Emails

Am I ever going to be okay with it? Am I ever going to just move past the past?


This morning I woke up to find some forward emails in my inbox. One from the ex-wife, with hubby's reply, and one that he wrote to his children. Not the way that I want to start my day, but the fact that he remembered to send it was encouraging. 


We have struggled with this aspect of our relationship. Having another female emailing your husband is unnerving, regardless of the "connection" and seeing how in the beginning...the frequency and emotional content...well, let's just say it can be very trying. There were so many times that I would read one and get angry, which led to a fight. I was furious that at his reaction to them, his replies, and the fact that he had an incredible hard time seeing anything she did as over the line. He was upset that I was so upset. That I was being understanding. That I couldn't just understand that she was the mother of his children. So on and so forth. There would be times when he wouldn't tell me about the emails. He would agree to things and bring it up later. More fighting. Anyway, we have worked hard to get to the point where he includes me in their exchanges. He still worries about my reaction, but pushes the emails through anyway. Surprisingly, I handle them better because I don't feel as left out. I don't feel like there is something going on behind my back. 


So this morning, I read the email from the ex. It was about her newest boyfriend and how he has been hanging out with her and the kids a lot and it's getting serious....then it included hubby's reply. Same as all the others...asking basic details about the new guy and making sure that he knows his place in the kids' lives. In his reply, he chose to include a comparison or two with our relationship and it made me angry. They way he handles this sort of thing has always bothered me, but the comparisons really pushed me over the edge. Not once has he handled her new boyfriends anywhere close to how she handled our relationship and not once has she handled hers the way that she treated ours! How dare he compare her new fling with where we are in our relationship! We are married and have been together going on 4 years! How dare he invalidate our relationship in that manner. We were living together for over a year before I met his children. I had to have a meeting with her first. Then I had to go over to their house and spend a few hours there, so they could get to know me, before we took them with us. I spent the day at their house for his son's birthday party...while she and her friends talked about me in the kitchen. How dare he....


Needless to say, I have very strong feelings about the way that they each have decided to handle her relationships. He's "whatever" and she's introducing a new guy after only a few months when they aren't serious. I just don't get it.


So I am angry. I am hurt. I wanted to email him back and tell him how angry I was, but I didn't. I did not want to take another step back caused by something that cannot be changed. I just took a deep breath and reminded myself that he shared the email. He's trying. As for my feelings, I'll just share them here because he will never understand and it will never change. It's all about being accepting of the situation and not letting it bring you down. Not letting his past effect my future. Thankfully, bring my thoughts and feelings here has made me feeling better. Now when he comes home from work, we can have a good day with no fights. 


Part II:


As I already mentioned, I also had an email waiting that he send to his children. Now this is the first time that I have ever had one of these, so I'm not really sure of his motivation. Never have I asked to be included in this correspondence and never has he shown any interest in doing so. These email was entitled Re: I love you. Surprisingly, it was quite a long one (about the length of Part I) and it turns out that the entire thing was him expressing his love to them. Anyone how has read my previous post Does He or Doesn't He, or any recent one for that matter, knows my thoughts, anxiety, and doubts when it comes to that area of our lives, so you can imagine how I felt reading an endless email about his love and devotion to them. After the first email, this one pretty much shattered what was left of my calm. I even cried a bit.

"I know the situation as it is now is not the best when it comes to us being together (you, Gabey and me) but you can trust in the fact that I am working on both ends (here and with your mom) to make it better."

and

"My heart is full of joy because I know you two live and breath.  I work to ensure that mommy gets the money she needs to keep you two well taken care of because right now that is what I can do consistently do without fail, but you two [are] more than the money I send out, you are my children, my love, my life." 

What am I supposed to say to that? How am I supposed to feel? I don't know what the correct way is, but I do know that it makes me feel separate, a third wheel, loved less...not like a beloved wife. That email torn at my most tender spot and I am left hurt and feeling alone. I know that he was not trying to hurt me with his words and chances are he was not considering my feelings at all when he emailed them. I know he doesn't read this blog, so I am sure that he is not anymore aware of my feelings than he was when we discussed them last. He was just trying to share with me, but ended up breaking my heart in pieces. 

Will I ever feel loved like I need? Will I ever feel like my husband wants children with me and can love us like he does the children he already has? Will I ever feel most important to anyone?

Coat of many colors...

I am a newlywed...a wife. While I've been with my now husband for 3.5 years this January, I have only carried the title...or patch if you will...of Mrs for 2 short months. I'm growing accustom to my new last name and calling him husband opposed to fiancé. Furthermore, we have lived together for nearly the entire relationship, so there is not much different in our daily lives. However there was a huge change. The biggest and most stressful part of our union is another "patch" that was tacked on the minute I said "I do". I am now a new STEPMOM to two young children, Adrianna (7 yrs old) and Gabe (4 yrs old).

Going back to the beginning of my relationship with Rob, I had no idea he had children...let alone that he was married. Had I know about them, I can say that I would not have given him a second thought, which is part of the reason he chose not to tell me. Once I did find out, I had serious reservations, but let my heart win out. I loved him...well, love.

I could easily say that I am not a kid person. I've always liked my space and I really dislike whining. However, I don't detest children as a whole. Just like with adults, I find children that I adore. I've always been the type of person that as soon as I meet you, I either like you or I don't and that goes for both children and adults. So I can meet two children at the same time and like one and not the other. For instance, a fellow officer has a little girl, Rachel, and I absolutely love her. She is the cutest little thing and when I look at her I just smile all over.

So when Rob finally got around to telling me that he had children...not one, but two...I was devastated. Of course, there is so much more to that story. He knew that I wasn't a kid person, but he was positive that I would absolutely love his. They are smart and kind and polite and well-mannered. Pretty much the same spiel that you would get from any other loving parent. I have yet to hear someone say that their children are horrid little beasts. I, of course, was skeptical for more reasons than one. With the kids also comes a mom....but that is for another day.

After two years of being together, I finally met them and like with every situation there is good and bad. His children were attractive, mannered children like he had stated; however, that did not change my first meeting selection process. I found that I did not particularly care much for his daughter, but I was good with his son. I've labored over this for quite some time...is it because his daughter is a mirror image of her mother and his son, him? Is it because his daughter was all over him the whole time and constantly daddy this and daddy that? Or is it just my behavioral pattern? I find that it is probably a little of each...plus some.

Rob and I find his children and ex-wife to be the biggest and nastiest war zone in our coupling. It's near impossible to explain to your spouse, or anyone for that matter, what it is like having to share your partner with children that are not part of you. To share them with another woman and know that they have a bond that even you don't share. Through all the different situations that have arisen and fights fought, I've come to somewhat resent their existence in my relationship. What they represent both past and present.

I find myself miserable when trying to riffle through all the thoughts in my head. The logical vs. the emotional is a constant conflict. I can continuously tell myself that they are children and are not out to destroy my marriage or my life and give several intelligent reasons why that is true. But my emotions still flare up with hurt, loneliness, anger, and jealousy. This battle has left me drained, unhappy, and dreading the future. The battle has slowly, but severely, chipped away at me...at my affection for my husband...and at our overall relationship. His inability to understand where I'm coming from and mine to accept the inevitable.

Now with this new journey of mine, I have decided that the best policy is to be honest with my feelings about the situation, as well as, to gain as much insight as possible.

Over the last year and a half, I've spent more time with them and have grown to accept his son's presence much quicker than his daughter's. I've read a couple of books about stepmothering and searched the internet to find answers and most recently started finding blogs for stepfamilies and specifically for stepmothers. I need support to grow and mature in this new patch that has been sown onto my coat. I need a place with people that I can vent to without worrying about what kind of person they think I am...someone outside of my relationship and the children. While I have my friends, who I know will let me vent, I need people who have been in my shoes and understand my feelings. Through all the reading and research, I've come to realize that it's okay if I don't like them right away...or ever...we just have to show respect for each other and treat each other well. While I am not willing to give up on any positive relationship with my stepdaughter, I am okay with what it is and where is it for now.

Week 1 of Married Life

Well, here we are at the beginning of our lives together. It's been 5 days thus far and I can honestly say that nothing is different. I'm sure that has to do with the fact that we have been living together for 2 1/2 years and playing house the whole time.; however, everyone always says that marriage is different than just living together. I guess I'll see how different in the coming months. So this is what has happened in the last five days of marriage...we'll start on the Big Day!

09-20-09

My family is...well...my family and no matter what the task or event is something will happen. And no, my wedding was not excluded.  To start the day off...we were an hour late to the salon for hair and makeup. My dad managed to lose the valet ticket for the car and when we were finally able to get the car, we had to find Amy's hotel...which took a bit longer than expected. So one hour later, we showed up at the salon and it went from there. Besides being an hour behind...everything turned out wonderfully. The ceremony site was absolutely stunning, the photographers were amazing, the cake and reception food was delicious! We had a fantastic time dancing and hanging out with everyone. All of our favorite people were there and it was the most fun either of us have had in a long time!

09-21-09

We slept in!! It was wonderful. The whole time we were in Vegas is was go go go and we were getting in so late/early and having to get up early to get things accomplished. It was crazy and I was so tired. We were able to get all the leftovers and such back to our other suite and have lunch with Steve & Erin before they headed off. It was a great time and I'm so happy to have met Erin! She is awesome and so much fun! I can't wait for us all to get together again. We also headed out to Fremont St. and enjoyed some more time with Amy & Brynn. I was so tired though, we called it an early night and headed back to our hotel. I went straight to slept and Rob hit the tables. (-200 at this point...  :o} )

09-22-09

Rob and I went out on the town...well, strip. We decided it was time to sightsee. We stopped at the M&M Factory, where we met Amy & Brynn. It was fun to see all the stuff they have there...4 floors of stuff! Then we headed to Hard Rock, so I could get a shirt. I actually ended up getting a pair of short sweatpants instead. I love them...they are going to be awesome in the winter. Very comfy. After that, we headed to Paris Hotel and Casino to go up to the Eiffel Tower. We were able to see the Bellagio Fountains and the whole strip. We ended up with some really great pictures. The Bellagio Conservatory was our next stop. They change it every season and since it's September it was already setup for fall. The decorations were like nothing I'd expect in a hotel...that's for sure. There were peppers and flowers growing everywhere. Amazing. We decided to end our day with another showing of the Bellagio Fountains from eye level and then headed back to the hotel to get ready for dinner. Melodie and Rob took us out to dinner for to celebrate our union. Haha. The food was yummy and the atmosphere was very relaxed. It was a good night.

09-23-09

We flew home...it was long and exhausting. It was good to be home and see Jack. He missed us so much and was so excited that we were home that he never let us out of his sight. It was great to sleep in our own bed. I ended up sleeping for 12 hours...it was wonderful! I didn't even hear Rob get up for work. I guess after a week of bad sleep I earned it!

09-24-09

Nothing to report. I stayed at home and worked on getting pictures posted of our wedding and the trip. Other than that, we just sat around...once he came home from work.

And now today:

Well, today we found out that even though our officiant is a Reverend and licensed to marry people in the whole US, Nevada requires them to have a certificate issued in Nevada. We did not have this certificate, so Rob called the clerks office in Clark County to get further information and it turns out that without the certificate we are not technically married. So what the clerk told us to do is send in the signed marriage license and certificate that we had filled out at the ceremony first. Then have the officiant fill out the application for the temporary certificate required by the state of Nevada and send in that application, a copy of the marriage license and certificate, and a letter to the director to explain what happened. She said that this might work and they might go ahead and recognize the marriage. Since it's Friday, we have to wait until Monday to get everything in. I mailed out the originials today, so that it will be on record. Lyn, our officiant, filled out the application and is getting it notorized & mailing it to us on Monday. 4 days after, we'll have everything in our hand. Then we'll take everything and send it to Vegas and hope that everything works out. If not then we'll have to change our wedding date and head to the Justice of the Peace. UGH! I really hope that doesn't happen. I should have done my research better, but too late for that. Wish us luck!

Other than that, there is nothing left to report. All is well here and Rob will be home from work soon. I need to start dinner.