My, oh, my...what have I done. I can't stop thinking about yesterday and all that played out. Of course, my night didn't end as I had hoped. Rob ended up calling me at 10:50 p.m. in a cab with half a dozen drunk guys yelling in the background. I had asked him to call me in the afternoon and would think that it would be common sense to call before going out and getting hammered. What do I know. Either way, I was very irritated and upset at the situation. I was looking forward to getting to talk with him and that did not go as planned. But that is not what I wish to write about.
I was thinking and rethinking about my thoughts yesterday. Seeing them in word form made the implications behind each one more venomous...more angry and more finger pointing then I ever thought I was capable of. I was really blaming Rob for where I am today. Granted, it's not all bad; but it's definitely not where I expected to be!
The one statement that has stuck out at me the most questions why my life has be on a downward spiral while Rob's seems to be pointed to the sky. Whether it was noticed or not, the tone in that statement was accusatory. Since I've been with Rob I have become increasingly unhappy and for good reason. I moved away from my "go to" girls. I had my people who I could call for anything, to go to the movies, hang out, travel...you name it and I had someone to do it with. I settled in Washington reasonable well, with a new possible "go to" girl. Then we packed up in route to Virginia. I believe that it's at that point that everything really heading down.
From day one I was unhappy here and with each passing day it remained unchanged. I found a job and worked with some girls that I enjoyed. On occasion we would get together right after work for some drinks, but nothing really came of that. I soon found myself without any real friends here. I believe that's when I started to sink into a mild depression. I was unhappy where I lived. I was unhappy where I worked and there was still our relationship to deal with. When I quit FBA I was at a complete loss as to what to do with myself. I had no direction, but needed to do something to bring in money. Rob was getting antsy too. He knew we needed the income and was started to stress out about it a bit. That was the time that I made the decision to apply to the police department.
Fun how desperation clouds one's judgement. I remember being on vacation in Asheville and thinking about pursuing the police department. I was constantly trying to talk myself into it. When you have to talk yourself into a job, it's probably not the right one for you. I also remember telling Rob on several different occasions about never wanting to be a police officer. I didn't want to work on the weekends or at night. I didn't like the idea of having to deal with all the crap that they deal with. Plus, not admitting it to him or really to myself...I was afraid. The job was dangerous! However, I managed to convince myself that it was a good stepping stone to get where I was trying to go...federal.
I half-heartedly went through the academy and now here I sit. Dreading work...hating the hours, going to court on my days off, riding around in a car alone for 8 hours....and I tell myself that I knew better. Well, I did. I did know better and had I actually knew myself then things would have played out differently...in so many ways.
When putting those thoughts down and putting everything that I have learned over the last several months together, I realize that I have been blaming the wrong person this whole time. I've been angry at Rob for bringing his debt into our lives. I've been angry at Rob for making me move here. I have been angry with Rob for my misdirection/no direction and for him doing so well. Talk about walking with blinders on!
Yes, Rob did bring a lot of debt into our marriage. I blindly accepted it without really considering what it would mean to me. That was my fault. That was not Rob's doing. While it still makes me angry on a bad day, I have accepted that it is there and we, as a couple, are working to pay it off. Yes, without his ex-wife's help or even acknowledgement...but that also is not his fault, well, not completely anyway. :o)
Yes, it was Rob's job that had us move here. However, I was the one who told him to look for a new job and I agreed to move here. He did not drag me. Of course, if I knew then what I know now...he would have. I don't like it here, but until either one of us finds something better somewhere else or we are out of debt...we're here. Regardless, it's at least another 2 years. When the next move comes, we will look for a place that will be a mutual destination enjoyed by both parties.
My misdirections and lack of a direction has nothing to do with Rob! Period! I had been just walking through life for so long now that I don't even know myself. I don't know what makes me happy, what makes me feel bad...I don't really know why I do half the things that I do. That is why I couldn't pick a direction for my life...it has nothing to do with Rob. It's hard and frustrating and depressing to feel so lost. When you look around and see everyone enjoying their lives and continuously doing one thing after another...it makes you wonder what's wrong with you. Talk about a total self-esteem killer. Of course, realizing that you just don't know yourself well enough to take the steps you need to to achieve that helps a lot.
The last several months have really been an eye opener for me. I have found, on the blogs that I follow, lessons that have truly changed the way that I view myself and life. You would not believe the time that I have started spending on getting to know myself. Being honest with myself about what I enjoy and what I don't enjoy has been a struggle. Just being honest with myself is hard!
I know that this year holds wonderful new things for me. It's only January and I have already changed so much. I am eager to continue this journey and I think that I've made my first stop at SELF discovery.
I am the only one who can change me.
I've found that I would often sit around and say to myself, "oh, I wish I was like her." "I really want to be [this way]." "I don't like [blank] about myself." But I would never do anything to really address those thoughts. I wouldn't even really ask myself why I was doing [blank].
I am solely responsible for life's outcome.
I cannot blame Rob anymore. I am where I am because I chose to be there. It's not fair to him or our relationship for me to constantly point fingers. While he might have been the one to start the car, I agreed to go along for the ride. I have to start paying attention to my body's signs and my emotions so that I can better understand myself, so when something comes up I can make a decision based on how it is going to effect me. I have to accept that if I get into a car with someone, it's because I made the decision to do so. It seems like the smartest thing for me to do before getting into the car is thinking about who I am and how it could effect me.
Get to know Jonique
To make decisions at a fork in the road, you have to know where you want to go. To do that, you have to ask yourself. To have an answer, if have to know what you want and to do that...you have to know yourself. I don't want to someone else to know "me" better than I do. Of course, there will always be things that others see that you can't. But that is mostly because you choose not to. The more I know about me, the more I will be able to make educated choices in my daily life. Not to mention, be able to get to know other people. Knowing me and what I like will put me into a position to meet others who enjoy similar things.
Stay Connected and Get Involved
I have to stay connected with my people. I have to make the time to call and write and even text. While I still don't have any close friends here, I still have my close friends back in Oklahoma. There is no reason that I still can't nourish our friendships from here. It could still provide many benefits. I also have a great sorority that is always looking for volunteers. Doing things that put me out of myself and provide me the opportunity to be around others (and make friends) is a great way to learn about myself. Being involved with the sorority and church could only bring new things to my life.
This blog took a different turn then I had expected when I first thought to address my feelings and thoughts from yesterday. I can't believe how blind I have been and how that has caused such awful feelings to grow within me. I feel horrified to see what I have become. Oh how Rob must love me to put up with my crap. But I see it now. I have identified it and have acknowledged that it is me. My eyes are wide open and I am not liking what I see, but that means I can change it. I have actively make the decision to do differently when those thoughts strike again. I can take responsibility for my role in every choice I make.
I see it clearer now and oh how the opportunities are unrolling. I think I will be in SELF town for a bit before moving on. Where? I don't know yet, but half the fun is getting there.