Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Weeks 2-8...

     Unfortunately, I have been a terrible blogger. I used to be so incredibly good at it. Just look at all my old posts. I figured it might give me some much needed inspiration to get back to my old typing self. I could really use that old me.

     Pretty much the last 6 weeks have been spent hanging out with the cat. Rob has been traveling for work, only coming home for a few days at a time. This trip has been going since November 2. He's supposed to be home by Wednesday night; however, they still seem to have plenty to do.

     Surprisely, not everything is happy and merry. It seems that everything we are together, even for just those few days, we end up having some sort of argument. It never fails. I'm sure it has a lot to do with stress from being apart. But I also know that part of it has to do with the issues that we have yet to completely solve in counseling. Seven months of counseling just touched the iceberg of the issues. It provided us the opportunity to get comfortable with our counselor and start putting our issues into words. I believe that is probably the hardest part. Being able to figure out what the problems are and define them in words instead of just feelings.

     With the time that we've been apart these last couple of months, I have really focused on me. Trying to figure out why I'm so stressed and unhappy. Contrary to what Rob might say, I am not a person who stresses out easily. I remember talks that I used to have with my friend, Sam, at Denny's. Man, we could talk for hours about stuff and it was always filled with laughter. That's how I handled everything. I would sit with my friends and we would make jokes and laugh at whatever issue came up. Even with the start of me and Rob's relationship, I laughed at my own ignorance. Laci and I ended up at LoneStar for a beer and while part of my cried and fell apart...the other part laughed about it. We told jokes and just made the situation not so bad. Somehow, in the three years that we've been together I've moved away for that. I'm bottling up more and more and it's slowly killing me. But I am determined to find myself again. I have begun taking all those feelings that I've been internalizing and started putting them into words with the help of our counselor. While Rob has been gone, I've still been seeing our family counselor. It has been amazing how much relief I have found by being honest with him. Wow, I leave feeling really good and I can't wait for the next appointment.

     Rob and I have a still have a long way to go to handle all of our issues, but I know that we will make it. I know that we are going to come out of this strong and I know that I will come out of this as my old self with many important improvements. I'm not perfect and I know that I have many places to work on...but I know that there are things about myself that I like and that are great qualities, some of which I have lost. I am determined to get those back.

So take this as my pledge to find myself and build a marriage that only movies talk about.

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