Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Blame Game...I'm sure you're heard of it

My, oh, my...what have I done. I can't stop thinking about yesterday and all that played out. Of course, my night didn't end as I had hoped. Rob ended up calling me at 10:50 p.m. in a cab with half a dozen drunk guys yelling in the background. I had asked him to call me in the afternoon and would think that it would be common sense to call before going out and getting hammered. What do I know. Either way, I was very irritated and upset at the situation. I was looking forward to getting to talk with him and that did not go as planned. But that is not what I wish to write about.

I was thinking and rethinking about my thoughts yesterday. Seeing them in word form made the implications behind each one more venomous...more angry and more finger pointing then I ever thought I was capable of. I was really blaming Rob for where I am today. Granted, it's not all bad; but it's definitely not where I expected to be!

The one statement that has stuck out at me the most questions why my life has be on a downward spiral while Rob's seems to be pointed to the sky. Whether it was noticed or not, the tone in that statement was accusatory.  Since I've been with Rob I have become increasingly unhappy and for good reason. I moved away from my "go to" girls. I had my people who I could call for anything, to go to the movies, hang out, name it and I had someone to do it with. I settled in Washington reasonable well, with a new possible "go to" girl. Then we packed up in route to Virginia. I believe that it's at that point that everything really heading down.

From day one I was unhappy here and with each passing day it remained unchanged. I found a job and worked with some girls that I enjoyed. On occasion we would get together right after work for some drinks, but nothing really came of that. I soon found myself without any real friends here. I believe that's when I started to sink into a mild depression. I was unhappy where I lived. I was unhappy where I worked and there was still our relationship to deal with. When I quit FBA I was at a complete loss as to what to do with myself. I had no direction, but needed to do something to bring in money. Rob was getting antsy too. He knew we needed the income and was started to stress out about it a bit. That was the time that I made the decision to apply to the police department.

Fun how desperation clouds one's judgement. I remember being on vacation in Asheville and thinking about pursuing the police department. I was constantly trying to talk myself into it. When you have to talk yourself into a job, it's probably not the right one for you. I also remember telling Rob on several different occasions about never wanting to be a police officer. I didn't want to work on the weekends or at night. I didn't like the idea of having to deal with all the crap that they deal with. Plus, not admitting it to him or really to myself...I was afraid. The job was dangerous! However, I managed to convince myself that it was a good stepping stone to get where I was trying to go...federal. 

I half-heartedly went through the academy and now here I sit. Dreading work...hating the hours, going to court on my days off, riding around in a car alone for 8 hours....and I tell myself that I knew better. Well, I did. I did know better and had I actually knew myself then things would have played out so many ways. 

When putting those thoughts down and putting everything that I have learned over the last several months together, I realize that I have been blaming the wrong person this whole time. I've been angry at Rob for bringing his debt into our lives. I've been angry at Rob for making me move here. I have been angry with Rob for my misdirection/no direction and for him doing so well. Talk about walking with blinders on!

Yes, Rob did bring a lot of debt into our marriage. I blindly accepted it without really considering what it would mean to me. That was my fault. That was not Rob's doing. While it still makes me angry on a bad day, I have accepted that it is there and we, as a couple, are working to pay it off. Yes, without his ex-wife's help or even acknowledgement...but that also is not his fault, well, not completely anyway. :o)

Yes, it was Rob's job that had us move here. However, I was the one who told him to look for a new job and  I agreed to move here. He did not drag me. Of course, if I knew then what I know now...he would have. I don't like it here, but until either one of us finds something better somewhere else or we are out of debt...we're here. Regardless, it's at least another 2 years. When the next move comes, we will look for a place that will be a mutual destination enjoyed by both parties.

My misdirections and lack of a direction has nothing to do with Rob! Period! I had been just walking through life for so long now that I don't even know myself. I don't know what makes me happy, what makes me feel bad...I don't really know why I do half the things that I do. That is why I couldn't pick a direction for my has nothing to do with Rob. It's hard and frustrating and depressing to feel so lost. When you look around and see everyone enjoying their lives and continuously doing one thing after makes you wonder what's wrong with you. Talk about a total self-esteem killer. Of course, realizing that you just don't know yourself well enough to take the steps you need to to achieve that helps a lot.

The last several months have really been an eye opener for me. I have found, on the blogs that I follow, lessons that have truly changed the way that I view myself and life. You would not believe the time that I have started spending on getting to know myself. Being honest with myself about what I enjoy and what I don't enjoy has been a struggle. Just being honest with myself is hard!

I know that this year holds wonderful new things for me. It's only January and I have already changed so much. I am eager to continue this journey and I think that I've made my first stop at SELF discovery.

I am the only one who can change me.
I've found that I would often sit around and say to myself, "oh, I wish I was like her." "I really want to be [this way]." "I don't like [blank] about myself." But I would never do anything to really address those thoughts. I wouldn't even really ask myself why I was doing [blank]. 

I am solely responsible for life's outcome.
I cannot blame Rob anymore. I am where I am because I chose to be there. It's not fair to him or our relationship for me to constantly point fingers. While he might have been the one to start the car, I agreed to go along for the ride. I have to start paying attention to my body's signs and my emotions so that I can better understand myself, so when something comes up I can make a decision based on how it is going to effect me. I have to accept that if I get into a car with someone, it's because I made the decision to do so. It seems like the smartest thing for me to do before getting into the car is thinking about who I am and how it could effect me.

Get to know Jonique
To make decisions at a fork in the road, you have to know where you want to go. To do that, you have to ask yourself. To have an answer, if have to know what you want and to do have to know yourself. I don't want to someone else to know "me" better than I do. Of course, there will always be things that others see that you can't. But that is mostly because you choose not to. The more I know about me, the more I will be able to make educated choices in my daily life. Not to mention, be able to get to know other people. Knowing me and what I like will put me into a position to meet others who enjoy similar things. 

Stay Connected and Get Involved
I have to stay connected with my people. I have to make the time to call and write and even text. While I still don't have any close friends here, I still have my close friends back in Oklahoma. There is no reason that I still can't nourish our friendships from here. It could still provide many benefits. I also have a great sorority that is always looking for volunteers. Doing things that put me out of myself and provide me the opportunity to be around others (and make friends) is a great way to learn about myself. Being involved with the sorority and church could only bring new things to my life.

This blog took a different turn then I had expected when I first thought to address my feelings and thoughts from yesterday. I can't believe how blind I have been and how that has caused such awful feelings to grow within me. I feel horrified to see what I have become. Oh how Rob must love me to put up with my crap. But I see it now. I have identified it and have acknowledged that it is me. My eyes are wide open and I am not liking what I see, but that means I can change it. I have actively make the decision to do differently when those thoughts strike again. I can take responsibility for my role in every choice I make. 

I see it clearer now and oh how the opportunities are unrolling. I think I will be in SELF town for a bit before moving on. Where? I don't know yet, but half the fun is getting there.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Oh jealousy...What a nasty little thing you are

Main Entry: jeal·ou·sy
Pronunciation: \ˈje-lə-sē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural jeal·ou·sies
Date: 13th century

1 : a jealous disposition, attitude, or feeling
2 : zealous vigilance

Jealousy is the only vice that gives no pleasure”

“If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness and fears.”

-Cesare Pavese

While I am definitely not proud of it, I must admit that I have a problem with jealousy. Yuck! It's awful to have to be so truthful. No one likes to believe that they can be a jealous person. Everyone likes to think of themselves as great people, with kind hearts, and likable. Get real...not everyone is all those things. If it were, in fact, true...we would be living Heaven on Earth and that clearly is not the case. At least not from the street that I'm on. 

So my jealousy tends to appear about the time that something is happening with my husband. Most recently it was when he announced that he had a "business" trip out to Las Vegas. Really?! A last minute business trip that is not planned at all, but with the purpose of having a board meeting one of the days out there. So when he first tells me about it the second thing out of his mouth is, "So Jim likes to go to strip clubs, if that happens I want to go." Not really sure how that fits in with a business trip, but whatever. The mere fact that he's telling me that he wants to go is a whole other blog all together. 

Well, I resigned to just go with the flow. There was nothing that I could do about it and really when I thought about it, what was the big deal anyway. I made the decision that I was going to be supportive of the trip and continue with my personal changes. One of them is to express my love for my spouse through how I talk to/with him. So he leaves on a jet plane on Wednesday and honestly, I was okay with it. When I would feel it trying to creep up on me, I would take a deep breath and be resolved to move forward. It was working and I was doing well. Then last night I was exchanging texts with my husband right before bed and this is how it went:

 "don't be jealous, but Jim is talking about taking a select few to see Garth...I'm stoked." 
"Who? Garth as in Garth Brooks"
 "You know it...I'm excited"

Now anyone who is from the Midwest, especially Oklahoma, knows who Garth Brooks is. It's his home state and whatnot. If you're a country music fan, Garth Brooks is like the Hank Williams of our generation. He was retired and there was talk about him coming out of retirement. Apparently, he did and is in Vegas. Seeing as how I enjoy country music and was, well, raised on it...seeing Garth Brooks would be an amazing opportunity. My husband...well, Garth Brooks is about his extent of country music. I'm exaggerating here...but his country music taste is limited. First, to start the text with "don't be jealous.." that is a clue and who would not be jealous when you hear that someone you know is might get to see Garth Brooks in concert! 

Needless to say, I was jealous. I was angry and jealous. I was quickly becoming a very unhappy wife. Angry thoughts were rushing through my head. 

"Why is it always him? Why am I the one who is always left home. 
I am the one who hates living here. Why am I the one who has be stuck here. 
When we got to together my life just kept going down and his has just kept getting better. 
How is that possible? 
Because of this debt...that was created by my husband and his ex-wife...I am not doing what I want to do. They were irresponsible, not me. 
She should be the one helping to pay of this debt and he should be the one sitting at home. 
But no, she's not paying and he's not at home. 
His job has him traveling all over the place, all the time!

I did try to take some deep, calming breaths to regain focus. For one, he said talking about seeing wasn't definite. With all these negative thoughts pushing their way around my head, I had to sit and read for a bit. I had to take my mind off of it and relax again or I was never going to get any sleep. Of course, before that I sent my sister a text asking about their cruise I thought they were going on in February. If he was going to get to go on all these mini-vacations, then I was taking one too. Screw the budget. I'm not going to sit here anymore!! Fast my book and then fell asleep.

Now last night, Rob had sent another text stated that Garth was sold out. When I got around to reading it, I had two rather different was of vindication! Ha, teach you. But that one was quickly replaced by guilt. Awful, awful guilt. What kind of wife was I? What kind of person was I? Why would I not want my husband to have a good time and enjoy himself? Did I not what him to? Of course not. I want him to be happy. I want him to be able to enjoy things. What I don't want is for him to enjoy things without me. What I don't want is for him to get to have all these amazing opportunities without me...and I get left behind. Still never experiencing anything. Still stuck in unhappiness. That's what I didn't want. So I felt bad about it, but decided to forgive myself. I thought it would be a good idea to talk to Rob about it and go from there. Throughout the day, however, my thoughts of unfairness were bubbling below the surface. I was still blaming him for my unhappiness and an occasionally accusation would push into my active thinking. I was still determined to talk to him about it, to apologize for my behavior. 

When he finally woke up and called, he sounded kinda down. We talked a little about this and a little about that. It was bothering me that he seemed upset, so I asked him about it. He wasn't having the best of time. While the trip was a company "get together", the company wasn't offering any money to do anything. He could use his company card for necessities, but not for activities like going to a show or gambling...anything like that. Because of our budget and it not being planned for...he has no money to do anything. If he is not doing something with the group, then he was back at his hotel room; which is not one of luxury. Incredibly slow internet, small t.v., no fridge.... He was frustrated that the company insisted that they come out, but didn't think to include money for activities. Unlike the other guys, he's not getting an extra retirement checking coming in and we are living on a budget. Overall, I think he was feeling a little left out; as well as, frustrated that the company didn't think of such things. 

Hearing him talk about how he was feeling made me feel even more guilty than before. He was having to deal with the constraints of the budget and feeling a bit left out too. He wasn't having the amazing vacation that I was picturing in my head. It did help put it more into prospect. 

Looking back on my behavior, especially my thoughts, I am more embarrassed than ever. I am ashamed of my behavior and can't believe I was so childish. How could I find even the slightest bit of enjoyment out of my love's disappointment?! How awful jealousy can be. How terrible that I let it get the best of me. 

I have made it to the point of being able to recognize it and do what I can to address it right away or deal with it after the fact. I love my husband...but I don't love my jealousy. I long to be rid of it. I know that it would be silly to believe that I will never feel a slight pang of jealousy again; but, if only a slight pang every now and again was all I felt...I would be embracing the difference. I look toward the future in hope of these feelings being long past...but until that time comes, I will be raging a war on it...winning some, losing some...but continuing regardless. The battle will be won and I will be victorious.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.  (Romans 12:15)

Monday, January 18, 2010

Only Thursday

My week is slowly, and I mean snail pace slowly, moving along. I can't believe that I am only on "Thursday" of my work week. Weeks like this drain me. Every fiber of my being is dry and cracked, however, I am encouraged. Yesterday the wind that blew through the windows of my patrol car were pleasant. The air smelled fresh and the rain only came sporadically. I prayed fiercely yesterday before work, asking God to show me His path and making the resolve to go to work and be the best officer that God made Jonique to be. I told myself that I was doing God's work and until He was ready for me to move on that I had to do my "chore" as best as possible. It did work. I had a sense of peace throughout the shift.

Today I sit with the same feelings of dread heavy on my heart. I am trying to comfort myself with the knowledge that soon my "weekend" will be here and that it will be 4 days, since I took two extra days off. I will pray and make the same resolve as yesterday. Setting out on my assignment once again. 

I long for the call from the HR of pending applications to setup an interview, but until that happens...I will soldier on.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Monday Morning Pressures

I have made the commitment to make this a year of change. I believe that I am doing a good work and each day I feel a bit better about myself and the journey that I have started. All the knowledge that I've been gaining about happiness has been eye opening; however, there is one thing that I find myself coming across daily. Happiness at work/in your career. Everyone talks about this and there have been several posts on the blogs I follow, as well as, KLove about people who really dislike their jobs and have found such happiness in quiting...either to start their own business or to pursue a life long dream. It is written everywhere that one important part of being happy is finding happiness in the things you do, to include your job.

And that's where I am at now. I am trying to make the necessary changes in my life and the biggest hurdle that I have is my job. My "Sundays" are full of anxiety about returning to work the following day. I spend the time before work dreading my departure. I can't imagine spending another 8 hours in a car, driving around, by myself. We hardly ever have it makes for a very long day. My weekends don't come soon enough, but even those aren't sacred. I often find myself going to court on those days. Just this past 3 day, I spend 2 of them in court.

I long for a Monday through Friday job with regular hours. I can't keep doing this constant changeover. Every two weeks going from days to evenings. It's reeking havoc on my body clock. The stress of the job is enough to worry about without the stress of going to work and changeover.

One night after a rather upsetting evening at work, I came home to find on the computer a few jobs that Rob had pulled up for me. Both Library Technician positions in the Norfolk area. Be still my heart. I applied to both even though they are requesting experience in Libraries and knowledge of that nature; however, I figured that there was nothing left to lose. It's been a week and I really am anxious to hear from either of them. One is with the National Defense University and the other is with USR. Since both companies are with the government, I like to tell myself that they will require at least two weeks to look through all the applications and go from there. With that mindset, it gives the companies about three to four weeks to setup an interview. It also gives me after day. For instance, today is a Saturday so I can safely say that I will not hear from anyone today or tomorrow. Then my anxiety goes away until Monday. :o)

I find that I pray daily for the Lord to open this door for me, letting me out of the grind that I am now in; however, I fear that I might not have finished whatever task He has me in this job for. Resulting in my prayers going unanswered at this time and me dragging myself to and from work for what feels like eternity. I want to let Him lead...but boy, oh boy, it is hard!

Pray that the Lord will have mercy on me and provide a new opportunity for me soon and for the strength for me to continue on this path until He does open another door.

Friday, January 1, 2010


Happy New Year! Wow, I can’t believe it’s 2010. It seems like time is passing quicker than ever. My ten year high school reunion is this year, which really amazes me. I cannot believe that I graduated so long ago and yet I don’t feel old at all. Sometimes I find myself still thinking, acting, and feeling like a 22 year old.
I’ve often found it hard to “feel” like an adult. Here I am about to turn 28 in March and I have yet to think of myself as a career woman and still find myself stuck in the typical college wear. Poor Rob is constantly pushing for me to dress more like a woman, as he calls it, then a college student. I guess I have to admit, to myself more than anyone else, that I am stuck on campus. I’ve been afraid to move into adulthood and take control of my life and turn it into what I want it to be. But not anymore!

Today is the start of my journey of rediscovery that I’ve been working toward for the last few months. I am ready to get behind the wheel and take full control of my life…with God’s map…and hit the road of life with the top down and radio blasting.

A couple of days ago, I went through my closet and removed several items that I no longer wear and no longer need to wear…my husband was so supportive that he helped picking the items…lol. I replaced many of my t-shirts (not all of them…I love them too much) with more confidence, power, and grown up inducing apparel.

I’m still embracing my immature, college girl; however, that’s to learn and grown. Teach her new things and gradually become the adult that I know I can be, so I don’t feel like I’m faking it.

This is going to be a great year with amazing changes and growth for me. I know that there will be many struggles, but I know that they will be worth every learning experience that they bring with them. I pray that this is also a start to a happy and prosperous new year for my friends, family, and you, who are reading this. I am exciting about my journey and am so happy to be here…ready to change…ready to grow and learn…and most of all, ready to be happy…happy with my life and happy with me.