Emails

Am I ever going to be okay with it? Am I ever going to just move past the past?


This morning I woke up to find some forward emails in my inbox. One from the ex-wife, with hubby's reply, and one that he wrote to his children. Not the way that I want to start my day, but the fact that he remembered to send it was encouraging. 


We have struggled with this aspect of our relationship. Having another female emailing your husband is unnerving, regardless of the "connection" and seeing how in the beginning...the frequency and emotional content...well, let's just say it can be very trying. There were so many times that I would read one and get angry, which led to a fight. I was furious that at his reaction to them, his replies, and the fact that he had an incredible hard time seeing anything she did as over the line. He was upset that I was so upset. That I was being understanding. That I couldn't just understand that she was the mother of his children. So on and so forth. There would be times when he wouldn't tell me about the emails. He would agree to things and bring it up later. More fighting. Anyway, we have worked hard to get to the point where he includes me in their exchanges. He still worries about my reaction, but pushes the emails through anyway. Surprisingly, I handle them better because I don't feel as left out. I don't feel like there is something going on behind my back. 


So this morning, I read the email from the ex. It was about her newest boyfriend and how he has been hanging out with her and the kids a lot and it's getting serious....then it included hubby's reply. Same as all the others...asking basic details about the new guy and making sure that he knows his place in the kids' lives. In his reply, he chose to include a comparison or two with our relationship and it made me angry. They way he handles this sort of thing has always bothered me, but the comparisons really pushed me over the edge. Not once has he handled her new boyfriends anywhere close to how she handled our relationship and not once has she handled hers the way that she treated ours! How dare he compare her new fling with where we are in our relationship! We are married and have been together going on 4 years! How dare he invalidate our relationship in that manner. We were living together for over a year before I met his children. I had to have a meeting with her first. Then I had to go over to their house and spend a few hours there, so they could get to know me, before we took them with us. I spent the day at their house for his son's birthday party...while she and her friends talked about me in the kitchen. How dare he....


Needless to say, I have very strong feelings about the way that they each have decided to handle her relationships. He's "whatever" and she's introducing a new guy after only a few months when they aren't serious. I just don't get it.


So I am angry. I am hurt. I wanted to email him back and tell him how angry I was, but I didn't. I did not want to take another step back caused by something that cannot be changed. I just took a deep breath and reminded myself that he shared the email. He's trying. As for my feelings, I'll just share them here because he will never understand and it will never change. It's all about being accepting of the situation and not letting it bring you down. Not letting his past effect my future. Thankfully, bring my thoughts and feelings here has made me feeling better. Now when he comes home from work, we can have a good day with no fights. 


Part II:


As I already mentioned, I also had an email waiting that he send to his children. Now this is the first time that I have ever had one of these, so I'm not really sure of his motivation. Never have I asked to be included in this correspondence and never has he shown any interest in doing so. These email was entitled Re: I love you. Surprisingly, it was quite a long one (about the length of Part I) and it turns out that the entire thing was him expressing his love to them. Anyone how has read my previous post Does He or Doesn't He, or any recent one for that matter, knows my thoughts, anxiety, and doubts when it comes to that area of our lives, so you can imagine how I felt reading an endless email about his love and devotion to them. After the first email, this one pretty much shattered what was left of my calm. I even cried a bit.

"I know the situation as it is now is not the best when it comes to us being together (you, Gabey and me) but you can trust in the fact that I am working on both ends (here and with your mom) to make it better."

and

"My heart is full of joy because I know you two live and breath.  I work to ensure that mommy gets the money she needs to keep you two well taken care of because right now that is what I can do consistently do without fail, but you two [are] more than the money I send out, you are my children, my love, my life." 

What am I supposed to say to that? How am I supposed to feel? I don't know what the correct way is, but I do know that it makes me feel separate, a third wheel, loved less...not like a beloved wife. That email torn at my most tender spot and I am left hurt and feeling alone. I know that he was not trying to hurt me with his words and chances are he was not considering my feelings at all when he emailed them. I know he doesn't read this blog, so I am sure that he is not anymore aware of my feelings than he was when we discussed them last. He was just trying to share with me, but ended up breaking my heart in pieces. 

Will I ever feel loved like I need? Will I ever feel like my husband wants children with me and can love us like he does the children he already has? Will I ever feel most important to anyone?

Does He or Doesn't He

 

Tomorrow is my 28th birthday! Not really a milestone, but 28 is almost 30. LOL..but I'm not worried. The big 30 isn't scary to me. I'm hoping the closer that I get to it the more grown up I'll feel.

Life is funny. I was just texting with one of my greatest friends about that. We were talking about how far we've come since college. She is pregnant with her first baby! She is having a girl and due in July. I couldn't be happier for her. I know that she will be a great mom and I am excited to meet the little one...whenever that is.

My birthday approaching and talking with her made me think about my future plans. I can honestly say that I expected to have at least one kiddo by now. In my life plan I was going to be married by 25 (didn't happen until 27) and start with the family by 27 (turning 28 with no projected outcome). It seems like everyday another friend is posting a picture of a pregnancy test and announcing the good news. I can't help but feel left out. I finally understand that damn clock and I find it frustrating. LOL. What is more frustrating than that is my desire to have one. There is a part of me that is ready...wanting to take that step and begin; however, there is also that part that is worried that I am not ready yet. Still too selfish with too much to do. Finish my masters, travel, etc.

That wasn't always the case and I believe that my uncertainty comes from my situation with my husband. I remember this conversation that we had when we were first getting to know each other. We were in Alabama, walking from the car to the restaurant and talking about kids. This is how the conversation went:

Me: How many kids do you want?

Him: 2, a boy and a girl

Me: oh, weird. You're probably the only guy I know who actually has that figured out.

(My thoughts: "perfect...this is definitely my future husband.")

At that time, I was excited about all the possibilities that our relationship held and children were a big part of that. I can say that I was truly happy at that moment.

Then fast forward to the fact that he already had two children...boy and girl...to a conversation in Tacoma at the Melting Pot about 3 months after we started living together...now I don't remember the whole conversation, but we were once again talking about having children and he made a statement that has stuck with me. Probably because it was devastating to me...LOL. We were talking about having children and I'm sure that I was saying something about him waiting more children...bring up the conversation in Alabama. He said to me [paraphrasing] "well, I'm okay without having more children. I have fulfilled my need, but if you wanted to have children then I'd be will to." I think what made that statement so devastating was that while he wasn't saying that he didn't want anymore children, he was saying that his desire was filled. 

Step ahead to the last year and when we discuss it, he has it in his head that we won't be starting a family for 3-5 years. He wants us to be ready. 3-5 years!! Can you believe that...he wants me to wait another 3-5 years. When "they" decided to have "their" children, "they" planned it out. Each child...yet "they" talked about divorce about a year or so after the first one was born and were having problems up until about 6 months to a year before "they" DECIDED to have the second. "They" talked about divorce again before that child turned 1! That was the final talk because after that we met and so on. "They" waited until "they" were ready, but apparently not really. It's frustrating. 

I know bring children into this world is a big responsibility and can be a blessing to a marriage, but can also put a lot of strain on one. I understand that and I know we are not ready right now to have a baby. I would just like the opportunity to plan our family and life around us and not have to build off of his former one. He talks about how great it was that they planned it out and how he wouldn't change a thing and I am so glad it worked out for them that way. On the other hand, I feel like he might be trying to compensate for their issues by putting such a ridiculous timeline on us. But it also brings up fears that he really isn't sure about wanting anymore children, so he's putting it off. (**Note: during some of our recent talks this past year, he has assured me that he does, in fact, want children with me.) Not to mention, that while his need is met...mine isn't. So my clock is busy ticking away and he's perfectly fine because he no longer has that desire; therefore, waiting 3-5 years is nothing for him. You know...*sigh*

This is way we are not ready to have children yet and I believe that his statements and actions have caused me to be uncertain about what I want. I am worried that he really doesn't want more children and that it would be him just doing it to make me happy. Nice thought, but when I have children I want my husband to want them and not just go with it because I want them. He's always talking about what amazing children he already has and how great, special, etc they are...and I believe that if I told him that I didn't want to have children, he would be perfectly okay with that. He wouldn't push for us to display our love for each other through children. He really would be okay with it, which is bothersome for me. Again with the want thing.

So here I sit, going back and forth, about my future family. I know I have my insecurities about myself and my relationship and this could be less of a deal than I am making it. With each new pregnancy post though, I can't help but feel that I am missing out on something and that way our relationship started took something else away from me...something that I didn't realize until now...something very special.

ETA: While in the shower this thought hit me...Rob always tells people that we want children but not for a few years (told his boss just yesterday actually) and I find myself saying that we plan on having children when we're ready...then I actually look for things that I can do and we can do to be ready whether it takes us 6 months, 1 year, or 3 years...that's the difference in our thinking. I'm always looking for ways to make it happen because it is something that I want. A goal. A desire.

Validation!

Wow...it was so good to hear those words leave her lips..."as a single parent you have to do what you have to do." (Ahhhh and the clouds open with a bright light)

Last night, Rob and I went to dinner with a friend of mine who is currently starting the divorce process. She has a little 3 yr old and I think she is the most adorable kid ever. It was a great time with yummy food and some tasty drinks. We spent the time talking about how things were going with her and the new apartment and so on. Through that conversation she said two statements that were music to my ears. The first one is that at 3 years old, Rachel, helps with the chores around the house. She helps pick up, do the dishes, and so on. Now of course she is only 3 so her helping is limited...but it was the mere thought that my friend believes that even at that young age she should learn to do the chores with picking up the house and taking the dishes to the kitchen. I have always believed that at the age of 2 a child should start to learn the importance of cleaning up after themselves by simply having them help pick up their toys with you. As they grow they can eventually do it by themselves. I'm of the mind that children need to be taught to take responsibility for themselves as they grow and develop, so that at the age of 18 they are capabily of caring for themselves when going off to college. I thought I was crazy for thinking that at such a young age it was okay to encourage the children to help around the house and as they get around 5 to give them actual chores that are their sole responsibility like feeding the cat. Age appropriate things, of course. It will build a strong work ethic, which so many people...especially young people...lack. It was wonderfully to hear an actual parent say that they do it.

The second statement was the one quoted in the beginning...as a single parent you have to do what you have to do. She's been taking part time work a couple times a week to make sure that the bills are covered and when she has Rachel, she spends quality time with her. While she would love to be able to stay at home and spend more time with her little girl, she knows that she has a bigger responsibility to that child to provide for her. With that said, she made the decision that with the time they spend together to make it quality. It's what I've always had in my mind with all the people that I know who are single parents. You have to do something. You cannot just wait around for someone else to do it for you.

Rob's ex-wife is not a doer. They have been divorced for 3 years and she is still living at home with her parents. She has been working on her degree since 2007 and yet she is nowhere close to finishing. At first she was just taking one class at a time and until the beginning of 2009 it stayed that way. She finally started taking two classes. The woman does nothing else. She lives at home with no job. She lives off of her dad and Rob's child support. You would think that given the situation...the children are sharing a room, she's 31...that she would be working her butt off and doing whatever she could to make changes; however, that is clearly not the case. Personally, I would go mad living at home with my parents at the age and I would like to believe that I would be doing what I could and taking every advantage available to me to do it with. Rob and I are even providing her with the perfect opportunity to get ahead. When they divorced, we ended up with all of their debt. Rob wanted to give her a chance and didn't want them to have to struggle. So she was debt free and living at home free of charge...what else could a new single mom ask for? It was the perfect setup to move forward. Her parents changed their schedules to help with the kids and help financially and yet here we sit 3 years later and no closer to anything.

It's so frustrating to see someone with no determination and no ambition. Especially someone with two small children.

I was hoping that Rob heard what my friend was saying. That he was listening to a fellow parent in a situation much worse than that of his ex and how she was determined to do what she needed to do; as well as, the fact that children as young as 3 can help out. I have always felt like I was being ridiculed at saying such things and he would often say that I didn't understand because I didn't have children of my own. Well, vindication is mine!

While I know that neither I nor Rob have any real say in the way that his ex lives her life and the everyday activities of the children, I hope that it will give Rob courage to push his children to take more responsibility for themselves and that when the opportunity presents itself...again...to encourage the ex to put some effort forward. If not for herself, but for those children that she claims she makes every decision for.

Coat of many colors...

I am a newlywed...a wife. While I've been with my now husband for 3.5 years this January, I have only carried the title...or patch if you will...of Mrs for 2 short months. I'm growing accustom to my new last name and calling him husband opposed to fiancé. Furthermore, we have lived together for nearly the entire relationship, so there is not much different in our daily lives. However there was a huge change. The biggest and most stressful part of our union is another "patch" that was tacked on the minute I said "I do". I am now a new STEPMOM to two young children, Adrianna (7 yrs old) and Gabe (4 yrs old).

Going back to the beginning of my relationship with Rob, I had no idea he had children...let alone that he was married. Had I know about them, I can say that I would not have given him a second thought, which is part of the reason he chose not to tell me. Once I did find out, I had serious reservations, but let my heart win out. I loved him...well, love.

I could easily say that I am not a kid person. I've always liked my space and I really dislike whining. However, I don't detest children as a whole. Just like with adults, I find children that I adore. I've always been the type of person that as soon as I meet you, I either like you or I don't and that goes for both children and adults. So I can meet two children at the same time and like one and not the other. For instance, a fellow officer has a little girl, Rachel, and I absolutely love her. She is the cutest little thing and when I look at her I just smile all over.

So when Rob finally got around to telling me that he had children...not one, but two...I was devastated. Of course, there is so much more to that story. He knew that I wasn't a kid person, but he was positive that I would absolutely love his. They are smart and kind and polite and well-mannered. Pretty much the same spiel that you would get from any other loving parent. I have yet to hear someone say that their children are horrid little beasts. I, of course, was skeptical for more reasons than one. With the kids also comes a mom....but that is for another day.

After two years of being together, I finally met them and like with every situation there is good and bad. His children were attractive, mannered children like he had stated; however, that did not change my first meeting selection process. I found that I did not particularly care much for his daughter, but I was good with his son. I've labored over this for quite some time...is it because his daughter is a mirror image of her mother and his son, him? Is it because his daughter was all over him the whole time and constantly daddy this and daddy that? Or is it just my behavioral pattern? I find that it is probably a little of each...plus some.

Rob and I find his children and ex-wife to be the biggest and nastiest war zone in our coupling. It's near impossible to explain to your spouse, or anyone for that matter, what it is like having to share your partner with children that are not part of you. To share them with another woman and know that they have a bond that even you don't share. Through all the different situations that have arisen and fights fought, I've come to somewhat resent their existence in my relationship. What they represent both past and present.

I find myself miserable when trying to riffle through all the thoughts in my head. The logical vs. the emotional is a constant conflict. I can continuously tell myself that they are children and are not out to destroy my marriage or my life and give several intelligent reasons why that is true. But my emotions still flare up with hurt, loneliness, anger, and jealousy. This battle has left me drained, unhappy, and dreading the future. The battle has slowly, but severely, chipped away at me...at my affection for my husband...and at our overall relationship. His inability to understand where I'm coming from and mine to accept the inevitable.

Now with this new journey of mine, I have decided that the best policy is to be honest with my feelings about the situation, as well as, to gain as much insight as possible.

Over the last year and a half, I've spent more time with them and have grown to accept his son's presence much quicker than his daughter's. I've read a couple of books about stepmothering and searched the internet to find answers and most recently started finding blogs for stepfamilies and specifically for stepmothers. I need support to grow and mature in this new patch that has been sown onto my coat. I need a place with people that I can vent to without worrying about what kind of person they think I am...someone outside of my relationship and the children. While I have my friends, who I know will let me vent, I need people who have been in my shoes and understand my feelings. Through all the reading and research, I've come to realize that it's okay if I don't like them right away...or ever...we just have to show respect for each other and treat each other well. While I am not willing to give up on any positive relationship with my stepdaughter, I am okay with what it is and where is it for now.