Monday, March 15, 2010
These past few weeks have had me thinking a lot about the bonds between people. Everyone in your life you have some sort of bond with or they wouldn't be in your life, right? Makes sense to me. Well, what got me thinking about this is the bond between Rob and I. Husband and wife bonds are more unique than any other. The bond is love, but not friendship love or family love. It's the not love that you have for your best friends or your parents, sisters, babies, etc.; even though it is a very similar love. It's a special love that joins two people together including friendship love and family love all in one. Now the bond between husband and wife is strong. Built on trials, adventures, and lazy Saturdays. This bond starts from the very first date and strengthens with each passing day, fact learned, and fight forgiven. This bond is stronger and more important than all others. It's the first bond in a family. Husband and wife.
Now what happens when that bond isn't foster as it should? What happens when during the bonding moments something dramatic interrupts the connection? What happens to a couple when their bond is not woven together as it should be, but rather has loops throughout their rope?
Rob and I never had the opportunity to create a bond forged by dates and normal fights. When our coupledom started, we were already fighting the biggest battle a relationship could ever have. It was an awful situation and one that I should have walked away from. Any bond that had formed was ravaged and destroyed by his lies, yet, I fought for it. Why? Because of love? Because of fear of being alone? Because of fear of being wrong? All three I would say.
So our bond in the beginning...the most important part...was destroyed by selfishness. Yet we started again...however, it was never the same. That selfishness had destroyed everything. But we both fought for our love. Fought for what we both wanted building and destroying and starting over. Finally, building had started and was moving forward...making memories and taking small steps. Slowly building that bond. Then the moment of truth came...make the commitment or separate. We all know what happened.
Now here is the funny part. I've seen people come into my husband's life, friends he's had for years, and I see the bond between them. I see the strength that was forged through war and courage. Through a love of something that they believe in. Then I look at the bond between him and his ex-wife forged by their children. Finally, I look at ours and wonder to myself if it's as strong as these others. I ask this because deep down I have doubts. Doubts that I made the right decision. Doubts that he is who I am truly supposed to be with.
Now I don't doubt that I love him, because I do. I don't love the fact that he has been married before. I don't love that he has children. Mostly, I don't love that I will never be the most important person in his life...to my husband. Not at the beginning, not right after marriage, not right now, not ever. I found myself thinking about this every now and again. Why would I put myself in a situation that I didn't want? What was I thinking? How would my life be different if I had made a different choice? Would I still be alone? Would I ever find someone to love me?
Then I find myself plotting. Plotting to find that love and connection that we should have. I tell myself, "once we get to the point where we are ready for children, then we will have that connection. I will be the mother of his children. We will have that bond. That sacred bond that he shares with his ex, except ours will be better and stronger because we are married." Crazy, right?
I know that most of these thoughts and feelings are brought on by my own insecurities and exasperated by my search for who I am. When you don't have a full grip on who you are, it's hard to know where you fit in everyone's life. But should that feeling cross a bond as special and unique as a husband and wife? I don't know, but I do know that the more I discover about myself, the more I see areas in Rob that I don't appreciate. He'll tell me about my feelings and thoughts and actions and how they are wrong. He makes me feel uncomfortable with being myself at times. I know that I don't like that. It all comes back to me questioning if I made my choices for the right reasons. I hate feeling like the third wheel in my own marriage. I hate that I will never be the most important person to my husband ever. I hate that I feel like I'm competing for love and attention when my stepchildren are around. I hate that they are not mine and his. I hate that he has a sacred bond with another woman that we don't have. I hate that this whole other world existed before us.
One thing that I do know...I will not be making the same mistake twice. I will follow my instinct regardless. I will not quiet my voice because of fear. I am here. Married to my husband whom I do love and whom I do want to have my own children with. I am here. Pushing to find myself and to know myself. I am here. Determined to create a bond between husband and wife that is stronger than any title, based on the love shown to me by God. Loving my husband to the best of my ability and making our life the best that it can be.
Did I make a mistake by staying with Rob? Did I make a mistake by marrying a man who has two children from another woman? Did I make a mistake by putting myself in a situation where I would not be most important? I will never know, because those are the choices that I made and I am here now. Regardless of what could have been, this is what is and I am going to make the most of it. I will never doubt my "checks" again and that's how I am going to live my life. I am going to love myself, my husband, and our relationship for what it is, knowing that the Lord will bless it with happiness and love...regardless of anything else. I am right where I am supposed to be. A wrong turn or not. I just wish it wasn't so hard sometimes.