Here's What Happened Last Month on "Road to Rediscovery"

What I've learned about myself in the last month:


I am getting better at cooking: So with all the free time I have on my hands currently, that no job thing, I have been the one cooking dinner pretty much every night. I have my little list on the fridge with a menu for each day, which makes for easy referencing. With that, I have become much more aware of cooking times for different foods and much more experimental. I get so tired of eating the same meals weekly! While I am not a master of it yet, I have become quite good at having each dish cooked and ready at the same time. Nothing getting cold for the most part. Like I said, I'm still working at it, but it's so nice when everything comes together.


I love Glee: Okay, now I have known this since the series began...but...with the second season started, I am an even bigger fan! I look forward to Wednesdays when it's posted on Hulu for me to watch. Since we don't have TV, all the watching is done on the internet.


I need to loosen up a smidgen: Here I am at 28, with no kids and I feel like I'm chained to so much responsibility. Of course, as an adult you will have responsibilities, but nothing like how I feel. I married into a mountain of debt and because I HATE debt, I have been obsessed with it. It has been my goal for ever to get rid of it, but it has come at an even bigger cost...my happiness. I've been blaming Rob for us not getting to do all the things that we wanted to...it was his debt and his irresponsibility that has us tied to it...and it's my responsibility to make sure we pay things off. Well, we have. We have done nothing, but pay off debt for the past year and I am exhausted. There is still so much further to go, so while my friends are going on amazing vacations and holidays are passing without seeing family...we are pushing to pay off this debt and I'm over it! Blah! It has and is causing resentment between Rob and I...my own doing...and I need to remove that from our marriage. Don't get me wrong, I am not going to throw up my hands and walk away! I just need to bring more balance into it. I'm thinking we should make a point to schedule a vacation once a year...something big like a cruise or a 5 day stay somewhere either with friends and family or just the two of us. Also include a small trip to see family over a holiday weekend. I miss my family so much and would love to see friends more often. All part of getting back to me! A big part of me is travel....I love to travel and see knew places and I haven't done too much of that since we've been together and I am ready to change that!


I need a job: Yup, it's that time again and I need to find another job. Nothing has really opened up around here and while I hated my job as a police officer, I was making 40k a year. Granted, that really isn't a lot for what it involved; nevertheless, it was 40k a year. LOL...now I am back looking for something else and it is not looking promising. I did just applied for a position with South University as a Library Asst. I am most excited about that even though I'm sure I'll be lucky to get 30k a year. I believe mostly it's about 26k. Eek! I also half heartedly applied for a position as a Forensic Tech position with VBPD. Also, starting out at 30,800k a year...still involves shift changes and so on...but a girl has to work. I am also in the process of checking out the Air Force Reserve. They have Historian positions available, which is right up my alley and would really benefit my career goals in the long run. It's not a definite thing yet; but it is something that I'm working on. I like the idea.


So many thoughts and ideas to work through and more keep coming, but it has been great getting to know myself better and really figuring out what I want. The way I see it...I need to start praying about everything and fearing nothing....Jesus will be back before I know it and I'm not missing the boat! 

THE BOOK OF AWESOME by Neil Pasricha

1000 Awesome Things Check out this blog if you don't already. It is a great way to start the day. It will fill you with laughter, while looking at the person next to you and sharing your own awesome thing.

What are some of your favorite awesome things?

I Heart Libraries!

So over the weekend, I was in Milwaukee for the MLIS orientation. While my program is online, I wanted to meet my advisors and some professors face to face. I felt like this would be the best way to start out a new path and quite frankly...I am so excited about this opportunity that I want to do it all!

Rob and I flew out at 5:55am on Thursday morning. We almost missed our flight actually. They had to hold the door for us! Luckily, we managed to get settled without really bothering anyone. Since Rob bought our tickets at different times, we weren't seated together on any of the flights. We made it to Detroit with no problems and were able to grab some breakfast before the quick hop to Milwaukee. That flight was fantastic...so short!

As I was exiting the plane there, I could already feel the difference in the weather. When we flew out of Norfolk the days had been in the 80s. In Milwaukee on Thursday it was a brisk 30 something! It even snowed a bit. We got our rental and went straight to the extended-stay hotel. We were so tired from the lack of sleep that we ended up grabbing lunch at Chilis and not leaving the hotel the rest of the night. Bedtime came pretty early for us. (Milwaukee is Central Time Zone.)

On Friday we were up at 7:00 and out the door at 7:50. The drive to the campus was wonderful. We took Lake Dr. so we could cruise past the lake and it was so pleasant. We started the day off with some great stuff...free t-shirt, water bottle, tote, and magazines. Plus we had a continental breakfast. I love muffins. :o) The orientation lasted until 4:30, but it went pretty quickly. I was able to speak with my advisor and meet some fellow students, some who will also be DE students. Turns out the student organization was planning a little get together afterward, so Rob and I joined up with them. They took us to a place called The Safe House. The idea behind the restaurant it awesome. It's this whole spy theme. You have to know the password to get in or you have to do some silly trick. The door is hidden and so on. It really was a lot of fun, but the food was sub-par at best. Afterward, a few of us went for drinks at Champions?? I think that's the name of the place. Nice out of the way place. It was great hanging out with them. We played a fantastic game of Apples to Apples and called it a night around midnight.

Saturday was pretty uneventful. We stayed close to the hotel, went grocery shopping, and just watched some TV. Rob and I don't have cable or anything like it, so it was fun to actually watch HGTV. On Sunday, we went to the Milwaukee Art Museum. It was so beautiful inside and Art in Bloom was taking place. Art in Bloom is where florist interpret pieces in the museum in floral arrangements. It was a wonderful exhibit to be able to see. Also the Woman with the Veil by Raphael was on display. Stunning! The museum had so many wonderful galleries, but there was no way that we were going to be able to see everything that morning. Rob was scheduled to flight out on Sunday. (Did I mention that our tickets weren't bought at the same time...lol) So after the museum, we grabbed lunch and headed back to the hotel. Basically, we hung around there until it was time to take him to the airport. That night I sat in front of the TV and watched Brothers & Sisters! I was so excited that I was able to do that...not to mention it was a 2 hour show!!! Awesome.

Monday was my day to fly out. I packed up and went to meet Morgan for lunch at 1230. It was good food and good conversation. We were there until 4:00. I think that was more my doing than hers. My flight wasn't leaving until 6:30pm, so I had nothing else to do but sit in the airport. It's been forever since I had lunch with a girl...I've missed it so much. There are so many things to talk about. She was so gracious to listen to me chatting away. LOL...I believe she was having fun too. :o)

From there I went to the airport, returned the car, and settled in for my two hour wait. Surprisingly, the time past quickly. The flight was ahead of schedule and we landed in Detroit in no time. We left there on schedule and landed in Norfolk ahead also. I had to actually wait for my ride instead of the other way around. Any frequent flier know how that goes. Jack was so excited to see me. Purrs nonstop. Because I felt sorry for him, I left him sleep in the room with me and he loved every minute of it. Today he has hardly left my lap. So spoiled.

This trip was the icing on the cake. I was already excited about the program and now I can't wait for it to start! September seems like forever away. Ugh! I get to enroll on the 20th, so I'm counting down. It's going to be awesome!! WOOO! Overall, it was the a fantastic opportunity and I was able to meet some really great people who I hope to keep in touch with.

 Erin and Andrew at Champions

Allison and Morgan at Champions 

 18K Gold Tea Set by Tiffany & Co....how awesome it that!

Shopping!

Whew...another week. Thank you! Yesterday was awesome. I spent the day shopping, which I don't do often. It takes me way too long to decide on something, especially when working within a budget. We have a clothing "envelope", so we can only spend what is in set aside. Luckily, I received an Express gift card for $100 for my birthday; plus, I had a coupon. Yes! I love coups. Rob agreed to meet me at the mall, since he really does have a good eye.

I have to admit, the beginning of the shopping experience was stressful. After about an hour and a half, I had an armful of items to pick from and I didn't "love" them. Now if I had the money to just buy what I want, then I would definitely have been excited about all of them. They looked good on me and I liked them; however, since I shop within a budget I really need to love whatever I buy. Besides, everyone knows if you don't love it in the store you're not going to love it when you get home!

So while standing in the side aisle trying to talk with Rob about what to get, take his thoughts into consideration, stay within my budget, and still get the stuff that I wanted and that was in my head when I walked into the store...I almost had a breakdown! I've never been so stressed out while shopping. I was at the point of just leaving and coming back later. I couldn't figure out what went wrong. I was excited to go buy a few spring/summer dresses and get some cute shoes to go with. I knew that I wanted a pair of plain black slacks and two cardigans (a black and a white). These were all things that I knew that I wanted. Yet, looking in my hand I only had one thing on that list. I realized that it all broke down when we first walked in and I found this great cream/off white long cardigan that I was drawn to. I loved it, yet I let Rob talk me into grabbing a short one. I love his input and while I had an idea in my own head, I was basing what I was picking up mostly on his opinion.

At this point, Rob had to be heading back to work. Turns out that this was for the best. Once he left, I started all over. I put back all but two skirts that I had been carrying around and focused on what I really wanting. Rob had mentioned before he left that I should buy what was on my list, since he knew that would make me the happiest and cut down on my buyer's remorse. Therefore, I went back to some of the things that I had in my head when I first walked into the store. I wanted some cute, summery dresses. In my head, they were short not long. I picked up a few to try on...I went back to the first creamy long cardigan...checked the sales rack...and grabbed a pair of crop wide waistband Editor pants in black. When I came out of the dressing room, I knew without a doubt what I wanted and better yet, I was happy about it!

I ended up with a purple dress, the Editor pants, a gray t-shirt from the clearance rack, my creamy cardigan, and a little black skirt that was 40% off. I then went to Payless and picked up three pairs of shoes. A light yellow colored slip on, a gold gladiator sandal, and a navy blue/grey wedge. The only remorse that I felt when I made it home was that I had spent my gift card and all of the money in the envelope. While that is what it's there for and Rob did say I could spend it, I felt bad that I spent it all and Rob ended up with none of it. I guess the next time it gets a nice chuck in there it will be his turn. Regardless, I look fabulous in all my new stuff. Below are a few pictures of my loot! I know the pants are khaki and the cardigan black in the picture, but pretend. :o)

                

Emails

Am I ever going to be okay with it? Am I ever going to just move past the past?


This morning I woke up to find some forward emails in my inbox. One from the ex-wife, with hubby's reply, and one that he wrote to his children. Not the way that I want to start my day, but the fact that he remembered to send it was encouraging. 


We have struggled with this aspect of our relationship. Having another female emailing your husband is unnerving, regardless of the "connection" and seeing how in the beginning...the frequency and emotional content...well, let's just say it can be very trying. There were so many times that I would read one and get angry, which led to a fight. I was furious that at his reaction to them, his replies, and the fact that he had an incredible hard time seeing anything she did as over the line. He was upset that I was so upset. That I was being understanding. That I couldn't just understand that she was the mother of his children. So on and so forth. There would be times when he wouldn't tell me about the emails. He would agree to things and bring it up later. More fighting. Anyway, we have worked hard to get to the point where he includes me in their exchanges. He still worries about my reaction, but pushes the emails through anyway. Surprisingly, I handle them better because I don't feel as left out. I don't feel like there is something going on behind my back. 


So this morning, I read the email from the ex. It was about her newest boyfriend and how he has been hanging out with her and the kids a lot and it's getting serious....then it included hubby's reply. Same as all the others...asking basic details about the new guy and making sure that he knows his place in the kids' lives. In his reply, he chose to include a comparison or two with our relationship and it made me angry. They way he handles this sort of thing has always bothered me, but the comparisons really pushed me over the edge. Not once has he handled her new boyfriends anywhere close to how she handled our relationship and not once has she handled hers the way that she treated ours! How dare he compare her new fling with where we are in our relationship! We are married and have been together going on 4 years! How dare he invalidate our relationship in that manner. We were living together for over a year before I met his children. I had to have a meeting with her first. Then I had to go over to their house and spend a few hours there, so they could get to know me, before we took them with us. I spent the day at their house for his son's birthday party...while she and her friends talked about me in the kitchen. How dare he....


Needless to say, I have very strong feelings about the way that they each have decided to handle her relationships. He's "whatever" and she's introducing a new guy after only a few months when they aren't serious. I just don't get it.


So I am angry. I am hurt. I wanted to email him back and tell him how angry I was, but I didn't. I did not want to take another step back caused by something that cannot be changed. I just took a deep breath and reminded myself that he shared the email. He's trying. As for my feelings, I'll just share them here because he will never understand and it will never change. It's all about being accepting of the situation and not letting it bring you down. Not letting his past effect my future. Thankfully, bring my thoughts and feelings here has made me feeling better. Now when he comes home from work, we can have a good day with no fights. 


Part II:


As I already mentioned, I also had an email waiting that he send to his children. Now this is the first time that I have ever had one of these, so I'm not really sure of his motivation. Never have I asked to be included in this correspondence and never has he shown any interest in doing so. These email was entitled Re: I love you. Surprisingly, it was quite a long one (about the length of Part I) and it turns out that the entire thing was him expressing his love to them. Anyone how has read my previous post Does He or Doesn't He, or any recent one for that matter, knows my thoughts, anxiety, and doubts when it comes to that area of our lives, so you can imagine how I felt reading an endless email about his love and devotion to them. After the first email, this one pretty much shattered what was left of my calm. I even cried a bit.

"I know the situation as it is now is not the best when it comes to us being together (you, Gabey and me) but you can trust in the fact that I am working on both ends (here and with your mom) to make it better."

and

"My heart is full of joy because I know you two live and breath.  I work to ensure that mommy gets the money she needs to keep you two well taken care of because right now that is what I can do consistently do without fail, but you two [are] more than the money I send out, you are my children, my love, my life." 

What am I supposed to say to that? How am I supposed to feel? I don't know what the correct way is, but I do know that it makes me feel separate, a third wheel, loved less...not like a beloved wife. That email torn at my most tender spot and I am left hurt and feeling alone. I know that he was not trying to hurt me with his words and chances are he was not considering my feelings at all when he emailed them. I know he doesn't read this blog, so I am sure that he is not anymore aware of my feelings than he was when we discussed them last. He was just trying to share with me, but ended up breaking my heart in pieces. 

Will I ever feel loved like I need? Will I ever feel like my husband wants children with me and can love us like he does the children he already has? Will I ever feel most important to anyone?

Through Faith I Walk

So it appears that I've been complaining a lot about my marriage...well, more so about my decision to get married to my husband. When I think back to the moment that I saw Rob, I was immediately attracted to him. He had the bluest eyes I had ever seen...strong jawline with great cheeks. I thought he was funny and confident. Those first few days spent getting to know each other was fun. I enjoyed that time; however, my intuition was telling me that something was wrong. 

I am a big believer in intuition and for the most part have followed it; however, I was enjoying myself so throughly and wanted to believe that everything was alright, that I chose to ignore it. It did keep nagging at me right up until he told me all about himself. In that moment, after I had allowed myself to fall in love with him, my worse fears were realized. Nevertheless, I did not start listening. I continued to follow my heart and pushed forward with the relationship. Throughout our entire relationship, I held onto my hope, desire, and need for a loving relationship. I continued to have doubt, which I would pass off as my insecurities trying to overtake me.

Now I look at where I am and wonder why I never decided to listen to my intuition? I married a man who is really the complete opposite of me. We are not friends really, don't have much in common to talk about, don't have the same faith, and have yet to master the ability to communicate in a helpful manner or at all. LOL...what were we thinking?! Well, we were thinking that we loved each other and we both want this relationship. Now don't get me wrong here. We are not at each other's throats and anything close to that. We love each other and do enjoy each other's company; we just spend a lot of time sitting together without much to say.

Many of people believe that intuition is one of God's ways to speak to us and guide us. I, honestly, am of this belief too. So why, knowing that God wants only the best for me, did I continue to ignore His direction? Because I was afraid that He was going to tell me to wait! Afraid that I was still going to be alone! Afraid that I would never find that special someone, so I went with what was right in front of me and boy, have I paid for it. So many trials...fights...crying...yet, we always manage to come back together.

These thoughts have really been consuming my mind lately. Why am I with a man that has two children and an ex wife? Why am I with someone that I don't enjoy talking to? Why am I with someone who believes that science is god? How is it possible that I got so far from all that I wanted? Then I realize that I blame myself. I am angry at myself more than I very was at Rob. I felt that I did myself an injustice. With that I have guilt, something that I inherited from my Catholic father. Then I ask myself, why are all these thoughts coming to the forefront now? Well, for one...I am on this journey to find myself and two...I'm doing almost daily Bible study. I have my devotionals and am truly sinking deeper and deeper into the Word. As I do, I learn more and more about God, myself, and my relationship with others...especially my husband.

Now after weeks spend on these concerns, doubts, and would be mistakes, I am finding some peace this morning...more so as I started putting this post together. Something that has made its way from the back of my mind is the simple truth that God has a plan for me and it is in His control.

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG)


"You have searched me, LORD, and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely." Psalm 139:1-4 (TNIV)



"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16 (TNIV)


Perhaps if I quit thinking about the past and all that I don't have, I will see all the He has before me. The Lord does not give us anything that we can't handle and everything that come our way is to shape us into the person that He intended us to be. God knew that I would marry Rob. He knew the trials and tribulations that both Rob and I would be faced with in this marriage. He has a purpose for us to be together. 


Even throughout all the fears and doubts that I've had over the last few weeks, I never thought of ending it. Just walking away. Instead, I have been consumed with the what ifs...what if I can't handle not having my husband be my best friend....what if we can't learn to communicate...what if we can't learn to appreciate each other and handle one another with patience and kindness. I want our marriage to succeed and us to triumph.


And as obvious as it is now, it wasn't last night...we have to seek God and pray for each of these things to have them in our marriage. Putting my trust in Him and He will provide. He will give me the strength to continue and find those things that are missing in our marriage...in Him. God has provided me the opportunity to learn patience, kindness, and His unconditional love. Plus the opportunity to share His love with a nonbeliever. I can't think of more precious blessings that He could give. In this marriage, He will force me to deny my "fleshy" life and walk in faith. That's cool...not easy...but I'm thankful for this opportunity.

Does He or Doesn't He

 

Tomorrow is my 28th birthday! Not really a milestone, but 28 is almost 30. LOL..but I'm not worried. The big 30 isn't scary to me. I'm hoping the closer that I get to it the more grown up I'll feel.

Life is funny. I was just texting with one of my greatest friends about that. We were talking about how far we've come since college. She is pregnant with her first baby! She is having a girl and due in July. I couldn't be happier for her. I know that she will be a great mom and I am excited to meet the little one...whenever that is.

My birthday approaching and talking with her made me think about my future plans. I can honestly say that I expected to have at least one kiddo by now. In my life plan I was going to be married by 25 (didn't happen until 27) and start with the family by 27 (turning 28 with no projected outcome). It seems like everyday another friend is posting a picture of a pregnancy test and announcing the good news. I can't help but feel left out. I finally understand that damn clock and I find it frustrating. LOL. What is more frustrating than that is my desire to have one. There is a part of me that is ready...wanting to take that step and begin; however, there is also that part that is worried that I am not ready yet. Still too selfish with too much to do. Finish my masters, travel, etc.

That wasn't always the case and I believe that my uncertainty comes from my situation with my husband. I remember this conversation that we had when we were first getting to know each other. We were in Alabama, walking from the car to the restaurant and talking about kids. This is how the conversation went:

Me: How many kids do you want?

Him: 2, a boy and a girl

Me: oh, weird. You're probably the only guy I know who actually has that figured out.

(My thoughts: "perfect...this is definitely my future husband.")

At that time, I was excited about all the possibilities that our relationship held and children were a big part of that. I can say that I was truly happy at that moment.

Then fast forward to the fact that he already had two children...boy and girl...to a conversation in Tacoma at the Melting Pot about 3 months after we started living together...now I don't remember the whole conversation, but we were once again talking about having children and he made a statement that has stuck with me. Probably because it was devastating to me...LOL. We were talking about having children and I'm sure that I was saying something about him waiting more children...bring up the conversation in Alabama. He said to me [paraphrasing] "well, I'm okay without having more children. I have fulfilled my need, but if you wanted to have children then I'd be will to." I think what made that statement so devastating was that while he wasn't saying that he didn't want anymore children, he was saying that his desire was filled. 

Step ahead to the last year and when we discuss it, he has it in his head that we won't be starting a family for 3-5 years. He wants us to be ready. 3-5 years!! Can you believe that...he wants me to wait another 3-5 years. When "they" decided to have "their" children, "they" planned it out. Each child...yet "they" talked about divorce about a year or so after the first one was born and were having problems up until about 6 months to a year before "they" DECIDED to have the second. "They" talked about divorce again before that child turned 1! That was the final talk because after that we met and so on. "They" waited until "they" were ready, but apparently not really. It's frustrating. 

I know bring children into this world is a big responsibility and can be a blessing to a marriage, but can also put a lot of strain on one. I understand that and I know we are not ready right now to have a baby. I would just like the opportunity to plan our family and life around us and not have to build off of his former one. He talks about how great it was that they planned it out and how he wouldn't change a thing and I am so glad it worked out for them that way. On the other hand, I feel like he might be trying to compensate for their issues by putting such a ridiculous timeline on us. But it also brings up fears that he really isn't sure about wanting anymore children, so he's putting it off. (**Note: during some of our recent talks this past year, he has assured me that he does, in fact, want children with me.) Not to mention, that while his need is met...mine isn't. So my clock is busy ticking away and he's perfectly fine because he no longer has that desire; therefore, waiting 3-5 years is nothing for him. You know...*sigh*

This is way we are not ready to have children yet and I believe that his statements and actions have caused me to be uncertain about what I want. I am worried that he really doesn't want more children and that it would be him just doing it to make me happy. Nice thought, but when I have children I want my husband to want them and not just go with it because I want them. He's always talking about what amazing children he already has and how great, special, etc they are...and I believe that if I told him that I didn't want to have children, he would be perfectly okay with that. He wouldn't push for us to display our love for each other through children. He really would be okay with it, which is bothersome for me. Again with the want thing.

So here I sit, going back and forth, about my future family. I know I have my insecurities about myself and my relationship and this could be less of a deal than I am making it. With each new pregnancy post though, I can't help but feel that I am missing out on something and that way our relationship started took something else away from me...something that I didn't realize until now...something very special.

ETA: While in the shower this thought hit me...Rob always tells people that we want children but not for a few years (told his boss just yesterday actually) and I find myself saying that we plan on having children when we're ready...then I actually look for things that I can do and we can do to be ready whether it takes us 6 months, 1 year, or 3 years...that's the difference in our thinking. I'm always looking for ways to make it happen because it is something that I want. A goal. A desire.