, and get nowhere. If you include the crazy work hours, I would say that this job is sucking the happiness right out of me. I'm pretty sure Rob would tell you the same thing. Poor guy, he puts up with some much of my anxiety and depression brought on by this place that I'm at.

Back in February, I took a week off to figure out what I really needed. I spent that week putting in two resumes a day...10 that week. Rob and I agreed that it was time that I move on and regardless of the pay, if I was happy it would be worth it and the budget will be reworked. I committed it to prayer and left it at that; but, I had this unsettling feeling that God wasn't going to let me leave the police department. Whatever "work" I was suppose to do here was not finished. It was an awful feeling, bringing me to tears several times. How could He not see that I was so unhappy doing this job? Why would He not provide me with something else?

During that time I kept coming across different scriptures during my daily readings in Proverbs, Psalms, and James. The story about trials and tribulations being a river you have to cross in your boat. It's not easy to make it to the other side, but you have to stay in the boat! On the other side is a person with stronger faith. You can't leave the boat and with each trial you become more and more like the person God had in mind. So many of the scriptures and devotionals were talking about doing a great job at work for God and how God will reward those who do a good work. These all sound wonderful, but what if you truly are miserable at your job? Does that give you a pass? Will He provide you with something else?

With each of these scriptures running through my mind, I became more and more unsettled. I was fearful that I was going to have to stay in patrol. My flesh was fighting it even though I knew that if it was God's plan for me to stay there and complete His work that it was a good thing. God's plans are always for the best. I would tell myself that over and over. During one of my runs, I was listening to a Podcast from Joyce Meyer and I ended up crying full of frustration and hurt that God wanted me to stay was I was. I told Him that I was going to do His will even if it killed me, but I reminded Him (in case God could forget) that I had asked for a new job and deep in my heart I needed it. I said out loud that He had promised if I asked in His name, He would do it (paraphrased of course).

I continued working and that's when I took my week off in February. I thought that surely if I applied to all of those jobs, God would find one that suited me and His purpose. Rob and I made the decision that regardless of me having another job, I was going to resign either the 31st or the 4th of April. I'm even supposed to be following up with a HR manager at this company to work on setting up an interview. Everything is good right?

I still have this nagging "check" telling me that God isn't giving me the go ahead. Then on Friday of last week, I checked my work email and there was a vacancy in the Crime Prevention Unit! Monday through Friday, 8-4:30...perfect hours for my schooling and body clock. Paperwork, working with citizens in Neighborhood watch, civic leagues, etc. This would be perfect for me!! I would get to stay in the police department, still doing law enforcement (which still interests me), keeping my pay, and normal work hours. And it hit me...was this God's way of answering my prayers? Was this His go ahead?

I am excited about this opportunity; however, there is one small problem. To transfer, you have to have 2 years on the force as a sworn officer. I'm 9 months short of that. I will be with the department 2 years in July, but I wasn't sworn in until December. I now have to convince my LT to let me put in for it. He will have to agree to sign off on it for me to be eligible. I'll be meeting with him today and I have caught myself doubting it will work and questioning what will happen then, but then a thought pushes it back. If this is God's plan then who will be able to stop it? No one. If God wants me in this position, then surely the LT will say yes and sign off on it. If not, then maybe it's not God's plan after all or maybe He has a different way of going about arranging it. Who knows...and if it turns out to not workout, I always have my job interview with "Company A" to work toward.

So here I sit...sick with a head cold...and praying for courage and the right words to convince my LT about this new job opportunity. Sometimes I really wish that there was a definitely was to know if the path that I'm looking to go down is God's or my own....like a big sign that reads, "This way". That would be nice.