This morning I woke up to find some forward emails in my inbox. One from the ex-wife, with hubby's reply, and one that he wrote to his children. Not the way that I want to start my day, but the fact that he remembered to send it was encouraging.
We have struggled with this aspect of our relationship. Having another female emailing your husband is unnerving, regardless of the "connection" and seeing how in the beginning...the frequency and emotional content...well, let's just say it can be very trying. There were so many times that I would read one and get angry, which led to a fight. I was furious that at his reaction to them, his replies, and the fact that he had an incredible hard time seeing anything she did as over the line. He was upset that I was so upset. That I was being understanding. That I couldn't just understand that she was the mother of his children. So on and so forth. There would be times when he wouldn't tell me about the emails. He would agree to things and bring it up later. More fighting. Anyway, we have worked hard to get to the point where he includes me in their exchanges. He still worries about my reaction, but pushes the emails through anyway. Surprisingly, I handle them better because I don't feel as left out. I don't feel like there is something going on behind my back.
So this morning, I read the email from the ex. It was about her newest boyfriend and how he has been hanging out with her and the kids a lot and it's getting serious....then it included hubby's reply. Same as all the others...asking basic details about the new guy and making sure that he knows his place in the kids' lives. In his reply, he chose to include a comparison or two with our relationship and it made me angry. They way he handles this sort of thing has always bothered me, but the comparisons really pushed me over the edge. Not once has he handled her new boyfriends anywhere close to how she handled our relationship and not once has she handled hers the way that she treated ours! How dare he compare her new fling with where we are in our relationship! We are married and have been together going on 4 years! How dare he invalidate our relationship in that manner. We were living together for over a year before I met his children. I had to have a meeting with her first. Then I had to go over to their house and spend a few hours there, so they could get to know me, before we took them with us. I spent the day at their house for his son's birthday party...while she and her friends talked about me in the kitchen. How dare he....
Needless to say, I have very strong feelings about the way that they each have decided to handle her relationships. He's "whatever" and she's introducing a new guy after only a few months when they aren't serious. I just don't get it.
So I am angry. I am hurt. I wanted to email him back and tell him how angry I was, but I didn't. I did not want to take another step back caused by something that cannot be changed. I just took a deep breath and reminded myself that he shared the email. He's trying. As for my feelings, I'll just share them here because he will never understand and it will never change. It's all about being accepting of the situation and not letting it bring you down. Not letting his past effect my future. Thankfully, bring my thoughts and feelings here has made me feeling better. Now when he comes home from work, we can have a good day with no fights.
Part II:
As I already mentioned, I also had an email waiting that he send to his children. Now this is the first time that I have ever had one of these, so I'm not really sure of his motivation. Never have I asked to be included in this correspondence and never has he shown any interest in doing so. These email was entitled Re: I love you. Surprisingly, it was quite a long one (about the length of Part I) and it turns out that the entire thing was him expressing his love to them. Anyone how has read my previous post Does He or Doesn't He, or any recent one for that matter, knows my thoughts, anxiety, and doubts when it comes to that area of our lives, so you can imagine how I felt reading an endless email about his love and devotion to them. After the first email, this one pretty much shattered what was left of my calm. I even cried a bit.
"I know the situation as it is now is not the best when it comes to us being together (you, Gabey and me) but you can trust in the fact that I am working on both ends (here and with your mom) to make it better."
and
"My heart is full of joy because I know you two live and breath. I work to ensure that mommy gets the money she needs to keep you two well taken care of because right now that is what I can do consistently do without fail, but you two [are] more than the money I send out, you are my children, my love, my life."
What am I supposed to say to that? How am I supposed to feel? I don't know what the correct way is, but I do know that it makes me feel separate, a third wheel, loved less...not like a beloved wife. That email torn at my most tender spot and I am left hurt and feeling alone. I know that he was not trying to hurt me with his words and chances are he was not considering my feelings at all when he emailed them. I know he doesn't read this blog, so I am sure that he is not anymore aware of my feelings than he was when we discussed them last. He was just trying to share with me, but ended up breaking my heart in pieces.
Will I ever feel loved like I need? Will I ever feel like my husband wants children with me and can love us like he does the children he already has? Will I ever feel most important to anyone?
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